Just a Simple Girl with a Dream

Michael Mancini Alert!

September 9, 2009 by iridescentglitter

If I had a nickle for every time me, my father or JMTIV has said “why isn’t Thomas Calabro on TV more?” I would be able to pay for that medical student girl’s tuition. (Yeah, I don’t know these kids names and I won’t bother to learn them until mid-season because I learned my lesson from Amy Locane and Vanessa Williams.) Seriously how hot was Michael in that car? A little Back to the Future for my taste, but that was vintage Mancini. I only wish Dr. Peter Burns was riding shotgun! Oh, if this show sticks around I hope that somehow Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner will agree to a brief five minute cameo where they sip champagne, tear everyone to shreads and then ride off into the sunset forever.

I’ll be perfectly honest with you: I had very low expectations for this premiere and I was pleasantly surprised. It didn’t totally suck and it was way better than 90210. However, as always, some lingering questions:

Why am I not totally annoyed by Ashlee Simpson? Is it because it’s only physically possible for me to be totally annoyed by one Simpson sibling? Because compared to Jessica, I find Ashlee positively charming.
Why is Sydney’s apartment (Amanda’s old apartment) suddenly a “penthouse”? Actually, I can see Sydney declaring that and making everyone refer to it by that name, but still.
Do you think David Charvet is sitting at home with Brooke Burke wondering why Sydney faked her death on thier wedding day?
Where did this random son of Michael’s come from?
What ever happened to Jane and her dee-zines?
Engaged couple is the new Billy and Allison. I can’t wait for the cheating and freezer vodka-binges to start.
What’s up with the guy who played Erica Kane’s “not really aborted fetus” on All My Children?
Why was Sydney apparently the mayor of Cougartown?
Why isn’t anyone hanging out at Shooters?

Posted in New Melrose Place | 3 Comments »

Beverly Hills Beach Club Blanket Bingo

September 9, 2009 by iridescentglitter

Aaannd I’m back! Just call me Lost because I took an extended vacation. And just like the not-quite-teenagers of 90210, I’m back in session…or something. So my good friend JMTIV and I swore that we were only going to watch 90210 for one year and yet, here it is Season 2 and we’re both in again. I think we both secretly want to know who Annie killed but I’m also holding out hope for the inevitable Brian Austin Green cameo. Come on, you know it’s coming. Who doesn’t want to hear “just back from Japan” David Silver slamming down some phat beats at the Pigskin Prom? Or better yet, when is Jason Priestley going to pull the trigger and just show up? I randomly saw him on an episode of “Who wants to be a Design Star” or some HGTV show this weekend and questionable facial hair notwithstanding, he still looks TV-ready. Surely, he can come on and teach Annie some life lessons. Or the poor dayplayer how to properly run the Beverly Hills Beach Club.

All in all, I thought this episode wasn’t terrible, which for this show, is like high praise. I actually like that the characters seemed to be friends, even if Naomi, Silver and Adriana are the oddest Heathers clones ever. Seriuosly, I can see Naomi being popular. I could even see Adriana pre-pregnancy. But Silver–what the hell? It’s not a total Zuckerman-from left field thing, but I feel like she should still be making fun of everyone on her blog.

I’m also glad to see that Total Bastard Ken Doll (ex-Jeremy Horton from Days of Our Lives) got a new job! Granted I hated him on DOOL but now I’m rooting for him on primetime. Maybe it’s because I’m suffering from total exhaustion, but I actually thought he was decent too. I’m also interested in what kind of Hollywood star his dad is supposed to be. Is he more like Tom Cruise or Tom Hanks? Or maybe he’s Mel Gibson levels of crazy. I just hope the producers get Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna to play his parents so they can do a spin on their Veronica Mars roles. Plus that will keep Lisa Rinna away from Melrose Place. (Side note: I love Lisa Rinna, but I feel like her joining MP ushered in a wave of suck that even Jamie Lunar couldn’t ride out.)

Is anyone else concerned that the writers have gone so anti-Annie so quickly? The tide didn’t turn against Brenda until Season 3. Could she be shipped off to London before Senior Year? And my biggest complaint, if you’re depressed and lashing out at everyone because you caused a hit and run, do you really get dressed up and style your hair a la Jen Aniston at the Oscars? Really, Annie? This is why I hate you.

Posted in New 90210 | 1 Comment »

After the Final Reid

July 28, 2009 by iridescentglitter

How sad is it that for most of Jillian’s season she’s been overshadowed by her suitors? First Crazy Rage David and Slick Juan, then Wes and his flannels and Jake and his man tears, and now Reid with his tennis shoes and mall jewelry store engagement ring. Oh Reid! What the hell was that last night? And was Kiptyn even a part of After the Final Rose this evening? Does anyone even care? Hell, Ed was barely on AtFR; it was all about Reid and his quest for love validation/shot at being the next Bachelor.

Speaking of the next Bachelor, Kip would be an interesting choice, but I find him somewhat boring; abs notwithstanding. Jake as the Bachelor would be an interesting choice if this show ran on ABC Family Channel, but then again he’s the human embodiment of Ned Flanders. Hi diddily ho, bachelorettes! I really think it looks like Reid is a “slam dunk” (you know, just like his shot at wooing Jillian the second time around) but how neurotic and out of control would that season be? I see some Womack/Mesnick hybrid where he totally skips out on the Final Rose Ceremony and then shows up to the After the Final Rose with his fourth grade girlfriend.

With all that said, I still like Reid the best. Proposal grooming aside (seriously, he looked like he was styled by Bradley Cooper’s character in The Hangover) I enjoyed his hijacking of the Final Rose Ceremony. The whole thing is set up so sacred with Jillian on some drawbridge and here comes a disheveled Reid to save the day. It wasn’t quite on the level of Bo Brady kidnapping Hope from her wedding to Larry Welch on a motorcycle with “Holding out for a Hero” blaring, but it was…something. What can I say? I’m a sucker for the grand, romantic gesture, even if it involves a wrinkled button down shirt.

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Jason Morgan, Bail Bondsman

July 27, 2009 by iridescentglitter

Only in Port Charles can a brain damaged hitman negotiate with the police commissioner over the release of his equally brain damaged nephew from lockup. Of course, you have to add in the Good Doctor, Robin Scorpio for good measure. Oddly enough, I semi-like Robin now. I think it’s because she’s mellowed out and she’s clearly on Team Dr. Matt Hunter’s Innocence. Speaking of Dr. Matt Hunter (on Twitter!), is anyone else scared that one of the would-be Sopranos was going to put a hit on him? Dr. Matt Hunter can’t die before he steals Maxie away from Spinelli!

I am also completely over the children. Maybe I would care about Kristina’s abusive boyfriend issues and horrible driving, if we hadn’t met her a month ago. This is not the same little Kristina who loved Ariel the Little Mermaid and whom Sam took to Disney World. I miss Little Morgan who was too distracted by the gaffers to remember his lines. I miss Little Molly who didn’t say anything but just smiled and was the only one on the canvas who tolerated Ric.

Lastly, what’s up with Sam’s horrendous tube top and vest ensemble? Will no one think of the children?

Posted in General Hospital | 1 Comment »

Crashtina Davis Corinthos

July 20, 2009 by iridescentglitter

Ladies and Gentlemen, if a car crashes in the woods and Jason isn’t around to save anyone…did it really happen?

My God, how long (and filled with gratuitously-bad CGI) was that car sequence? And why does Port Charles, NY look suspiciously look like Laurel Canyon? There are so many things that I don’t understand about GH right now that I feel the need to bust out the “bullet points of questions that will never be answered to my satisfaction”:

Do you think that at any point during this summer that Kirsten Storms and Jason Cook have looked at the actors that play Michael and Kristina and realized that they totally ruined Days of Our Lives during my summers off from college? Although in their defense, Shawn and Belle, even in their most self-righteous, disco dancing, purity ring wearing, Puerto Rican-island hopping ways, they were never as cloying as Sonny Spawn.
Why is Spinelli proposing to Maxie? And why was Jason there to help decorate instead of setting up a command center somewhere by the side of the road so he could be there in the event of a fiery crash?
Why is Kristina dating Snidely Whiplash?
How many sets had to die to make the new Jax living room?
Why did I have a dream about Claudia having an amniocentesis (this actually happened on Friday night. I’m not proud, people)?
In what world are Max and Milo menacing?* (*Note, when I say “what world” I mean a setting that is not a buffet.)
Why did I squeal like a little girl when I saw Reid’s face at the end of The Bachelorette previews this evening?
Why is Carly searching for medallions on the side of the road, late at night while in the midst of a high risk pregnancy? What’s next? Rock climbing? She’s like Lisa Pongrasic: Very Pregnant Undercover Cop.
Does anyone else wonder what the deductible must be on a Mafioso’s health care insurance?

Posted in Bad Idea Jeans, General Hospital | Leave a Comment »

Chloe’s down!

July 15, 2009 by iridescentglitter

Isn’t it about time that the kindly 7 Dwarfs (or really, just Lucas) put Chloe in a glass coffin and just be done with her? She is so totally throwing down that slutty, Snow White vibe and Kate is totally the Wicked Queen…costumed by Prince. I’m so over the Chloe/Daniel non-romance. Daniel only likes her because she owns every dress from the Victoria’s Secret Miracle Bra Top collection and spends most of her time in the hospital. He may dream of a normal life, but he’ll leave her for the next, doe-eyed comatose girl that rolls into the E.R., mark my words.

In other news, sometimes I like to imagine how pissed off Dee Hall is when she tunes into see “The Mia Chronicles”. Seriously, do teenagers even enjoy this? Or are they too into the lameass Stephanie Johnson saga? Now I admit to liking her and Phillip–mostly because I enjoy Phillip–but how boring is she? And why was she wearing a wifebeater and jeans to a job interview–a job interview that actually led to a successful job offer? I bet she doesn’t even have a Linkedin profile.

And why are they filming Kate’s ridiculous cooking show in Maggie Horton’s kitchen?

Posted in Days of Our Lives | 1 Comment »

Aloha Reid

July 14, 2009 by iridescentglitter

First of all, I acknowledge that I’ve been a bad blogger. I know it’s taken me awhile to write, but honestly, after the trainwreck that was last night’s Bachelorette, it’s lucky that I haven’t gauged my eyes like Oedipus Rex. Let me set the scene for you: Jillian, wearing a short, very sheer tunic rubbing hot oil on Magnum P.I.Ed. I’m sorry, but how graphic was that? It’s not like I’m ultra-conservative or anything, but who does that? Let’s be honest, I was also somewhat horrified by Jillian’s bubble bath with Reid? Do neither of them have parents? Or would like to be employed again one day? Methinks that after footage of oil massages and “sunburn-induced stupors” Ed won’t be making any more emergency work calls.

The Fantasy Date episode is always tricky; more often than not there’s the strong implication that sex is happening which is especially disconcerting down the road when you’re watching this episode with your soon to be ex-fiancee. But it doesn’t stop there, there’s also random high ropes courses and the parental pop-in. Seriously, how annoying was Jillian when Ed told her that his parents were in Maui? What is up with people on this show and their obsession to meet each other’s families? Are people in real life like this? Most of my friends would rather walk in Hell than spend time with their in laws, but Jillian acts like she just won a date with Tom Brady.

So Jillian is just like ecstatic to meet Ed’s parents, while Ed’s parents don’t know what to make of the situation; which automatically just made them my favorite people on this show this season. Do you know what I hated the most? How Jillian and Ed kept mentioning that Ed “flew his parents out there”. Because he didn’t. I’m pretty sure that ABC did. Just like Jillian doesn’t set up exotic canoe datings to Costco.

Before I wrap this up, I’ve been doing a little research on The Bachelor franchise, and all the casts have become so intermingled it’s practically The Real World/Road Ruleschallenge now. I’ve read Jason’s Twitter page, and he talks about how he is BFF with DeAnna, you know the woman who turned down his proposal. I listened to an interview with DeAnna and she says the same thing. Apparently Jillian and Jason are friends as well. Are they just towing the company line? Because I don’t want to talk to a guy I went out on three dates with, let alone someone that picked Molly over me.

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Bachelorettes and Birds without Legs

July 7, 2009 by iridescentglitter

Espana!

It it were possible to ruin the romantic idea of Spain leave it to Jillian and her band of merry fools. It’s no secret that I’ve always wanted to go there but it my choices were with a guy whose mother clearly hated me; another guy whose various neuroses made Woody Allen look calm in comparison; Nick Burns, your company’s Computer Guy; and John Mayer in cowboy bats, I’d place myself on the No Fly List.

First of all, I’m not sure why we really needed two episodes of Fantasy Dates, especially since Ed was the only one who managed to weasel himself an invite. If I wanted to watch a somewhat tragic girl turn down potential sexual sure things, I’d board a time machine, travel back to my college days and watch me flounder into relationship mediocrity, but I digress. I was also struck by how boring the dates were. Jillian and Kip play dress up and learn the flamenco. Just like The Amazing Race except 1oo% lamer. Jillian and Reid make sandwiches. Honestly, why does everything with her seem like an ordeal? “Hurry, let’s race kayaks to get to the farmer’s market!” or “Let’s try to order lunch meat in a foreign language!” Of course, nothing can top Jillian and Ed’s carriage ride of missed eye contact and abandonment followed by a romp in the fountain. Seriously, I thought people stopped randomly jumping in fountains shortly after college graduation, but what do I know? After all that, a bike ride with Wes may seem like child’s play or at least an awkward interlude involving one-legged birds and spilt beer. Are any of those things at all fantasy-related? I mean, I honestly can’t tell you how many fantasies I’ve had about eating cold cuts with my beloved after a bike ride.

Of course, the climax of this episode was the absense of Chris Harrisonthe shocking non-revelation that Wes probably has a girlfriend and is very much not into Jillian, yet still wants to hit up the Fantasy Suite. I’m more shocked at the idea that he and his manager thought that acting the fool on national television would sell records. Are they using Johnny Fairplay’s remarkable reality television show career as a template? Alas, even more distressing was Jillian’s unfortunate decision to wear a swan as dress to the Rose Ceremony. I’m afraid that we’re this close to animal pelts or togas.

Posted in Bad Idea Jeans, The Bachelor | Leave a Comment »

Lansing out!

June 28, 2009 by iridescentglitter

Seriously, what the hell was that? I had read that Ric Lansing’s exit would be anti-climactic, but that was just 10,000 kinds of wrong. Did he even say goodbye to Molly? Wait, did they even bother to recast Molly? Why do I even care? This is just the Jason show, complete with the Scrappy to his Scooby, Michael.

I actually kind of like Michael, though, and I dig that he looks like Jason. I’m not really enjoying Kristina, though and I don’t like that she and Michael are being used as the impetus for a Jason/Sam reunion. Because even though I at one time enjoyed Jason and Sam together, I don’t really care to seem them reunite, especially not because of Sonny’s wayward children. Of course, Jason has to have his hand in everything. I’m honestly quite surprised that Jason hasn’t volunteered to defend Dr. Matt Hunter (now on Twitter!) in his malpractice case. Or heal the rift between the Brothers Spencer. Or intervene in the Crimson shenanigans.

Moving on, I enjoy how dark Dr. Matt Hunter’s gotten. I find this somewhat odd since I didn’t always care for him on Days. Then again, I have a newfound appreciation for his work as Shawn Brady due to the horrible recast foisted upon us after his departure. Shudder. I also like the beard, a look I feel he should have adopted earlier in his career to cement his on-air link to Peter Reckell. Oh well.

Posted in General Hospital | 1 Comment »

Throw Robbie from the Train

June 24, 2009 by iridescentglitter

So I’m late in my Bachelorette post, but in my defense, it was a crazy week. First of all, I moved from Alaska to LA, changed my name to Ricky Hollywoodand started to iron all of my Ed Hardy T-shirts. Then I had to go back to the East Coast for a sit down with a bunch of Karen Hill clones, got annoyed and flipped a table. I’d had it, so I told my office that I was hiking on the Appalachian Trail but I was actually in Argentina. When I got back I learned that TLC was putting my reality show on hiatus until August.

But enough about me. Let’s talk about The Bachelorette. I find it funny that a show most commonly described as a trainwreck would actually tempt fate and film an entire episode on a train. Seriously what is up with all the traveling? I feel like this season has been subsidized by the Canadian Tourism Authority. Honestly, perhaps it has. Times are tough. It’s not like we’re pulling in Chrysler ad revenue or anything.

Here’s something that I don’t like about The Bachelorette: the humiliating way in which they dump the guys. First Sasha with the city bus and Robbie, cast from the train like a wino. At least when Jason cut Natalie loose they gave her a limo. Although, in retrospect, it would have been awesome if she had been forced to give up her jewels and board a Sedgeway.

Apparently Robbie’s lack of career enthusiasm finally got to Jillian. And his age. Yet Michael, who I think is actually 20 years old, is still there. I’m sure Michael is a very nice young man, but he makes me tired just looking at him. If I were ever to be around him I would feel the need to shotgun Red Bulls. Then there’s Wes. Oh Wes. As much as I enjoyed that bizarre interlude where he expounded on his plan to extract as much fame as possible from this mess, it was too scripted and almost Bond villain-esque. You know, how the villain finally catches James Bond and then spends an inordinate amount of time telling him how he’s going to kill him allowing 007 to think up a way to escape? Well, Wes may be a Bond villain but Jillian’s stuck in Austin Powers mode. She just doesn’t get it. Now, some would say that the producers are making her keep him. Fair enough, but she seems more into him than Young Michael, so there.

The highlight of the week was learning that Reid is a neurotic. I love it! Why wouldn’t I! As much as I like fondue (now) it freaked me out at the beginning. I actually sat there and timed how long I put my food in. I was terrified I was going to go into shock at The Melting Pot. And you have to stick it out at The Melting Pot…if only for the chocolate fondue.

I know a lot of people were upset that Jake was cut. I like Jake but there was something too earnest about him. Also, he spoke like he was one of the characters on the now defunct soap opera, Passions. I, on the other hand, was much more concerned about my new favorite bachelor, Tanner. Oh Tanner! How I will miss you! What a loon! It’s such a shame that we won’t be treated to a home town date. I imagine that in his home, you’re forced to sit down in those massage chairs with the pedicure bowls like in nail salons. I’ll admit that the pants dropping was bizarre, but think of how many careers have been built upon that premise (Mark Wahlberg). Feel the vibrations!

Posted in Current Events, The Bachelor | Leave a Comment »

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