Just a Simple Girl with a Dream

Bachelorettes and Birds without Legs

July 7, 2009 by iridescentglitter

Espana!

It it were possible to ruin the romantic idea of Spain leave it to Jillian and her band of merry fools. It’s no secret that I’ve always wanted to go there but it my choices were with a guy whose mother clearly hated me; another guy whose various neuroses made Woody Allen look calm in comparison; Nick Burns, your company’s Computer Guy; and John Mayer in cowboy bats, I’d place myself on the No Fly List.

First of all, I’m not sure why we really needed two episodes of Fantasy Dates, especially since Ed was the only one who managed to weasel himself an invite. If I wanted to watch a somewhat tragic girl turn down potential sexual sure things, I’d board a time machine, travel back to my college days and watch me flounder into relationship mediocrity, but I digress. I was also struck by how boring the dates were. Jillian and Kip play dress up and learn the flamenco. Just like The Amazing Race except 1oo% lamer. Jillian and Reid make sandwiches. Honestly, why does everything with her seem like an ordeal? “Hurry, let’s race kayaks to get to the farmer’s market!” or “Let’s try to order lunch meat in a foreign language!” Of course, nothing can top Jillian and Ed’s carriage ride of missed eye contact and abandonment followed by a romp in the fountain. Seriously, I thought people stopped randomly jumping in fountains shortly after college graduation, but what do I know? After all that, a bike ride with Wes may seem like child’s play or at least an awkward interlude involving one-legged birds and spilt beer. Are any of those things at all fantasy-related? I mean, I honestly can’t tell you how many fantasies I’ve had about eating cold cuts with my beloved after a bike ride.

Of course, the climax of this episode was the absense of Chris Harrisonthe shocking non-revelation that Wes probably has a girlfriend and is very much not into Jillian, yet still wants to hit up the Fantasy Suite. I’m more shocked at the idea that he and his manager thought that acting the fool on national television would sell records. Are they using Johnny Fairplay’s remarkable reality television show career as a template? Alas, even more distressing was Jillian’s unfortunate decision to wear a swan as dress to the Rose Ceremony. I’m afraid that we’re this close to animal pelts or togas.

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Lansing out!

June 28, 2009 by iridescentglitter

Seriously, what the hell was that? I had read that Ric Lansing’s exit would be anti-climactic, but that was just 10,000 kinds of wrong. Did he even say goodbye to Molly? Wait, did they even bother to recast Molly? Why do I even care? This is just the Jason show, complete with the Scrappy to his Scooby, Michael.

I actually kind of like Michael, though, and I dig that he looks like Jason. I’m not really enjoying Kristina, though and I don’t like that she and Michael are being used as the impetus for a Jason/Sam reunion. Because even though I at one time enjoyed Jason and Sam together, I don’t really care to seem them reunite, especially not because of Sonny’s wayward children. Of course, Jason has to have his hand in everything. I’m honestly quite surprised that Jason hasn’t volunteered to defend Dr. Matt Hunter (now on Twitter!) in his malpractice case. Or heal the rift between the Brothers Spencer. Or intervene in the Crimson shenanigans.

Moving on, I enjoy how dark Dr. Matt Hunter’s gotten. I find this somewhat odd since I didn’t always care for him on Days. Then again, I have a newfound appreciation for his work as Shawn Brady due to the horrible recast foisted upon us after his departure. Shudder. I also like the beard, a look I feel he should have adopted earlier in his career to cement his on-air link to Peter Reckell. Oh well.

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Throw Robbie from the Train

June 24, 2009 by iridescentglitter

So I’m late in my Bachelorette post, but in my defense, it was a crazy week. First of all, I moved from Alaska to LA, changed my name to Ricky Hollywoodand started to iron all of my Ed Hardy T-shirts. Then I had to go back to the East Coast for a sit down with a bunch of Karen Hill clones, got annoyed and flipped a table. I’d had it, so I told my office that I was hiking on the Appalachian Trail but I was actually in Argentina. When I got back I learned that TLC was putting my reality show on hiatus until August.

But enough about me. Let’s talk about The Bachelorette. I find it funny that a show most commonly described as a trainwreck would actually tempt fate and film an entire episode on a train. Seriously what is up with all the traveling? I feel like this season has been subsidized by the Canadian Tourism Authority. Honestly, perhaps it has. Times are tough. It’s not like we’re pulling in Chrysler ad revenue or anything.

Here’s something that I don’t like about The Bachelorette: the humiliating way in which they dump the guys. First Sasha with the city bus and Robbie, cast from the train like a wino. At least when Jason cut Natalie loose they gave her a limo. Although, in retrospect, it would have been awesome if she had been forced to give up her jewels and board a Sedgeway.

Apparently Robbie’s lack of career enthusiasm finally got to Jillian. And his age. Yet Michael, who I think is actually 20 years old, is still there. I’m sure Michael is a very nice young man, but he makes me tired just looking at him. If I were ever to be around him I would feel the need to shotgun Red Bulls. Then there’s Wes. Oh Wes. As much as I enjoyed that bizarre interlude where he expounded on his plan to extract as much fame as possible from this mess, it was too scripted and almost Bond villain-esque. You know, how the villain finally catches James Bond and then spends an inordinate amount of time telling him how he’s going to kill him allowing 007 to think up a way to escape? Well, Wes may be a Bond villain but Jillian’s stuck in Austin Powers mode. She just doesn’t get it. Now, some would say that the producers are making her keep him. Fair enough, but she seems more into him than Young Michael, so there.

The highlight of the week was learning that Reid is a neurotic. I love it! Why wouldn’t I! As much as I like fondue (now) it freaked me out at the beginning. I actually sat there and timed how long I put my food in. I was terrified I was going to go into shock at The Melting Pot. And you have to stick it out at The Melting Pot…if only for the chocolate fondue.

I know a lot of people were upset that Jake was cut. I like Jake but there was something too earnest about him. Also, he spoke like he was one of the characters on the now defunct soap opera, Passions. I, on the other hand, was much more concerned about my new favorite bachelor, Tanner. Oh Tanner! How I will miss you! What a loon! It’s such a shame that we won’t be treated to a home town date. I imagine that in his home, you’re forced to sit down in those massage chairs with the pedicure bowls like in nail salons. I’ll admit that the pants dropping was bizarre, but think of how many careers have been built upon that premise (Mark Wahlberg). Feel the vibrations!

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Whistle(r) while you (return to) work (Ed)

June 16, 2009 by iridescentglitter

I apologize for that title. I was punning so hard that Michael Patrick King (writing as Carrie Bradshaw) was like “Geez, enough already!”

This week, Ed did himself a favor and left this trainwreck “amazing journey”. I’ve always wondered how people can take off work for weeks on end to be on reality shows when I can barely take time off for a dentist appointment. At least Melissa actually quit her job to go on Dancing with the Stars. Can you imagine that resignation letter? “Dear Employer, after six weeks of looking for love domestically and internationally and being humiliated on national television, I’ve decided to tenure my resignation so that I can fulfill my lifelong dream of dancing in feathered sequins with Tony Dovalani. P.S. Can you please recommend me on Linkedin?”

Here is my opinion on Ed: I enjoy him, he seems lowkey and and I liked that he seemed a little freaked out by the slowest zipline ever. Did I want Jillian to pick him? No. I think Ed deserves better than a closet full of flannel shirts and supermarket trips via kayak. I also fully support his decision to leave the show for work, who in their right mind would jeopardize a job (that pays actual money) in this economy to make snow angels on a glacier? (Answer: the unemployed, aging frat guys who hang out in my complex’s pool.)

In other guy news, none of the bachelors have copped to having girlfriends. But they like riding snow mobiles. Whatever. The whole group date reminded me of the speeder bike sequence on Endor from Return of the Jedi, complete with Jillian as Princess Leia and Tanner as an Ewok. You know, I think Taylor’s growing on me (insert foot fungus joke here). While at first I found him creepy, now I like him because he’s an amusing sidenote. He’s like the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of this show. I know that’s he likely to go home very soon, but I secretly wish we could see a home town date with him. I imagine his mother’s home to be a giant shoe, like in the nursery rhyme.

Is it wrong that I can’t wait a few weeks to find out about the “manly performance problem” on the overnight dates? Seriously, I feel like this show is dragging on forever…get to the good stuff! Also, I feel as if Wes could wear a puffy paint T-shirt that reads “I’m just here to be on TV” on the front and “My album drops June 23″ on the back and Jillian would still give him a rose.

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Finally, a Carly I can get behind

June 14, 2009 by iridescentglitter

Carly’s in the house!

Even though I was very young and very much a Bo and Hope fan, I loved the character of Carly Manning. I thought she and Bo were hot together and I liked how she set up the drama between Bo and Victor. Of course, she brought along Vivian and Ivan so I give her props for that too. Oh God! How my life will be complete if Vivian and Ivan are back in Salem! Now, Viv buried Carly alive but I think we all know that was just the herbs and not our favorite, delightfully cooky, Eurotrash aunt.

I’m a little nervous about Carly coming back though, since she will either:

assume the Billie role of acting as a non-obstacle for Bo and Hope,
be the latest notch in Daniel’s bed post or
come back in a blaze of glory only to be reduced to backburner status months later, much like Kayla

Speaking of which, with Carly in the picture, we’ll have three doctors: Daniel, Lexie and Carly. That’s one too many (or perhaps two, since Daniel is a jack of all specialties). You heard it here first: I predict that Lexie will lose her medical license (again) in six months. It’s time.

Posted in Days of Our Lives | 2 Comments »

Your Days of Our Lives Jeopardy Catergories are:

June 14, 2009 by iridescentglitter

“Whose babies did I switch?”
“Dead wives of philandering doctors”
“Which niece was my favorite girlfriend?”
“How many times can Lucas be cuckold in a decade?”

Seriously, what’s up with all of the “trivia breaks” during Days? It’s very “Saturday Morning Cartoon” for my taste, but whatever. The show is getting interesting so I can deal with a little cheese now and then. Although it is a little disconcerting to segue from planning a baby’s funeral to Stefano, beaming brightly in the Brady Pub regaling the audience with his past exploits.

I don’t want to talk too much about it, because it makes me sad and I always think that children dying on soaps is needless, but I’m very happy that Rafe and Sami did not choose Adam Carrington’s Owen’s father’s funeral home (even though the same sets were used. I can’t help but think that if this show was still being written by James E. Reilly (may he rest in piece) Gordon Thompson would have been right in the middle of the action, carrying on Dynasty-man fight style with EJ and Rafe.

Posted in Days of Our Lives | 1 Comment »

Oh, Canada!

June 9, 2009 by iridescentglitter

As much as it pains me to admit this, The Bachelor/ette is apointment television for me. What’s even sadder is the fact that even though last night’s episode was painfully boring, I was still somewhat into it, which is more than I can say for 3/4 of the guys on this show!

I have this theory that sometimes people in the television industry purposely try to make barely watchable programs. Honestly, that’s how I explain Days of Our Lives from 2004-2006 and General Hospital since Jason became the epicenter of the universe. But last night’s Bachelorette? Dear God, there was at least twenty minutes spent on curling! (That was interesting, because that’s about five minutes more than it gets on NBC’s Olympics coverage.) That date made Deanna’s little “let’s drive a race car around a track and drink beer by a double wide” seem glorious and awesome in comparison. Speaking of Deanna, how awesome was the Rose Ceremony meltdown last night? Of course, nothing can compare to Deanna’s “I’m putting my heart out there” tantrum (in rolled up T-shirt and shorts, no less) but I love the flipouts. Plus Jillian has a Canadian accent which makes the whole thing seem more like a Kids in the Hall sketch.

The whole “which guy has a girlfriend” scandal cracked me up. Do you honestly think that if a guy in a “committed relationship” is that big of a famewhore to date a woman on national television, he’s going to own up to this “betrayal” in Week 4? Oh no, he’s gonna ride out this treachery until the home town date at least.

How crazy was Dave’s behavior on the boat? He reminds me of why I don’t like going to bars anymore. He’s so the guy that walks up to you at 1 am, asks you to shots with him, and then flips out when you tell him that you’re the designated driver. You know, because nothing is cooler than taking shots! Especially when you’re in your late 20’s. And looking to beat up your 35 year old bunkmate.

At this point, I guess I like Reid. I think he’s cute and he reminds me a little bit of Matthew Modine (I think it’s the glasses). I also like Ed which makes me hope that she chooses neither of them and one will come on as the next Bachelor. It’s practically like the Bible now, Brad begat Deanna who sired Jason who in turn begat Jillian…

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Blame it on the Stairs!

June 8, 2009 by iridescentglitter

Yay for new sets! The Stairs strike again! And not once, but twice! Seriously, why is there a fancy catwalk and stairs right in the middle of the hospital lobby? For babies and the woman who carry them to fall down on, I guess. Remarkably enough, Carly and her baby are fine. Why wouldn’t they be? She’s barely even showing so she has like seven and a half more months for her baby to gestate in peril. Claudia’s pregnancy, meanwhile, is in jeopardy. I’m not sure if it’s the spiked boots and leather maternity wear, a (literally) moustache-twirling Rick hovering around, or the fact that her secret about accidentally ordering Michael’s shooting may be revealed, but Claudia actually seems to be having a more high risk pregnancy than Carly. I haven’t read any spoilers on this, but I can see both pregnancies coming to term and then a life threatening hospital stay at GH to follow, very similar to the baby switch drama playing on Daysright now. Although, I want both babies to survive because I really want to see Claudia’s ideas for baby fashion. Do they make cheap, knockoff stilettos for 3-6 month olds?

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How Stefano got his groove back

June 7, 2009 by iridescentglitter

Just like I get excited whenever Victor Kiriakis shows up and yells at people, I was thrilled last week when Stefano came to his senses and totally called out Nicole on the baby swapping business. I’m tired of Stefano and his neverending series of maladies. At this point, I expect to see him Twittering about his hospital stays a la Liz Taylor.

Since I’m actually enjoying Days again, I’m increasingly intrigued by the storylines and how the Dimera/Kiriakis feud is impacting everyone and when I say “everyone” I really mean Dr. Jonas. He’s everywhere, fixing everyone, fantasizing sexing up Chloe, testing Grace for highly contagious and/or genetic diseases and yelling at Will. Clearly this feud has gotten the best of him. I hope he comes out of this unscathed.

Speaking of the Good Doctor, some of the message boards that I visit wondered why Daniel went from a “top specialist in his field” to a general practitioner to “Dr. Jonas, Medicine Man”. Simple. There can only be two doctors on this show at all times anymore and since Lexie is inexplicably the Chief of Staff, Daniel has to treat all the non-Dimera patients. Of course, once upon a time, Kayla was a doctor at University Hospital, too, but she disappeared into that void where she only rates a passing mention when her only daughter is rescued from a pony-tailed psycho. I wish we could get Mike Horton back, if only so he and Daniel could have some sort of Dynasty-esque man fight over who gets to be the biggest himbo/player on staff. You’d think that Daniel would have the advantage since he’s slept with a grandmother and her granddaughter, but Mike can make love on flying beds. Take that, Jonas!

But really this week belonged to Stefano. Now, I’ve never really understood how the man can go from wheezing in an oxygen tent, to paralyzed in a wheel chair to running around a hospital, antagonizing Nicole, but it seems to be working lately. Of course, Stefano has his own experience with baby swapping so perhaps he feels the need to revel in the troubles of an amateur.

I’ve read some spoilers and as good as this show has gotten lately, I’m not looking forward to the coming episodes. But Stefano acting like his old self will make them somewhat worthwhile.

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The Juan and Only

June 3, 2009 by iridescentglitter

So I feel so out of sorts lately. My work has been keeping me very busy and my Internet has been sporadic at best (definitely not “Comcastic!”) and I have no idea what’s going on in the world. I do know, apparently that Spencer and Heidi have quit and rejoined that horrible Celebrity Jungle show a billion times now.

I did finally get around to watching The Bachelorette and let’s be honest: we’re probably watching the most boring Bachelorette of all time with the hottest crop of guys ever assembled on this suckfest. It’s unfair, isn’t it? I mean I’ll throw on an unfortunate denim romper and pumps if it means making out with hot guys like Kipton and Ed. To make matters easier, I’ve narrowed down my top three problems with the show:

Jillian as Bachelorette: She just doesn’t do it for me. I find her boring and surprisingly inarticulate. Remember how all the women on the message boards just loved her during Mesnick’s season? Yeah, didn’t get it then; don’t get it now. Plus she really seems into Wes. Why? He belongs in a Branson, MO dinner theater.
Producer shenanigans: Haven’t we seen these dates before? “Hot” film set? Yeah, it was better the first time I saw it, when it happened on the General Hospital soundstage and Melissa had a meltdown. Serenaded at a private dinner by a music star? Check. Even the new dates suck: ziplining through downtown LA? Seriously, the traffic below them moved quicker. And you know that they made her keep Juan and Dave. Because apparently the producers think that we want to see blood lust instead of true romance. It’s like a bullfight and we’re all Hemingways.
Not evough Chris Pine. (Seriously, he should be everywhere).

So what is up with Dave and Juan? Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t date Juan but I’m not dating “Big Fish” David either. Despite my griping about producer manipulations, I would kind of like to see David and Juan in the Thunderdome, however. Perhaps Chris Harrison could strap on a Tina Turner wig and sing “We Don’t Need Another Hero”. Jillian, meanwhile, will just stand there and say “wicked” repeatedly.

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