I am going to make a very obvious and blunt statement: Everyone on General Hospital is crazy. Laura is catatonic, Tracy is in a mental institution, everyone thinks Liz is suffering from PPD, Kate is crazy in love with Sonny, Spinelli makes less sense than an unmedicated schizophrenic, Logan lusts after Lulu but makes a deal to sleep with Maxie, Maxie’s dating the hottest guy on the show yet accepts said deal, and Sam has become some sort of baby-crazed, delusional alcoholic. Oh and Jason’s still brain damaged. What’s worse is that one half of these people is being treated by Lainey who is neck and neck with Marlena Evans and Laura Horton as the worst shrink ever.
Let’s talk about the last two. I love Sam. I don’t care if its unpopular, but I love her. I love her more now that she’s started to booze it up. As I told my former roommate’s voicemail today, she’s two steps away from swirling Vodka from the freezer a la Alison Parker. Sidenote: I give mad props to Alison because drinking straight vodka is hard and God knows that I’ve tried to do this many times. In fact, I have tried to recreate many “Melrose Moments” over the years including wearing short skirts to work and skipping with my friends in front of the Johnnie Rocket’s on Melrose Avenue.
Anyway, so Sam is daydrinking now. I don’t think there is anything better than daydrinking except for gameday drinking but that’s neither here nor there. Drunk Sam manages to hit all her usual haunts which makes me wonder if she walks or if she’s cabbing it or what. I would like to think that Sam has learned something from this Paris Hilton debacle, especially since Sam has been in jail before. Anyway, the best part of Drunk Sam’s Tour of Port Charles is when she almost confesses Baby Jake’s paternity secret to Lucky. Lucky, of course, Billy Campbells her and calls her a drunk just when Jason is ushered in for what I assume to be the ten hours of the day he gets to sit in the interrogation room. Speaking of Jason, why is he always in there? Can’t his lawyer and Lainey appeal to Mac on behalf of J’s medical issues? I mean if anyone has medical issues, it’s Jason. For the love of Moses, he’s brain damaged. And he voluntarily hangs out with Sonny and Carly. If that doens’t constitute a successful insanity plea, I don’t know what does.
So Sam is all “Jason I’d die for you and you’re all I have and I know I’ll never be enough for you because I can’t have a baby” and Jason just stands there like “I really wish you’d leave so I can sit here and have my ten hours of free time staring at a wallet sized picture of Elizabeth” and then Sam is all “Jason you never smile anymore” and I’m all “Jason hasn’t smiled since the late nineties”.
By the way when you’re reading this, you have to imagine Sam wearing some hideous white wide-legged pant disaster with mulitple white and tie-dye tank tops monstrosity. She looks like some sort of deranged, sexy housepainter. This brings me to my next point: Her infant newphew has been kidnapped but Lulu still manages to put on a stylish summer dress with a kicky updo? Even Liz looks more put together than I think she should, in her cute sweater ensemble. I guess I just don’t get it when soap characters are going through crises but still manage to look amazing. Sami on Days of Our Lives has dodged death like seven times since May Sweeps and she looks amazing in Pucci-esque maternity wear. Meanwhile, Sam McCall is forced to wear illfitting monocromatic short, long pants ensembles with odd cutouts, which perphaps is oddly appropriate since she’s apparently a baby-crazed, delusional alcoholic/con-artist/talk show hostess in love with a brain damaged hitman. You’re my girl, Sam!
“Allllliiison! I luv you!”
“Close your mouth Billy, you’re catching flies.”
Best SNL Melrose skit ever.
[...] not involve hosting a feel good reality show) but I am nowhere near as put together as she is. Don’t worry, I’m not out there wearing some crackerjack ensemble , but it’s not like I’m rocking big earrings or awesome hair either. (For the record, [...]
[...] afraid to shoot a gun. She’s also not afraid to wallow in self-pity and wear more than one ill-advised tank top, but to each their own. Despite that, Sam is the kind of girl that Carly and Lulu want to be. [...]