Just a Simple Girl with a Dream

Since it’s time for the Fall TV Season to begin, everyone keeps asking me what shows I’m most excited for.  Since The Sopranos is off the air and Euntorage won’t come back until the Spring, that means, by default, I’m most excited for CMT’s Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team.  Laugh, if you must, but know that I:

1. will watch any show with the word “Dallas” in the title,
2. am obsessed with professional cheerleading,
3. and love this show because it’s comedy gold.

Last season followed the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders from auditions to their first performance.  Allegedly, the DCC are the most elite and well known squad in all of professional sports, but they seem stuck in the Eighties, if you ask me.  I prefer the Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders but that’s just because I enjoy wearing white and they get more uniform changes.  Plus their boots are more stiletto like as opposed to the obvious cowboy ones that the DCC wear.  (Yes, I have thought way too much about this.)

Anyway, the DCC are led by Kelli Finglass, a former DCC, who runs around wearing those colorful shirt and pants outfits that rich Southern women like so much.  Occassionally, she’ll sport a track suit.  She’s joined by Judy, her choreographer, another DCC, who’s big on kicks, splits, and sharp arm movements.  Then there’s this guy named Jay who takes the girls through some sort of ridiculous boot camp.  Logical, huh?  The idea is that these girls are perfoming so they need to be in excellent shape, but anyone who has ever been to a football game before knows that cheerleaders spend most of the game standing there, shaking pompoms.  Not to belittle them (as it’s my lifelong dream), but let’s call a spade, a spade.  Anyway, this boot camp consists of obstacle courses, rolling around in mud, and swimming laps, which the girls do in custom made DCC bikinis; further proof that this is just a sham for TV.

Before anyone can head off to boot camp, auditions are held.  Like American Idol (a show I don’t watch on principal), the auditions are truly the best part.  First of all, the girls show up in hideous dance outfits that look more like sparkly bikinis and less like leotards.  They learn a few routines, some girls are cut and some advance on to the next round.  Then there’s interviews–similar to Miss America, I guess–and then the remaining girls put together some sort of interpretive dance/solo performance.  These are gold.  First of all, many of these girls have spent a considerable amount of time and money in their quests to become DCCs including private dance lessons.  Hilarity ensues.  My advice to them is just to save their money and buy Carmen Electra’s Strip Aerobics, a five disc collection that I think is invaluable compared to twice weekly lessons at Miss Debbi’s Dance Academy.

Finally, after something like two years, the girls are brought to the Finals.  Lest you get confused, these finalists aren’t DCCs…yet.  It’s somewhat akin to pledging a sorority.  These finalists then get matching DCC crop tops and hot pants and have to show up at “camp” during the summer and learn routines and dance technique.  Sidenote: I feel that I should clarify that although the DCCs are termed “cheerleaders” they are actually “dancers” but the quality of their “dancing” is debatable.  Again, I’m not trying to come down on them, but you will definitely see different levels of dance training and routines between NFL teams and the NBA. 

Back to the snarkiness, at the end of each episode, Kelli does her best Tyra Banks impression as she tells one or sometimes two or three girls that their journey has come to an end and that they will not be recieving a pair of white Capezio cowboy boots.  Much crying ensues.  You know what, I can’t really make fun of them, because I would be really upset if I were rejected on cable televison wearing a pink sports bra and blue short shorts. 

Since this is a reality show, Kelli and Judy make the girls do stupid, scripted activities like trivia competitions (where the girls are quizzed on anything from world leaders to Troy Aikman), attend tea parties (this is the South/Texas), and get America’s Next Top Model-inspired makeovers.   Of course, no reality show would be complete without a trip to a bar with a mechanical bull, so we’ve got that as well.

Last year there was this one girl who kinda/sorta, maybe in the right light, looked like a young Julia Roberts.  Apparenlty Judy and Kelli didn’t like her attitude so they made her write a book report on a biography of Jackie Kennedy Onassis, which she then had to recite to the squad after practice.  God, that’s comedy platnum.  Thankfully, Julia 2.0 was younger and in school, and not one of the older career women vying for a spot on the team.  Could you just imagine that?  “I have a busy day today.  Not only do I have to prepare a legal brief, I also have to attend DCC boot camp and then give an oral presentation on the life of Gandhi.”  Bitch, please.

Then, after what seems like five years, Kelli and Judy give the girls their boots and announce the squad.  More crying ensues.  Really, I would cry too if I spent all summer running around in mud, swimming laps, and doing bs book reports all because I wanted to stand on the sidelines of a football game for four hours.  Then the newly formed squad heads to Southfork Ranch (logically), gets their official picture taken, gets yelled at some more by Kelli and Judy and is finally allowed to “dance” at a game.  The most surprising thing about the whole series was that Tony Romo or T.O. never showed up once (thankfully).

Anyway, watch it.  You’ll love it.

P.S. While my lifelong dream has always been to be a Miami Dolphins Cheerleader, I secretly think that the Charger Girls have the best uniforms.