Just a Simple Girl with a Dream

In Kitty Carter’s Dance Factory where we lay our scene, the DCC hopefuls are rehearsing their “solo talent” for the final audition under the eponymous Kitty’s tutelage.  According to Julia 2.0 (now with blonder, more flat-ironed hair!), Kitty is a “very colorful dance teacher”. Riiiiggghhht.  Well her hair is colorful, I’ll give her that.  It looks as if she’s going for that Bonnie Raitt look.  Kitty also is in the habit of barking out orders and critiquing the girls with ambiguously, euphemistic phrases.  For example, Nina from Atlanta apparently “kicks to the audience” which Kitty construes as “showing her cash and prizes”.  Huh?  I get it, but this is the DCC, not The Price is Right.  Kitty doesn’t “purposely try to hurt feelings” but I think she’s of that Simon Cowell school where she doesn’t suffer fools gladly.  Where was Kitty during the first episode?  I really would have like to see her in your face comments to some of the misfits that tried out as opposed to Kelli and Judy’s judging table snark.

We are also introduced to Christina, who is deaf and has no professional dance training. She performs a lyrical to Coldplay and makes Kitty cry, which is a) heartwarming and b) refreshing that a woman over 40 on television is not so botoxed out that tears can still form.  I like Christina, she’s very pretty and dances beautifully and I think she’s on to something because how many of the applicants perform lyricals to maudlin British bands?  Exactly.  I don’t really think Julia 2.0 is getting up there and dancing to something from OK Computer.  Rumpshaker, yes.  Karma Police, no.

It’s time for Panel Interviews!  So the applicants get all dressed up in their best “interview wear” which ranges from tasteful and conservative pantsuits and dresses, to quasi-transparent white tops. Honestly, not as bad as I had hoped feared.  Kelli heads up the panel, joined by her trusty sidekick, Judy, in addition to Jay Johnson, the boot camp Drill Sergeant; Charlotte Jones Anderson, the Executive VP of the Dallas Cowboys and the President of the DCC and Erica Dunlap, Miss America 2004. Let the questions begin! The girls are given the ubiquitous task of describing themselves in three words.  I, too, had this question when I tried out for my high school’s fashion modeling club.  Knowing that I was not going to get by on my extroverted personality, I tailored my answer to show that I could bring the club something different (also, I could raise the cumulative GPA).  I said that I was a) responsible, b) dependable, and c) reliable.  While those are all similar attributes, I was trying out for the fashion modeling club, not the Thesaurus Society, so no one called my bluff.  How do the DCC candidates describe themselves: “outgoing”, “peppy”, “loyal”, “energetic” “extroverted”, “funny”.   I would pay someone big money to get up there and say “skinny”, “blonde” “big bosomed”.  Priceless.

Charlotte, who is a somewhat more striking version of Kelli, asks one of the girls if she knows who won the Super Bowl last year.  The candidate doesn’t remember.  Instead of embarrassing herself, why didn’t she just say some variation of “Well, if Dallas wasn’t in The Big Game, I wasn’t going to Mc-watch?” Some blonde is asked who the current coach of the Cowboys is.  She can barely stammer out the outgoing Bill Parcells, while Charlotte gives her that hopeful look a second grade teacher gives a student trying to sound out a three syllable word. 

Now it’s time for the funniest part of the episode, and honestly, if you can go back and watch this episode, please do.  It’s worth it.  Miss America asks the girls what they think of Hilary Clinton running for President.  (Pause for a minute and catch your breath in anticipation of the fireworks display of sparkling wit that is to follow).

Ready? Okay! While one candidate gives a somewhat Ginger Spice “rah, rah, girl power” answer, another candidate gives this response “just like the US Navy Seals are strictly men, I just like the President being men, oddly enough”.  Wow, I know exactly where’s she’s coming from with that answer…in the Bizaro World.  Methinks that these ladies should spend less of their time sweating it out at Miss Kitty’s C&C Music Factory and more time with a public speaking coach. But wait, there’s more.  Jay Johnson does not ask the more predictable “Who would you rather work out with? Me or Billy Blanks?” question, instead opting for the ladies’ opinion on Condoleeza Rice potentially running for President.  What follows is such a great response that I feel the need to transcribe the whole thing: “I think that it is great that he’s running.  I wish him all the luck.  I am very happy with our President but I know that he has to give up his title so…” Because you know Inauguration Day is not a day of speeches and parades, it’s a pageant like atmosphere where our outgoing President hands over his tiara and roses to the incoming president while Donald Trump looks on.

Wow.  Just wow.  Somewhere Jessica Simpson and Miss Teen South Carolina are upset that they’ve been usurped by another ill-informed blonde.  Jay goes on to explain that Condoleeza is a woman and then, in an interview outside the room, our most worldly candidate exposits that “They asked what I thought about Condoleeza Jones running for President and she’s not running for President”.  Kelli interviews that if a candidate isn’t up to snuff on any subject then that’s a “dealbreaker”.  Funny, in the last episode, I distinctly remember Kelli telling Judy that one of the girls wasn’t a very good dancer and her kicks weren’t great, but she was pretty, so she would advance to the next round.  That being said, this is my second season watching this show and I still don’t have an idea how these girls are chosen.

Moving on, the Veteran DCCs practice a routine to unveil at the Finals.  All the Veterans will have to try out again to avoid complacency (and to ensure that they still look good wearing their uniforms).  So the girls dance to Glamorous by Fergie, and while it’s a better routine than this, it’s not groundbreaking or particularly exciting.  Then again, I’m not a middle aged season ticket holder, so there you go.

Final Day is here and Kelli explains that out of 85 finalists, only 43 will make it to training camp.  On this day, the girls will perform a solo and then show off the choreography that they’ve learned over the course of auditions.  Now, if you thought the fashions for the first round of auditions was horrible, prepared to be trumped by the Solo outfits. Candace, a girl cut from training camp last year, wears a sparkly sailor costume.  Melissa, a veteran, wears an old jacket and hat of Elton John’s and carries a magnifying glass.  Apparently her routine didn’t go as planned as she “wiggled” and “stood a lot”.  You know who else wiggled and stood a lot?  This girl.  (I can’t let it go!) Back to the fashions.  Sparkly ties, sparkly bras, sparkly shorts, sparkly Cat Woman costumes, and even sparkly jorts. We are then treated to a montage of people completely embarrassing themselves: kicking over chairs, pretending to play football, tripping over steps, etc. Really? How were these girls not weeded out last week? (Ratings.)

After watching all of the girls perform the designated choreography, the judges deliberate.  Similarly to America’s Next Top Model, this process involves the judges pouring over the girls’ photos.  The judges think that Julia 2.0 is beautiful and would be great in the calendars.  Kelli says that she would has to crawl before she can walk and would need to make the team before any photographer’s flash bulbs would go off.   Fair enough, but you know Kelli secretly wants her to make the team because she has a whole stack of books that need reporting.  Judy does not think Natalie is a strong dancer.  Granted this is most likely truthful, but how awkward is all this now that the episodes are airing and the girls are cheering on the sidelines?  Miranda, another girl who has tried out before believes that if “hard work turns into a pair of boots and some pom poms” then she should be getting hers.  You know, just the other day, my boss came into my office, thanked me for all the hard work I’ve put in, and told me that in lieu of a bonus, I was going to get a pair of boots and some pom poms.  (I guess I will get the rest of the uniform the next time I do well.)

After deliberations, names are called.  Girls are selected.  Crying ensues.  Natalie makes it.  Christina makes it.  Candace and Melissa make it.  Miranda does not.  I do feel badly for her, because she apparently spent a lot of time and effort on this dream, but she vows to channel her energy into another goal.  Good for her.  I know how hard it is to work for something for so long and not see anything come out of it.  Hopefully she’ll make good on her next dream.

Next week: That godawful boot camp begins, the girls get their pink and blue practice uniforms, and there is talk of “toning”.