Just a Simple Girl with a Dream

When last we left off, Kitty Carter warned everyone the dangers of showing one’s “cash and prizes”, Condoleeza Jones announced that he (or she) would not be seeking the “title” of President, and Kelli Finglass assembled her training camp squad.

 We begin with an introductory meeting where Kelli walks up to a podium overlooking a college classroom-esque auditorium wearing one of her Sue Ellen Ewing “ladies who lunch” ensembles.  Kelli tells the assembled 43 veterans and rookies how lucky they are to be chosen, but not too lucky, as at least seven of them will be cut before the end of camp.  Really, Debbie Downer? That’s like going through a whole semester of pledging a sorority and then getting kicked out right before becoming a sister.  Actually, this whole episode is filled with both sorority and Debbie Downer imagery, but we’ll get to that in a little bit.

Someone in the organization (I’m guessing one of Kelli’s assistants) has put together binders for each girl.  I’m sure the binders include important information on the ongoing process that is becoming a DCC, but all you can see on TV are photocopied pictures of the veteran cheerleaders.  Kelli instructs each girl to open up their binder and find the cheerleader’s photo with a blue star on it.  This will be their big sister (or ”Veteran Mentor”) for the duration of camp.  Kelli says that the big sister will help her little sis with the uniforms or any other assistance she may need during camp, including where to park her car.  I found this part odd.  Are there special parking spots?  Do the big sisters have to valet their little sisters’ cars?  Is there some sort of parallel parking test?  We’ll never know, because in the following scenes when the girls meet up, not one little sister asks “where do I park my Land Rover?”

One of the rookies, Abigail, is a high school senior.  I thought that you had to technically be a high school graduate in order to be a DCC, so maybe her guidance counselor had to call Kelli and promise that Abigail would be getting the diploma in June.  Who knows? We flash into one of those “at-home with the candidates” segments at what I am guessing is Abigail’s parents house where we see her studying (but the notebook in her lap could honestly be her DCC binder), dancing, and talking about her Senior Prom.  You see, her Senior Prom was the same weekend as auditions, so she went to the dance, and then came home early to study up for the auditions.  We flash back out to the meeting where Abigail’s big sis, Nicole is showing her the locker room.   Kelli explains that when the rookies arrive in the locker room, they see all the veteran lockers with their pictures taped to the inside and the uniform hanging proudly.  The rookie lockers, meanwhile, contain the ubiquitous pink sports bra and blue short shorts, with just their names taped to the outside.  These are intended to look “temporary” so the girls know that they can be cut anytime.  Apparently you have to really work for your locker, although, I find the continued use of the word “locker” interesting, since there are neither doors nor locks on these glorified cubby holes.  Whatever, this is only one of many, many things that I obviously don’t get about this show.

Next up: Jays’ Boot Camp.  First of all, let me say that I hate working out.  I also hate watching other people work out.   I have to force myself to do those Carmen Electra Strip Your Way to Fitness DVDs, but I definitely think that they would be more useful than Jay’s “Power Squad” workout.  Now granted I don’t really pretend to know anything about fitness, but I do think the whole boot camp thing is a little much. Judy interviews that the rookies must find it terrifying to walk into their first workout with Jay.  I would just think its ridiculous and something contrived for a reality show, but my ass probably would have been cut several rounds prior. 

Jay makes a big spectacle by arriving on the scene with four similarly built militaristic gentlemen.  I wouldn’t be surprised if the original audio for this scene didn’t include “Ride of the Valkyries”. Ridiculous.  Jay explains the concept of the Power Squad, which is this elite group of candidates, who can earn 280 points out of a possible 300.  How are these points earned?  Two minutes of push-ups, two minutes of sit-ups and a two mile run.  What? No swimming laps in DCC bikinis today? This whole segment reminds me of why I hated gym class and how happy I was when I learned that I could opt out of it in high school.  At the end of the workout, Jay doles out the “prizes” (no, not the aforementioned “cash and prizes”) to the girls who make Power Squad.  This elite group of girls receive a tank top and a “sense of accomplishment”.  Whatever.  Jay says that these t-shirts are coveted items and to the candidates, “worth a million bucks”.  It’s funny how a tank top that probably took $0.43 to make and without a set of interlocking Chanel C’s, is worth a million dollars, but then again, I don’t have an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. 

This heavily Jay-centric episode continues as the girls arrive at Fitness Essentials for their body fat testing.  There is a part of me that says that since this is a job based largely on looks and stamina that this is necessary, especially since these girls signed up for this.  There is also another part of me that thinks this is wrong on so many levels.  Judge for yourselves: each girl enters some kind of office wearing a bikini.  (I recognize some of these bikinis from past Victoria Secret catalogues.  Apparently, this is an impressive skill, or so I’ve been told.) Jay then instructs the girls to sit in a suspended animation time capsule.  I mean, “bod pod”.  Apparently this is the latest technology where it measures the amount of air that your body displaces in the chamber.  Yeah, I don’t get it either.  Anyway, the bod pod is hooked up to a computer and Jay gives each girl their results.  Here is where the whole thing gets iffy.  Jay says that its important to have a low body fat percentage since weight is not a true indicator.  Fair enough.  He then goes on to say that the average DCC body fat percentage is 13%.  Several girls fall into this range.  The camera focuses on a body percentage chart, so I of course freeze-framed it and took notes.  The chart for women looks like this:

Risky (high body fat) >40%

Excess Fat 31-40%

Moderately Lean 23-30%

Lean 19-22%

Ultra Lean 15-18%

Risky (low body fat) <15%

Keep in mind that Jay said that the average DCC body percentage is 13%, which if I remember what ”<” means, would actually be deemed “Risky (low body fat)”.  One of the girls, is a 16.2% and is “prescribed a meal plan”.  Now, 16.2% is considered ”Ultra Lean”, so I am hoping that there is some kind of asterisk involved in this chart that I don’t know about.   Another candidate, Victoria, is told that she’s the heaviest girl to pass through, which I think is harsh, but unfortunately, won’t be the last time she hears this during the episode.

The editors rightly cut of this depressing display and into a vignette at Loni and Gina’s new apartment.  The girls met during auditions and since they are from out of state, decided to live together.  I really want to know what these girls do for work. I know that there are lots of cheerleaders who hold jobs but what are they? How can people take weeks off work to travel to a different state to audition for a squad and then move there for a training camp, especially since there is no guarantee that you’ll make the final squad?  I obviously think way too much about this.  Anyway, it seems like Loni and Gina share a rental car.  Do they work at the same place? Why do I have so many questions?

Back at camp, the girls stretch for their first dance rehearsal (you know the entire purpose for the show: dancing).  Kelli and Judy sit in director’s chairs looking unimpressed.  It’s not just dancing though, as Kelli singles some of the candidates out to work on public speaking.  She selects one of the girls, Kimber, to give a current event.  Kelli thinks that Kimber is timid and shy and bored.  I can see timid and shy, but I think it’s a large misconception to say that she’s bored.  I am pretty shy, and I am frequently bored, but I may also just think that reciting current events at a dance practice is ridiculous.  Meanwhile, where is Julia 2.0 to give a book report? Who let her off the hook?

Judy choreographs a dance while interviewing that “you can tell in the first rehearsal who is a weak dancer”.  Huh? If that’s the case, what were the first 200-odd rounds of auditions for? I must be forgetting that sometimes looks trump talent.  Just as I type this however, Kelli interviews that cute can get some dancers this far, but that it doesn’t necessarily make the team.  Again, what is the criteria that they are using? 

At the end of rehearsal, Kelli dismisses everyone except for Loni, Abigail, and Victoria and their big sisters.  One by one, each rookie is called in to the office for critique.  Keli sits behind her desk while Judy is perched on a stool.  For some reason, I find this hilarious.  Loni is told that flexibility is her weakness and that she needs to work on her kicks.  Abigail is told that she needs to project more.  Finally, Victoria is once again told of her weight issues.  You get that Victoria, herself, realizes this but I still feel for her.  No one likes to hear this, especially not on television.  She promises to tone up and Kelli and Judy share a look as she walks out the door.  I think this will be an ongoing plot in the show.

Next week: The girls try on bikinis and the first cut is made!