The 82 girls selected from try-outs convene for a series of dance clinics. I think this akin to the multi-week DCC training camp, although the girls here are allowed to wear their own dance clothes and don’t say “Yes Ma’am” as much.
Elle Woods is interviewed about returning to the squad. Apparently she struggled with her weight during her Rookie season and Dorie believes that she is heavier than before. The camera keeps focusing on Elle Woods so you know what that means: foreshadowing. She’ll be out before the end of the episode.
The girls run through a routine for Dorie and Heather. Since it’s still technically Dorie’s show, she dispenses with the criticism and I have to say, it’s really not harsh at all. Very calmly she tells the girls that they need to work on their routine for twenty minutes and come back looking “cute”, which I guess means presentable. What a contrast to Judy’s “why are you clapping?” outburst from Making the Team, Episode 5, but we’ll get to that later.
Okay, I lied. We’ll talk about Making the Team now. You know how formulaic it is, right? Begin with practice, segue into fitness training, then a lighthearted activity, then practice, then cuts. Well, Dorie flips the script and goes straight to the cut within the first five minutes. She’s all business and since they only have three episodes instead of eight, she has to pick up the pace. The announcer intones that “even a Veteran can’t escape the ultimate scrutiny” as Elle Woods is seen walking alone past the practice field. The camera is on the opposite side of the field so it feels like we’re watching some TMZ paparazzi video or something. It’s supposed to symbolize isolation, but instead it’s just creepy.
Elle Woods meets Dorie and Heather in the Dolphins Cafeteria. Now, I know Dorie must have an office, so I don’t know why the use the empty cafeteria to have all these meetings, unless they eat salads or hot dogs between each one. Who knows? Remember last time how Dorie is all about starting off with a positive before she explains why the girl is being cut only to then end with another positive? Well she’s going off book for this one. Elle Woods can barely take a seat before Dorie is all “we’re going to let you go”. She continues that her weight is an issue an that by not maintaining her figure she’s a disappointment to Dorie, the squad, and the Dolphins at large. Dorie is obviously very upset about this but manages to keep an even tone. In what has to be the shortest and most painful cut yet, Dorie then tells Elle Woods which door she can use to leave. Ouch. Elle Woods has to conduct an on-the-fly interview with the camera crew outside as she explains her weight problem going back to last year. You can tell that she’s trying really hard to keep it together. Inside, Heather feels badly for Elle Woods and tells Dorie that she was tearing up as she was being called out. In her own interview, Dorie explains that Elle Woods was a good cheerleader but let herself down. Later, Dorie can’t seem to let this go because she’s going on and on about it to Heather as they walk away from the cafeteria. You get the idea that Dorie didn’t really want to cut her, but her hands were tied. We end this segment with Elle Woods on some sort of walk of shame to the parking lot as she passes the other girls practicing a kickline. Farewll, Elle Woods, may your days always be sunny and pink.
The girls prepare for the final auditions by learning choreography and showmanship skills. As the girls practice, there is another meeting about weight. Apparently this is “The Weight Epsiode”. Everytime I watch one of these shows I think about the urban legend about the sorority with the scale built into their front porch so they can weigh all the pledges during Rush. One of the girls (she isn’t specified) has a big bottom that Dorie and Company aren’t sure will look good in the uniform. There is talk about someone named Anna (she, too, of the big bottom) as a comparative tool, but apparently Anna has skinny legs which helped balance out the posterior. The unnamed girl in question does not, so I guess that means no uniform and no making the team.
This show is all over the place because now we’re talking about hair and the proper way to “work it” during routines. Do you ever notice how a lot of college cheerleaders wear their hair, half up/half down? Well in the NFL, it’s always down and oftentimes very big. I have to give it to these girls (and the products that they use) because I have long hair (and I think it’s good hair) but it’s pretty thick and if I had to stand out in the hot sun for four hours working it, I’d probably look like Slash from Guns N Roses. The girls explain in interviews that Dorie loves swinging hair and isn’t hesitant to make changes if she sees fit. Guess what that means: makeover time! But not quite yet, because then we are treated to a hair montage wherein the girls shake their hair, toss their hair, and discuss their hair colors over the years. Apparently Jeannie changed up her hair color during the audition process but I failed to notice. (I recap a lot of shows!) Dorie and Heather really don’t get it so…here it comes…get excited…makeover time!
Jeannie arrives at the Paul Triana Salon, the official salon of the Miami Dolphins. I know this because not only does Dorie mention this during a voiceover, but there’s also a life size MDC cutout in the window. Heather explains that Paul not only does her hair but all of the girls’ as well. I wonder how much he charges and if there is an MDC discount since it’s the official salon and all. While Jeannie is getting an “official, Dorie and Heather-approved makeover”, Rookie candidate Alex is going to her own hairstylist. I admit that when I first watched this I was a little scared. I mean, going to your own hairdresser and not the Official Salon? It just isn’t done (officially, but I bet it’s done off the record). Both girls get foils and color correction. Dorie is pleased with Paul’s work on Jeannie but closes with “is it where we want to be ultimately? No, but I mean, it looks really great and it is an improvement”. Interesting. Now I really want to how much all the hair treatments cost and how often these girls have to go. I, myself, have highlighted hair and I can only afford to go to the salon every so often. I’d break the bank if I had to get my roots touched up every few weeks. I really hope they get a discount card or something. Maybe they get a little palm tree stamp every time they get a semi-permanent base, you know, similar to the old Subway cards. By the way, Dorie does not comment on Alex’s new darker color. Either she didn’t notice it,it wasn’t included in the special, or she just doesn’t comment on anything unofficial.
Back at the dance clinic, the Rookies and Veterans are having a tough time keeping up with the choreography and Dorie is getting frustrated. Esther continues to brown nose, telling the camera how thankful she is for all the criticism because ultimately she is learning what she needs to work on. Dorie thinks that Esther is looking great in rehearsal but she’s still not sold on her as a cheerleader. I think the robotic interview is leaving a lingering impression. Esther says that she was first singled out by Dorie for not smiling throughout the routine during the first day of auditions, but since then she’s kept a plastered-on smile on her face. She appreciates the criticism and continues to work hard. I totally get what Esther is saying because how else will you get better unless someone tells you what to work on? It’s just the fact that she reminds me of that girl in your class that would suck up to the Mean Girls so she could sit with them at lunch.
So we’ve talked about butts, hair, and now we’re on to smiles. Dorie exposits that a lot of “true” cheerleading teams (read: actual cheering as opposed to dancing) teach the girls to make those silly, over the top faces during competitions. If you’ve ever watched one of those NCA specials on ESPN, you know what I’m talking about. It’s hideous. Anyway, some of the girls are doing that during the routines, so they have to be retrained to just smile. I totally agree with Dorie, because “facials” as they are called, are frightening.
All of a sudden we’re at Veteran Brandi’s (as opposed to Veteran Brandii) elementary school where she is a first grade teacher. The First Grade Chairperson (I have no idea what that means) talks about how Brandi is an excellent teacher and cheerleader. The FGC continues that the kids think that it’s really cool that their teacher is a Dolphins cheerleader. I bet their dads think it’s really cool too. Even if she wasn’t an MDC, Brandi is a beautiful girl, but can you imagine going to Parent’s Night, meeting her, and then learning that she’s on the sidelines at every Home Game? I bet the number of dads requesting Parent/Teacher conferences must spike after that.
As we continue to jump from topic to topic, it’s now time to discuss Dorie’s promotion. Again. Heather tells the camera that she goes back and forth on each girl and she’s unsure of who will end up on the final squad. Suddenly we’re back to the Cafeteria of Doom and Despair as Dorie cuts another girl. (Heather still isn’t ready to cut the girls herself).
More Dorie. But first, a history of Professional Cheerleading. Archival footage is shown: NFL cheerleaders began as virginal girls in long, pleated skirts and sweaters. In the Seventies, the Dolphins introduced the Dolphin Starbrights who wear outfits that look like they were rejected from the Jubilee show at Bally’s. Enter the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders who paved the way for sexy, modern cheerleaders (read: dancers). What does all this have in common: Dorie. Back n the day, Dorie was a five time Cowboys Cheerleader (and three time captain). She had long hair and a mile of teased bangs (I myself once sported a similar look). When Dorie retired from dancing, the Dolphins asked her to come to Miami and revitalize the squad. Thank God, because the Dolphins Cheerleaders were struggling for a while. Once in place, Dorie brought a lot of Dallas with her, sexing up the routines and uniforms. Per our announcer, she also learned how to coach from “the legendary Judy Trammel”. Wow. I hope you know this is the entire reason that I am recapping this series. Just for this segment on Judy. “Legendary”. Interesting word choice. Where is Kelli? How is she not featured in this? Anyway, the camera cuts back and forth between Judy talking to her girls and Dorie talking to hers. I think it’s funny that we see Judy offering more constructive critiscm in this show than we ever do in Making the Team. I guess that’s more the “Kelli Show” though.
Now we’re back in the dance clinic and Dorie is telling the girls that they shouldn’t wear underwear at the final audition at the Aventura Mall. Huh? She then clarifies that they can’t wear “boy’s underwear” but they can wear trunks or bathing suit bottoms. I get it now. My dance teacher had the same conversation with us when I was in elementary school before our recital.
All of a sudden we’re at Dorie’s house. Who edited this? Dorie has two little boys and she is shown playing with them and picking them up from school. Dorie is married to this guy Kenny, who I believe, also hosted the first round of auditions. Dorie is very sweet with the boys and you can tell that although she has to work long hours, she has a somewhat flexible schedule that allows her to pick up the boys. She also drives a Hummer, so I am definitely going to put “Cheerleader Director” at the top of my “Dream Careers” list. Dorie also seems to wear a lot of argyle. I’m not really sure what that’s about.
It’s time for the Final Audition, conveniently held at the Aventura Mall. It’s great because if you make it, you can run out and buy some celebratory shoes. It’s also great because if you don’t make it, you can run out and buy some consolation prize shoes. At first I thought the whole idea of auditioning the mall was weird, but if you’re going to be dancing in front of a football stadium, you can certainly handle a crowd of people walking back and forth between Orange Julius and Foot Locker.
The auditions begin at 10 a.m. and the crowd is a lot smaller than I thought it would be. I guess it gets larger as the day goes on. In addition to the group dance, each girl does a one minute individual routine. Unlike the DCC, this doesn’t appear to be limited to dancing, as a few girls sing and Julie tries out her comedy. Remember how I said that Julie didn’t seem very funny? I stand by that assessment. Her routine is about mullets yet the judges still laugh. Why? Have they never seen Jeff Foxworthy? Because that’s what this is: Jeff Foxworthy in a blonde wig and halter top. Moving on, I would like to point out that some of these individual routine outfits seem a little risque for mid-morning at the Mall. There’s corsets for God’s sake. Imagine taking your young kids to the mall to shop at Gap Kids and then you run into some sort of leather and lace ensemble grinding on a platform stage. Seriously, it’s like Rock of Love up there.
The judges deliberate. Dorie is wearing a green suit and open-toe heels. I love that because I, too, rock the open-toe heels to work. Outside, the candidates are interviewed and each girl hopes to make the squad because they all have so much riding on this. Backstage, the judges reach a decision and they bring the girls back in groups of twenty to deliver the results. Tamara (she of the helicopter flying husband in Tokyo) makes the squad. Alex does not make it. Do you think it was because she didn’t go to the official salon? In the next group, Jeannie makes it. Remember, she got the official makeover. Esther makes it too. Alyssa, Jeannie’s friend is cut. That’s got to be hard. In the last group, Julie’s number is called. I guess they want to make stand up part of their Show Group. Trudie the Booty does not make it. Aww, I liked her. The new team takes the stage in aqua and coral tops and shorts for a group picture.
Next week: the girls learn a routine for Draft Day and the cheerleaders shoot their calendar (yeah this is a show targeted for men).
