Tonight we begin with that little ray of sunshine, Kitty Carter. Kitty, a former DCC and owner of the eponymous Kitty Carter’s Dance Factory, is brought in to teach dance technique. Let’s stop right there. It’s the sixth week of training camp and the girls are just now learning dance technique? I don’t pretend to be a Cheerleading Director, nor do I play one on TV, but how assbackwards is that? Maybe that’s how all the squads do things: pick the girls, put them on meal plans, choose a Show Group, fit them for uniforms, and then teach dance technique.
Kitty is a force of nature. She instructs the girls to complete a simple dance sequence across the floor. Hilarity ensues. For some reason, the cheerleaders are dancing backwards and a Blonde Veteran runs into another Veteran. Kitty’s all “thank goodness you’re beautiful, Blondie, because you don’t know what ‘walk around’ means”. Kitty is one of those individuals who teaches by yelling at and embarrassing you. I don’t care for those kind of teachers. Kitty continues to bark at the girls while Kelli and Judy laugh in their director’s chairs. It’s like some sort of bizarre, sorority hazing ritual. Kelli says that dancing for Kitty is like “being hit by a Mack truck”. So true story: I was once hit by a Mack truck (actually my car, but I was still in it). The only casualties were my car’s tail end and my pride. Still, I would rather deal with the humiliation of standing on the side of the 405 in tears talking to a policeman, driving to work in my banged up car, enduring a rental car for two weeks and the $500 deductible than dance for Kitty. That’s how over the top she is.
Kitty calls out Nina for something (I don’t speak Kitty, so I’m not exactly sure what was going on) and then Nina chimes in about how she needs to learn dance technique. You know what that means: foreshadowing. Kitty then picks on Veteran Melissa for not smiling. (Later it is revealed that Melissa is suffering from mono.) Melissa explains that that even though she is a Veteran, Kitty still intimidates her. I explain that even though Melissa is a Veteran, they are devoting an awful lot of time to her in this episode and you know what that means: more foreshadowing!
So Kitty is trying to do something with the Veterans and she starts calling them out by name and all of a sudden Julia 2.0 is all up in the mix. Kitty’s all “I said ‘Veterans!’ You could have been one, but you weren’t!” Burn! Julia 2.o is all smiles (why? Because she’s thinking about her paycheck from Mona Lisa Smile.) Kitty and Julia 2.0 are cool though because Julia 2.0 has spent the past year (and let’s be honest, a nice chunk of change) at the Dance Factory in preparation for making the team. Julia 2.o performs a solo for the rest of the group but looks ill-prepared and unfocused. I don’t even have to say it: foreshadowing.
Makeover Time! I love it when the cheerleading shows do the makeovers because they go to an overpriced salon and you know the girls most likely pay for it themselves. It’s not America’s Top Model y’all; they just don’t have the budget (odd since I’m sure the Cowboys are a cash cow, but whatevs). The girls arrive at Premier Atelier which I assume is the “Official Salon” of the DCC. Why are they not at Salon Pompeo, you know the pricey salon that was somewhat misguidedly the focal point of that other Dallas-based reality show, Sheer Dallas (narrated by Larry Hagman)? Erica sits in the salon chair while a guy who looks kind of like Michael Hutchence from INXS does her hair. Apparently this guy is the “Artistic Director” for the salon. Readers, this is how you know you are at a pricey salon:
- A guy with long flowing locks (perhaps curly) is styling your hair.
- More than one person works on you. One of these people is a Colorist and the other cuts your hair.
- There is an Artistic Director.
- There is fancy track lighting and state of the art hair dryers.
- Kelli Finglass is sitting next to you.
A montage of the girls getting styled is set to Fergie’s “Glamorous” which leads me to believe that CMT obtained licensing for all of four songs, of which this one is included. We briefly step away from the salon and move into an infomercial for Planet Tan where Kelli voiceovers something about a “golden glow” as one of the candidates stands awkwardly as she is spray tanned. But wait, there’s more! Now we’re at an orthodontist’s office. Back in the day, if you had bad teeth, you were shown the door. Now, with iBraces, you can make the team! (I want to know how that conversation went: “We think you should see the Official Orthodontist.” Me: “Um, with what money?” Is there some sort of DCC discount package?) We end back at the salon. I don’t really think the girls look much different, they all just have bigger hair.
We come back from commercial and it’s officially the Julia 2.0 episode as we see her practicing alone in the dance hall. It’s not even foreshadowing at this point; it’s foreboding. Poor Julia 2.0. It takes her a long time to learn the routine, but once she’s got it, she’s good. Loni, meanwhile, still struggles. More on that later.
The most pointless segment of this episode once again belongs to Jay. You know, for a fitness trainer, he’s not really that tough. In fact, I’m much more frightened of Kitty. Jay is just someone that I would roll my eyes at. Jay likes to “color outside the lines” when it comes to his training so today’s exercise is flipping a tire over and over. Okay, I’m pretty sure this is the kind of thing that my grandmother and her siblings did to amuse themselves during the Depression. The whole thing is so boring and ridiculous I’m not even going to describe it. I will however, talk about the fitness uniforms again. I’m okay with the pink Cowboys shirts. I am not okay with the much sought after Power Squad tanks and camo short shorts. I hate camo so much that I think I would purposely throw any Power Squad competition just so that I wouldn’t have to wear that outfit. (I never said I wasn’t self-destructive and defeatist.) Oh! The winning team won $100 worth of beauty supplies. Huh?
Back at practice, Kelli makes sure all the girls know how crucial this practice is. Cuts will be made tonight. So far, only two girls have been cut, so the girls are on edge. I seem to remember thinking that more girls were cut last year or maybe it just seemed that way. Loni still has problems on the kickline. Julia 2.0 can’t seem to remember the routines and has to look at the other girls to see what’s next. Melissa is struggling because she is still overcoming mono. What’s up with that? How long has she has mono? Why is she allowed to practice? At the end of practice, Kelli singles out Melissa, Loni and Julia 2.0 to stay late. Loni is like Sarah from Road Rules: Campus Crawl on The Gauntlet Challenge. She keeps getting thrown to the wolves yet she emerges each time to see another day.
Melissa is called in first. Kelli says that Melissa’s performance in practice was a “glaring example of someone not doing their homework” yet they acknowledge she was sick with mono. Kelli continues that Melissa is not setting a good example for the Rookies. Um, the girl had (has?) mono and she still looks very sick. If I were Kelli I would be less worried about what the Rookies may or may not think and more concerned with the fact that Melissa looks like she’s about to pass out. So Melissa almost breaks down because she’s worn out (and probably worn down) and upset. Then she apologizes to Kelli! I couldn’t believe it. Apparently, if you are a Veteran DCC, you are not allowed to get sick, ever. How is that possible? Did Melissa just not put on her Plastic Bubble upon leaving Valley Ranch after practice?
Loni is next. You know she’s not getting cut because a) she’s not last and b) she’s still pretty. Kelli tells Loni that her kicks are still really stiff. Loni tells Kelli and Judy that she is willing to work hard and practice in order to make the team. Kelli says that they don’t have a lot of time to work with her but then turns around and gives her more time. I totally don’t understand this at all. Loni seems like a very nice young woman and she is pretty but what’s the deal? What is so special about her that they are willing to give her time to improve while other girls (better dancers!) are cut in front of her? This has to be some sort of pre-planned arc wherein the producers hoped to create suspence and an underdog character in which the viewer could root for. Speaking of people that I root for…
Julia 2.0! She takes a deep breath and walks into the office. Kelli tells Julia 2.0 that they have been observing her and she seems to have trouble learning and memorizing the dances. Do you ever notice how long it takes for Kelli to get out some of her sentences? I think she is very self-conscious about appearing on camera and tries to be less than candid with her comments. Julia 2.0 tries to defend herself and her dancing but it’s a lost cause. Julia 2.0 is distracted in the studio and Judy pipes in that if she’s distracted in the studio, she will more than likely be distracted in Texas Stadium. That could be true. Although, I will admit that I am way more freaked out doing something in front of a smaller group (like a dance class where I know I am being judged) than in a larger venue (a recital where I know that unless I mess up bigtime, no one will be paying that much attention to me other than my parents). Kelli says that Julia 2.0 “has grown” but that she’s still “not ready for The Uniform”. Do you like how I capitalized “The Uniform” as if it is the end all be all of everything? Because it is. Julia 2.0 asks if she is cut. Kelli nods. Julia 2.0 says “I’m sorry that I didn’t give you enough”. On one hand, you could construe this as part of the “Jackie Onassis-graciouness” that she covered last year in her book report. I personally would like to think of it as one of those passive/aggressive comments that I like to throw out when I am deeply hurt. Not missing a beat, Kelli is all “I am too. It takes a lot of courage to re-audition”. Judy plays the part of every guy who has ever broken my heart and tells Julia 2.0 that she is “very beautiful” and that “there are things out there for you”. I know that when someone dumps you or in this case, cuts you from a cheerleading squad, they then try to build you back up so you don’t hate them and they can feel less guilty. Julia 2.0, my girl to the very end, doesn’t take the bait and fights back with “there’s more to life than being beautiful!” Oh, Julia 2.0, I’ll miss you. She gets up, apologizes for not improving and gives Judy a hug. Aww! Judy is the Good Cop in this scenario. Julia 2.0 tells Judy that she doesn’t think that she will ever come back. Good. Move to Tampa and try out for the Bucs. They have cuter uniforms anyways. I think Judy is about to cry too because she tells Julia 2.0 that she should be proud of herself. Kelli just makes a face. Do you know what this is? This is the scene in Pretty Woman where she tries to shop on Rodeo Drive and the salesclerks won’t let her. You know what I hope happens? I hope that she takes up with Tom Brady, the Patriots win the AFC, the Cowboys win the NFC and they face off in the Super Bowl, the Patriots win and then Julia 2.0 walks up to Kelli and tells her that she’s now been made the Director of the Patriots Cheerleaders.
Next time: It’s time for the Group photo shoot. So does that mean that more girls will be cut because they’ve only cut three so far? Oh and there’s skydiving as filler.
