Just a Simple Girl with a Dream

When last we left America’s Sweethearts, Kitty Carter and her multi-colored hair wrecked havoc in the dance studio, Loni was still pretty but still couldn’t kick, Melissa was recovering from mono and reprimanded, the girls visited a high price Dallas salon, and Julia 2.0 was cut and returned to her safehaven in Taos, New Mexico.

Let me just begin by saying that I’ve reached my breaking point with this organization in terms of logic and common sense.  It is now Day 44 and the girls are being photographed for their “cameo” shots.  I immediately thought that we missed Kelli cutting three girls and we jumped straight into the group photo.  No, this is just another one of those mind games wherein the hopefuls get all made up, put on their uniforms, and pose for a few pictures all with the threat of pending elimination looming over them.  Here’s what I wonder: say you get your pictures taken and then you get cut.  What happens to your pictures? Are they destroyed or shipped to third world countries like all those Super Bowl T-shirts that are printed with the loser’s name and logo on them?

Anyway, Kelli, Judy and Michael Hutchence from the Salon help get the girls ready for their photo shoots.  The editing is off in this sequence as Kelli appears to be wearing several different outfits and sporting different hairstyles.  Day 44, I think not!  Unless Kelli is like Britney Spears and constantly changes outfits.  The girls pose in front of an all-white backdrop, sometimes standing, sometimes lounging seductively on a white ottoman.  In my investigative research (Readers, I do this so you don’t have to), I’ve noticed that other teams have their cheerleaders pose in chairs or on love seats as well.  Why? Is it because it’s still kind of naughty but more innocent than posing on a four poster bed? Are guys really into that thing? Like, for instance, if I were to go down to Z Gallerie right now in my knee length boots and the shortest shorts I own, and prop myself on a leather sofa, would guys just totally go wild? (Or would I get my Z Gallerie privileges revoked?)

Loni comments that she feels very “revealed” walking around in the uniform and upon looking at her shorts, thought they were a pair of “underwear”.  Why is this a surprise?  The uniform has barely changed since the 1970′s and it’s still more than what other teams wear (some wear a halter top and shorts, the Charger Girls and Broncos Cheerleaders wear barely-there skirts) or what Edyta wears on Dancing with the Stars every Monday night.  While all this is going on, CMT plays that annoying, “Suddenly I See” song which I’m pretty sure has been featured in at least five episodes.  I get that the girls are pretty and made up for their photo shoot, but why not license “Here Comes the Hotstepper” or something jazzy like that? (Wait, I answered my own question.  “Here Comes the Hotstepper” was featured in Ready to Wear, the Robert Altman film that featured…someone that bares an uncanny resemblance to our own Julia 2.0.)

Uh oh.  Nina is having trouble making a sexy face.  She’s a very cute girl but says that her sexy face makes her look like she’s constipated.  Ouch.  Methinks Kelli won’t like that.  We move over to Meagan Sharpe who is doing really well in her photo shoot, which is a surprise to Kelli, since she thought Meagan was boring.  Ouch. This is a really painful segment.  Meagan interviews that she is 18 years old and recently out of high school.  She could have fooled me; it may be the way they have her made up, but I think she looks older.  In fact, I think a lot of these girls look way older than they normally do.

Moving on, Jay’s Boot Camp exercise this week is way more out there and even more pointless in its relation to dancing than all of the previous ones.  First of all, the girls are in the rehearsal studio but Kelli and Judy are nowhere to be found.  Then Jay’s talking about how he tries to stress the Army’s values to the girls.  Okay, that’s great.  I fully support our military, although I believe that if people wanted to have these values instilled in them, they would join the Army and not a football team’s cheerleading squad.  Then Jay introduces members of the Army’s Golden Knights.  The girls go crazy and erupt into thunderous applause.  Again, I am all about our military, but by the reactions on these girls’ faces, you would think that Jay had just introduced George Clooney, Matt Damon and Brad Pitt.   Veteran Kandi is like “What did Jay come up with now?”  Kandi, I ask myself that same question every week.  The Golden Knights offer the candidates the”unique challenge” of making a tandem skydive with them the next morning.  Some of the girls are way excited.  Veteran Megan says she is nauseous.  Megan, I am right there with you, except that I would have done been out the door by now.  I think that I would rather run along a concrete path at a Hilton with a roller or push a tire across a practice field than skydive.  I would like to point out that apparently others agreed with me, because when Jay explains how the skydive is going to work, a lot of the girls have left. 

It’s now Day 45 and the girls and Kelli (!) arrive for the big skydive.  At first, I thought Kelli was just there to supervise and maybe offer critiques on the landings.  “Abigail, you and your tandem instructor could have landed in jump splits!” or “Natalie, I really think you and your tandem instructor could have showed more power as you were free-falling.” But no, she’s there to jump as well.  Kelli explains she didn’t feel right asking the girls to do something she herself wouldn’t do.  Okay, so I wonder how voluntary this whole thing is.  See, skydiving is such a reality show cliche. Like the mechanical bull from last year.  Next year if this show continues, I half-expect The Miz or Johnny Fairplay to show up.

The girls get fitted for their gear and I notice that they are wearing their Cowboys shirts and short shorts under their flight suits.  Why, God, why?  Are they still wearing their pantyhose? The girls board the plane and some have bouts of nervousness.  I give them credit, because there’s no way in hell I’d do that.  Not even if Christian Bale himself asked me to.  One by one, the girls jump and land.  Kelli and her instructor land awkwardly.  She’s all right.  Where’s Judy?  I wanted to see her rush quickly to Kelli’s side.  Kelli is a little shaken up because she describes the parachute as an umbrella when relating the story to the girls. 

After the excitement, the girls head back to the practice.  It’s Day 46 and the 10th week of Training Camp.  Good night, that’s a long training camp!  The girls have learned 17 routines and there are five weeks before the first game.  This is now or never time for the candidates as three girls still need to be cut.  Judy seems to be running the show today as she is the one throwing out all the critiques.  Loni’s kicks have improved but they’re still not ready.  Apparently Candice looks like “a noodle”.  Ha!  Judy explains that she knows the routines but her body looks “loose and disjointed”.  Remember all the foreshadowing in earlier episodes  about Nina’s lack of technique?  Well here’s the payoff.  We are treated to a montage of Nina mistakes.  This is not good, Nina.  Judy and Kelli think Rookie Meagan is holding back in her routines.  Kelli gives her wrap up speech and then asks Candice, Rookie Meagan and Nina to stay late.  Loni is astounded that her name wasn’t called.  Frankly, so am I. 

The girls wait for Kelli’s assistant to call them in.  How come we don’t know her name? She’s featured in every episode.  She could easily be a breakout star like Robin from The Apprentice. Alas, it’s not to be.  Candice is up first.  Last year, Candice was cut really late into the camp.  Apparently she’s starting to blend and she’s not one of the top 36 dancers in the camp.  Kelli tells her all this so she can address this so they don’t have to cut her at the last minute again.  Judy backs Kelli up and says that they “can’t tell someone how not to be boring”.  Ouch.  Anyway, Candice can stay for now and she’s really happy.  Meagan goes in next.  She needs to work on her showmanship and will be back for next week.  Nina is brought in last.  The last spot is the kiss of death on this show.  Kelli begins by complementing Nina.  I think this is where Dorie Grogan  must have learned her “positive, negative, positive”  elimination speech.  Even though Nina is cute and spunky, she isn’t learning the dances fast enough.  Nina breaks down and repeats that she just had an off day in practice.  Kelli says that this decision isn’t based off just one practice as Nina pleads for Kelli to reconsider.  Kelli stands her ground and Nina manages to compose herself.  Nina walks out and Judy and Kelli reassure themselves that their were right in their decision.  This is like the toughtest elimination yet…until a street urchin right out of a Dickens novel appears in the doorway and asks Kelli if he can have more gruel.  Not tonight, my friend.  

The camera follows Nina as she makes her way out to the parking lot.  In keeping with The Apprentice, this is like when they make the eliminated contestants get in the taxi.  Nina walks down the ramp outside the studio past the other contestants.  One attempts to comfort Nina and she pauses somewhat, but then she keeps on moving.  (To the Mavericks? The Texans?)

Next week: the girls get their boots!  The return of the DCC bikinis! More cuts! Tears!