We start off back at the Aventura Mall as the girls earning spots on the squad are announced to thunderous applause. It looks like the crowd at the mall definitely picked up from earlier in the day. Jeannie is excited but understandably upset that Alyssa didn’t make the squad as well. A few Veterans interview that when a squad is announced they become family and by the end of the year they “consider each other like sisters”. Now, I don’t mean to be cynical, although it is my nature, but how true do you think that really is? I have lots of close female friends but I just think that in a situation like this where you are trying out for a limited number of spots and so much emphasis is placed on weight and looks that there has to be a decent amount of cattiness. Besides, when you have that many people forced to be around each other for an extended amount of time, surely not everyone can be friends, right?
Since auditions are over, Heather officially comes into her own as the Director. The girls attend their first practice in their matching aqua and coral ensembles and boots. I like the little uniforms, their cute. We learn that the girls are practicing for a Draft Day party, which places this episode sometime in April of 2005. How funny is it that the Dolphins Cheerleaders are selected and finalized before the end of April while the DCC drag this process out practically to Labor Day? Maybe it’s because of the DCC’s “almost unobtainable” standards. Whateva. Moving on, the girls are having a hard time learning their routines. Tamara didn’t realize that practices would be similar to the audition clinics in that dance routines are taught and learned very quickly. There isn’t a lot of time to work on or through things. Esther interviews that she’s never danced in high heeled boots before and doing so makes her feel like “an ogre”. I find that funny since I make a point to dance around in my high heeled boots all the time. I’m not even joking. I told you that professional cheerleading is my lifelong dream. I’d have it too if it wasn’t for my lack of flexibility. My kicks are worse than Loni’s. (Way worse.) Tamara agrees that the boots aren’t that comfortable and its hard to dance since they’re two to three inches high. Now, not all of the squads use the same boots. Some squads have boots with a shorter heel. Some squads even wear tennis shoes. I can sympathize with the girls since I know it must be difficult from practicing in character shoes or sneakers to switching to the boots. It has to be murder practicing in them for three hours. Still though, that’s the look.
For the second rehearsal the girls have different uniforms. I love this! This time they wear asymmetrical orange jerseys and blue dance pants. I’m not crazy about the Gator colors (hey, it’s not like they’re wearing jorts), but I enjoy the different looks. Brandii interviews that during the regular season the girls only learn one dance per night. The previous night, the girls learned two or three. This is all so the girls can perform at Draft Day but you can tell how fatigued they all are.
Heather lets everyone know that even though the squad was selected, the spots aren’t set in stone. Girls can still be cut for a variety of issues and they need to stay on top of thier game. Tamara struggles with the routines and Heather calls her out on this. Heather interviews that she isn’t surprised by this as she knew Tamara was “a weak dancer” coming into the squad. Then why did she make it? Someone at an Ivy League school should write a thesis on what it takes to make a professional cheerleading team. I’m sure there’s a complex theorem involved that involves some mixture of “pretty” “good hair” and “high kicks”. Tamara resolves to learn the dance by videotaping her teammate. She says that she has trouble learning the dances in rehearsal and needs the videotape so she can practice on her own time. Isn’t this the problem that Kelli and Judy had with Julia 2.0? That she was easily distracted in the studio? I wonder how Game Day worked out for Tamara. I also wonder if her husband has been in Tokyo this whole time.
Heather wraps up the rehearsal by telling the girls how proud she is of all of them. Huh? She’s proud of her squad? How is this possible? I think I’ve been watching Making the Team for too long. In all seriousness, I would be proud of them for learning all those routines in two practices.
After practice Brandi and Julie drive somewhere. The narrator says that they are driving home. Do they live together or just near each other? Maybe they’re just going shopping or tanning. Who knows? This little vignette was pointless.
Now it’s Draft Day. Seriously, we could have just skipped the Thelma & Louise segment and just gone straight to Shula’s Steakhouse because that’s allegedly where we are, except it looks more like a strip mall. I have no doubt that there actually is a Shula’s in this strip mall, except that we just see building exteriors and one of those bounce houses for the kids. Somewhere inside, Julie is being interviewed again! What is the deal? The cameraman must love her. Why? Is it because of all the mullet jokes? Is it like 1998 again and no one told me?
Back outside, the girls get ready for their performance in front of a Johnny Rockets. Do you ever think about how much face time this chain gets? First of all, the original Johnny Rockets was featured prominently in the opening of Melrose Placeand in establishing shots over the course of its seven year run. The South Beach one was located near that modeling agency in that shortlived MTV series 8th & Ocean. I guess Johnny Rockets has it’s finger on the pulse of pop culture.
The girls take the stage in the center of some courtyard and one bye one, introduce themselves. Jaime, the returning Veteran, lets the crowd know that she is 26 and a certified police officer. The crowd goes wild. Now that’s a cross of two career paths that I never would have thought would meet. This is Miami after all so I’m sure she also lives on a boat, has a pet alligator named Elvis, and drives a confiscated Ferrari. Tamara has the misfortune of following Jaime. She mentions that she’s an occupational therapist but that doesn’t go over as well. You know why: no handcuffs. The girls perform their routines. They look pretty good but I can’t really say more since generic music is dubbed over whatever was originally playing. I can’t believe they couldn’t license at least one song. While the cheerleaders are signing autographs, guys are inside watching the Draft. I spy jerseys and jorts. That’s a hot look.
It’s practice time and the girls have another outfit. This time it’s a coral top with matching coral pants. I love it. I wonder how much the team spends on practice uniforms. With Draft Day over, the girls strive to be selected for the Calendar shoot. Heather tells Brandii she made it and Brandii starts to tear up. Jaime is also selected and we learn that this will be her fifth calendar shoot. Jaime has to be one of–if not the most–popular MDCs since she’s been in the calendar multiple times. Plus she’s a cop! A cop with beautiful hair. Since this is her first season as Director, Heather’s not sure what criteria was used in the past to select the girls, but she’s come up with her own formula. Of course, she has to make sure the girls are in good shape and toned, that their hair looks awesome and that their nails are done. Kristine and LauRen also make the cut. Surprisingly, Brandi is left off the list. How is that possible? She’s so pretty! Also, Esther, Tamara, and Jeannie aren’t invited to the calendar shot either. I still don’t get the whole Brandi thing. Do you think she turned it down or she just wasn’t asked? I was thinking about this, and while it would be an honor to be considered, if I was a working professional and not a college student, I probably wouldn’t do it. It’s one thing to dance at football games, but it’s another for your to be immortalized for an entire month (if not a year, if not an eternity) in a bikini (or in the case of some squads–lingerie) on your co-worker’s desk. Okay, that would probably be an HR violation, but still, you know what I mean. Secondly, how long are these shoots? How do you tell your boss about this?
Heather takes the lucky girls to Absolutely Suitable on South Beach to try on suits. The girls try on suit after suit. Swimsuits are like jeans. They’re very particular and not suited for all body-types. Trying on bikinis all day would be my dream. I think it’s because I like to pretend I’m a Victoria’s Secret model. I’m weird, y’all.
Now we’re in Bimini for the calendar shoot. Readers, this is the sole reason this show was greenlit. The girls check into their hotel. The accommodations aren’t the greatest, but what did we expect? Atlantis? The shoot begins right away. Jaime is up first. She wears one of those one pieces that really isn’t a one piece, but is more like a dance leotard that Edyta would sport on Dancing with the Stars. Those are the kind of bathing suits that are sexy but you just don’t see very often. I think it’s because of the tan lines. I call those “rich lady one pieces” because it’s something that I imagine being worn on South Beach or on a yacht. You don’t really see someone laying out in that at your apartment’s pool.
Lauren poses against a palm tree wearing a sparkly, baby blue one piece. It’s a cute suit but again, seems too fancy for every day use. Stephanie wears a metallic pink bikini with multiple gold necklaces. The sun is really bright and the girls are having a hard time keeping their eyes open. That would be my problem too. Stephanie interviews that her dad said last year that he never thought his daughter would be in a swimsuit calendar. I think that is a common sentiment shared by fathers. Not that being in a swimsuit calendar is horrible, but I don’t think dads enjoy the thought of their daughters being ogled by other men.
Heather proves that not only is she a cheerleading director, she’s also a photo shoot coordinator. She’s very hands on. Jackie interviews that Heather is classy and makes the girls feel confident about themselves. Heather seems very positive in her interactions with the girls and I enjoy that. At the end of the day this should be a fun experience and it seems like Heather gets that. LauRen is photographed on the edge of a boat. I love her bikini, I would totally wear it. It’s baby blue and with a sequined top. I love sequins. I’m like a squirrel.
Poor Kristine poses on the rocks and keeps getting splashed as the waves crash in. She wears a white bikini with pink accents. I love white bikinis. It makes me feel like I’m Ursula Andress in Dr. No.
The shoot continues. How long does this last? I could only imagine justifying this time off. Tiffany wears a bright orange suit, cowboy boots and a sombrero. Apparently the boots are her own. Perhaps like me, she enjoys dancing in boots. Who knows? I’m recapping a bikini shoot for God’s sake. Apparently Tiffany was a dark horse for the shoot. Heather said she wanted Tiffany for the calendar from the jump but other people (these people are not named) were naysayers. Heather and Tiffany prove them wrong as the shots look quite good. Jackie wears an orange and yellow bikini and shoots at sundown. The pictures look amazing as you can see the sun setting in the background.
After the shoot, the girls party at a local bar. It appears that the only girls in the bar are the MDC. Interesting. I know they’re on a smaller island but isn’t there a Senor Frogs or something somewhere? It’s a reality show isn’t it? During their downtime, the girls walk around the island, snorkel, and watch dolphins swim. The girls pal around for the cameras, splashing in the water and throwing the football. Suddenly it’s like the opening of Friends meets the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar video. The narrator explains that 19 girls are on the calendar shoot so seven girls won’t make the cut. Then we are treated to a montage wherein the girls tell the camera which month they’d like to be. I would definitely like to be October or some other month with 31 days. February always gets the short end of the stick.
We wind down back at practice. The girls dance and Heather says that the team finally feels like it’s hers. This is so true because Dorie wasn’t in this episode at all. I kind of missed her. Anyway, we never find out who makes the calendar and I’m not going to order one off of Ebay to find out.
Up next: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers Cheerleaders! (I promise, no pirate jokes.)
