It’s the season finale! I hope we get a cliffhanger ending. Doesn’t it seem like these episodes have flown by? Kelli begins by telling us that we are in Week 12 of training camp. I know that I say this every week, but how ridiculous is that? Training camp lasts three months? Squads for other teams are chosen in the span of one month. Multiply that by three and the DCC are still debating over whether or not to take “Pretty”over “Talented”, but I digress. I guess it’s that oft-mentioned “often imitated but never equaled” mantra.
Since this is a season finale, we see lots of clip montages from previous episodes. This would be more poignant if this show wasn’t rerun ad nauseam. We are reminded of pointless training camp exercises of weeks past, bad dancing, the uniform fittings, and the photo shoot from last week. Oh, sweet memories!
Like Santa at Christmastime, Kelli and Judy pass out the boots to the veterans. Apparently it’s a big deal putting on the boots. I’m not talking about the “thrill” of it, like putting on the uniform for the first time. I mean, the girls can’t get the boots on. What the hell? Are these special boots or something or is this just one more glaring example of cheerleaders that can’t dance in boots? How is that possible? I dance around my office in boots all the time! Why don’t I get the call from Kelli?
In other news, Veteran Brooke has torn her ACL. Brooke was one of the standouts from last season and she was game enough to come back for all the gratuitous Boot Camp sequences, so I have to give her props for that. Apparently she tore her knee while practicing for the kickline. I feel really badly for her. She has to have surgery and could be out for most of the season. That’s got to suck especially since that surgery isn’t cheap and it’s not like the cheerleaders are raking in the big bucks (on the sidelines; I don’t know what they make in “real life”).
Speaking of kicklines, let’s practice them some more. “Simply Irresistible” plays for like the 3,000 time this season. Kelly Jo suffers a kickline setback and is told that she needs to get it together. Loni, who’s never been able to kick, is also called out. Natalie and Candice Carr are also struggling. Natalie flashes back to being cut at the last minute last year. I remember that and thought that it was cruel. I don’t understand how you can justify holding a training camp for the better part of the summer and then cut someone two weeks before game day. Now I wonder if the DCC has always done this or if the whole prolonged training camp is for the reality show. After all, the Making the Squad series only consists of three episodes per team and even the finale is mostly padded with fluff and calendar shoots.
Line of the night goes to Kelli with this gem: “We dread cuts just as much as they (the candidates) do.” Ha! I love it. Kelli’s assistant calls Loni and Kelly Jo in for their weekly post-practice talk. Big surprise, neither girl is acing their kicks. Even bigger surprise (if you haven’t checked the squad photo before today) both girls are safe.
Kimber is up next. Kimber has no clue what they want to speak about but it could be “her posture”. Or her cluelessness. Whatever. Kimber, if you will recall, was one of the ladies that Kelli found “shy and timid”and was subject to the random current event challenge. Kelli gives Kimber a song and dance about how Kimber can take pictures but isn’t ready for personal appearances. There’s a discussion about Kimber getting a call for a personal appearance (more on this in a sec) and then Kimber having her boyfriend respond to the phone call by emailing someone in the DCC back an undisclosed amount of time later. Yeah, she’s responsible. I’m not really sure why Kimber’s life is so busy that she feels the need to utilize her boyfriend as a personal assistant. Kelli agrees and rightly calls her on this in addition to her poor grammar. All this aside, why are girls who are not even on the squad being called for personal appearances? I’m glad this show is over because it makes my head hurt.
Natalie is up next. Since she was cut so late in the game last year she is coming off really needy in the interviews and in Kelli’s office. Kelli tells her that if she steps it up the next day in practice she should be fine.
Jay’s pointless fitness training culminates in the most ridiculous segment of all time: The Bikini Boot Camp Challenge. I wonder if this little idea was thought up by Jay, the CMT producers, or a group of 45 year old men on a dare. I am pleased to say that the DCC string bikinis that I have mocked so mercilessly all season long make an appearance. I must also point out that this is like the one time the entire season that the girls aren’t wearing pantyhose. Also returning: The Hilton Hotel! The girls are divided into two teams: Red and Blue. For the first round, the girls must swim across the pool on a raft, jump out of the pool and then lift weights while balancing on an exercise ball. The blue team lags behind until Christina Murphy comes from behind to catch up and they end up winning. I yawn.
Next round: the girls have to knock each other off of their inner tubes. Natalie ends up being the last red team member sitting until she is cornered by a gaggle of blue inner tubes. I can’t believe I just typed that. Blue wins again.
Since Blue has won both rounds, is it really necessary to play a third? Why yes, because in this competition, the girls participate in The Lumber Jack Attack, wherein they have to knock their opponent off on an inflatable log. Blue is victorious and wins skincare products! Jay tells the girls how proud he is of them and if I were a better person, I would shed a tear. I instead roll my eyes as the girls push him into the pool. Wait, that’s mean. Without Jay on my TV screen, how am I ever going to learn proper fitness techniques like pushing a tire across an indoor practice field or running a mile in pantyhose?
At practice, the girls go on a field trip to the practice field so they can learn how to dance for the big game. The girls are uneasy prancing down the field. While there’s no real comedy gold moments a la “No, Yoshiko, no!”, Judy calls out girls left and right. Much like Nina last week, we’re treated to a montage of Kimber’s mistakes. You know what that means: foreshadowing. It seems as if Kelli is more concerned with Kimber off the field than on as she doesn’t think Kimber is ready for all the personal appearances. Whenever Kelli talks about personal appearances I just think of all the girls wandering around Texas Stadium before kickoff ready to take pictures with fans a la the characters at Disney World. Perhaps Kimber should try out to be Cinderella or Alice at the Magic Kingdom since they aren’t allowed to speak. Kelly Jo is still having trouble with the kickline. Loni, meanwhile, is struggling with the kicks and hitting her “end position” in the jump split. Guess who gets to come to Kelli’s office after practice: Loni, Kimber, and Kelly Jo. Let me point out that Kelli keeps talking about getting the squad down to 36 girls. We’re at 39 right now so if she were to cut all three…
Kimber is up first. Kelli reiterates her comments from the previous night that Kimber isn’t ready for media events and personal appearances. Fair enough. However, don’t you think this is something that Kelli could have shared before the last week of camp? I mean, they had 12 weeks! Surely Kimber could have improved somewhat. Did they even offer her the chance of reading the Jackie O biography? (I understand that in a training camp that spans 12 weeks there is a lot we don’t see, so perhaps this was addressed prior to this week, and if that is so, I call poor storytelling and editing.) Kimber takes her ouster from training camp pretty well, relatively speaking.
And then there were two. Kelly Jo walks into the office and it’s pretty obvious that she’s been crying. Kelli tells KJ that she trusts her with “our Uniform” (this cracks me up for some reason) but her kicks aren’t ready. To drag this out even longer, Kelli and Judy are going to give her a last minute reprieve as they will “reevaluate kicks” one last time. Interesting.
Loni comes in last. Loni gets the same “reevaluate kicks” speech as Kelly Jo. I was excited for a split second because I thought there was going to be a “Kickline Off” wherein Kelly Jo and Loni would compete against each other a la Zoolander as Billy Zane looks on and David Bowie judges. Sadly, that is not the case as all the remaining girls will be kicking (although really, all eyes are on Kelly Jo and Loni).
I still think this is lame. These two have struggled with the kickline for three months but they’re going to give them one last chance tonight? Why? I am sure they are both lovely girls, but what is so special about them? Remember Victoria who was cut first because Kelli and Judy didn’t think she’d be able to lose weight safely? I certainly think she could have lost some weight in three months. Plus Victoria could dance, which is much more than I can say for these two. I hope this series comes out on DVD because I would love to hear the commentary on this nonsensical decision.
Anyway, the girls get into two lines, Rookies in front, Veterans in the back. I don’t ever want to hear “Simply Irresistible” again. The girls then get into their one-line kickline as Kelli instructs them to look down their left, their right, and in front into the mirror. Kelli announces that they are the 2007 Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Squad. Crying ensues. Kelli explains that they couldn’t find a reason to cut down to 36. How about the fact that Loni can’t really kick? The Rookies storm the lockeroom and see that they, too, have permanent lockers (or cubby holders–seriously no locks; no doors!).
It’s time for the squad photo. Judy is not only the choreographer but the artistic director as well because she places the girls for their photo. At the last minute, Brooke arrives to join the squad photo. She had surgery only three days before and looks to be in pain. I’m thinking that if Brooke were healthy, either Loni or Kelly Jo would not have made the cut. But that’s just me.
The night before the first game, the girls perform a special show for their family and friends. Instead of the famous cowgirl uniform, the girls wear a two piece deep blue, velour ensemble. Interesting. From the little clips that we see, I’m not really that impressed. First, the girls aren’t always smiling. Second, the dancing isn’t that fabulous, but that could just be the editing.
Now it’s time for the surprises! Kelli takes the mic wearing something that Jennifer Lopez would most likely wear to camouflage her pregnancy: a long white, baby doll top that hits at her knees. She introduces Robert from Project Runway 3. I love Robert! He still works at Mattel designing for Barbie and unveils Barbie as a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. Designing for Barbie is like my dream job. I used to make my own Barbie clothes when I was little. I had a little pocket sewing machine and everything. The camera focuses on the DCC Barbie and I scratch my head a little bit. I used to be a big Barbie collector but I’ve been out of it for a few years so I had no idea that Barbie looked like…that. Wasn’t there some big push back in the day to make Barbies look more “normal”? Well this Barbie looks like one of the lollipop celebrities you see in US Weekly, with the large head, teeny tiny waste and the skinniest legs ever. My Barbies back in the day probably look obese in comparison. Kelli interviews that the DCC Barbie is “one of three significant dreams” that she’s had for the cheerleaders. I am guessing that this reality show is another, any guesses on the last one? Feature film? World domination? DCCs in Space?
Not to be outdone by Barbie, Kelli retakes center stage and unveils the official squad photo. Last year they did this at the retreat at Southfork Ranch but I guess Training Camp ran too long. The girls rush up to view their pictures. Natalie says that the squad photo is “a part of history”. Yes, right up there with the signing of the Magna Carta, George Washington crossing the Delaware, and the Marines raising the flag at Iwo Jima.
Game Day, finally! The girls arrive to Texas stadium wearing a white fitted jersey, blue short shorts, pantyhose, and their cowboy boots. Wow. I guess they’re always “in character”. Really, a warm-up suit would have made the same impression. Backstage it’s a mess of hot rollers, big hair and makeup bags. I’m surprised that it seems like the girls are doing their own hair and makeup. Where is Michael Hutchence? Why is he not supervising this?
We come full circle as Meredith is interviewed about being only the second DCC legacy in history. To top this off, Kelli has invited Meredith’s mom to speak to the group about her first game 25 years ago. Kelli gets the girls psyched up as they head out to the tunnel in preparation for prancing out onto the field. Suddenly the girls are announced and the routine begins. The dancing looks the best it ever has, which I guess is the point since this is the culmination of a summer’s worth of hard work.
So that’s it. I wish this show would have been a little longer so we could have seen more, I mean, I’m sure a lot more went on than Jay making the girls roll around on a concrete path at a Hilton Hotel. I would also like to see how the girls progress each week as they get more and more gameday performances under their star-studded belts. I wish this was like England where shows had Christmas specials, this show would be perfect for one. It could be called “Holidays with the DCC” and the girls would have to save Christmas from the Washington Redskins or something. Or maybe Santa’s reindeers took a cue from the Writer’s Guild and are on strike so Santa asks the DCC to guide his sleigh with their high kicks. The possibilities are endless.
