When the writers strike, we all suffer because ill-advised series like Crowed: The Mother of all Beauty pageants are greenlit. Veronica Mars was cancelled to make room for this?
A tour bus carrying teams of mothers and daughters arrive at Barbie’s Dream McMansion. Shanna Moakler stands out front wearing a pillowcase with sequins. She proceeds to tell us how she was Miss New York and then won Miss USA. (Actually, she was First Runner Up but the actual winner went on to win Miss Universe so Shanna became Miss USA by default. She parlayed that into an on and off again relationship with Travis Barker and a series of MySpace wars.)
The mother/daughter teams check out the house. Much like Scarlett O’Hara’s Peachtree Mansion, it’s decorated with much money but little taste. The women size each other up. Some of the women have competed in big pageants while others like Nicole won her first pageant (Miss Delaware USA) on her first try. That one ruffles a few feathers. Melinda informs us that she had a kidney transplant two years ago and is living life to the fullest. Pamela and her daughter Felicia are the odd women out: they have no experience, have never been on an airplane before and enjoy eating. I also can’t decide if Pamela’s hairstyle is Afro-puffs or an homage to Micky Mouse. Your call, America. Brenda and Heather, the “two intelligent blondes” (relax, that’s they’re words, not mine) can’t imagine what Pamela and Felicia are doing there. Obviously Brenda and Heather have never seen a reality show before. Pamela and Felicia are the bumpkins and Brenda and Heather are the team you love to hate.
Jenileigh is Miss Wyoming and her mother, Moya, makes all of her costumes. Andrea and Amanda are “competitive” and begin plotting immediately. Really? It’s not Survivor. They remind me of Wendy Pepper on the first season of Project Runway. I bet they get into a catfight with the blondes. Ada and Christian are Team Opposites. They don’t seem like they get along really well so naturally they’re a lock to go far in the show. Patty, of Patty and Laura, has a freezer bag full of hamburger meat which she will heat each night for dinner. Who, besides, Hugh Hefner brings their own dinner places? Patty, apparently. Laura calls out Gina and Hollis for being “not very pretty”. Ha! Patty reminds me of a less attractive Susan Lucci, although Laura channels early Kendal Hart. This show is so bitchy I’ve just given it a season pass.
Linnea, the pageant director, informs the teams of their first challenge: they are to pick a team name, create a themed outfit, and dream up a creative way to introduce themselves to the judging panel. The team with the lowest score will leave the competition. Those masters of wit, Brenda and Heather brainstorm ideas for their team name. They want something “Southerny or blonde”. They settle on Blonde Bombshells. I guess they thought “Team Dorothy Parker” would go over everyone’s heads. We haven’t seen much of Annette and Alana and they come up with the name “Silent but Deadly”. Hmm, not the name I would have chosen. Gina and Hollis help Jenileigh and Moya choose their outfits. Moya keeps talking about how this pageant can change their life. I’m all about people changing their lives, but is reality TV really the best means to an end? Unless your name is Trista Rehn Sutter, I think not. Andrea and Amanda should just call themselves Team Better Than Everyone Else because they run around in the back yard and make fun of the other contestants.
The next morning the contestants are woken up in their bunk beds (oh yes, we have women in their forties sleeping in bunk beds) by Team Erica Kane because Laura has decided to perform her vocal exercise in a black bra and khakis. Who are these people? Laura doesn’t care that the other contestants are trying to sleep because she’s a star, dammit! She’s my new least favorite reality show contestant. I hope she goes far.
It’s time for judging! We meet the other judges Cynthia Garrett and Carson Kressley, who is like my gay television boyfriend. I love him! (Actually Kyan is my gay television boyfriend, Carson is more like my best friend.)
Team Erica Kane is up first. They look horrible in their mismatched red and black sequined ensembles and feather boas. They launch into a hideous rhyming introduction and declare themselves the “team to beat because they’re the Redhead Bombshells!” Answering a question from Carson, Laura explains that she likes to eat because if she doesn’t, she gets “really bitchy”. She’s also “naturally dramatic”. Well, that’s one way to put it. The judges really aren’t impressed and convince Patty and Laura to change their team name to “Sexy and Sincere”. Whateva, I’m still calling them Team Erica Kane.
The Blonde Bombshells are up next. They’re wearing large black hats and long, sequined dresses and Carson calls them out for looking like drag queens at the Gay Pride Parade. Go on, Carson! Gina and Hollis are The Dream Gals. The judges love them. They’re adorable. Team Erica Kane must be in hysterics. The Diamond Dolls (Melinda and Rachelle) wear horrible feathered costumes and talk about how they like diamonds and shopping malls. Why don’t they just call themselves Team Stereotypes? Melinda cries backstage because she doesn’t want the judges to think she and her daughter are superficial. I can sympathize because I like clothes and sparkly things but I’m also not going on a reality show rhyming about trips to the mall either.
Angela and Tenia are Team Skin Deep and perform a little rap. Carson points out that they’re dressed like Diane Keaton and I love him forever because it’s true. Pamela and Felicia are The Tomboy Queens and present themselves with a military theme. Cynthia rightly advises Pamela to fix her hair. Thank you, Cynthia! Jill and Nicole look like castoffs from the Jubilee show at Bally’s. They’re the Sassy Sisters which I’m guessing means that Jill is more of Nicole’s friend than her mom. Amanda and Andrea (The Reigning A’s) give the longest introduction ever which confuses the judges and bores Carson. Moya and Jenileigh wear the shiniest, Tina Turner-esque outfits ever. Annette and Alana give the classiest presentation yet until Carson tells them that Silent but Deadly makes him think of farts. Ada and Christian come out and totally blow their introduction because Ada can’t remember her lines.
Elimination Time, or as Shanna puts it: De-sashing! I love this. The teams line up side by side and wait to be declared safe by the judges. The Blonde Bombshells, The Dream Gals, and The Reigning A’s are asked to step forward. Shanna reveals that Gina and Hollis made the best first impression which really must chap Team Erica Kane’s ass. Loves it! This means that The Blonde Bombshells and The Reigning A’s have the lowest scores. Both teams are so full of themselves that they must be in hell. You know that both teams thought they had this in the bag. Shanna tells the Blondes to pick up a pair of rhinestone scissors and de-sash The Reigning A’s. Of course the blondes (and all the other contestants minus Team Erica Kane) dissolve into tears.
Backstage, Andrea and Amanda can’t take their shoes off fast enough and try to spin crap into gold with their post de-sashing interview. I love this show. It’s so horrible! Rhinestone scissors!
Next week: It’s the swimsuit competition!
[...] Crowned and Dangerous Previously, the best show since Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team premiered. Mother/daughter pairs pulled up to the pinkest house ever and were tasked to come up with a creative… [...]
[...] Outside, the teams begin to plan the party and it looks like there’s too many people making decisions. Gina seems to be taking charge which isn’t going to endear her to the other teams. We’re treated to footage of the teams preparing their entrees and Team Erica Kane is all about making quiche. This is the hardest competition for Patty since she doesn’t cook and we all know that Laura can’t turn on an oven so she’s probably just in a corner smirking. I’m surprised Patty didn’t bust out the freezer bag full of hamburger meat she proudly boasted about in Episode 1. [...]