Just a Simple Girl with a Dream

Previously, the best show since Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team premiered.  Mother/daughter pairs pulled up to the pinkest house ever and were tasked to come up with a creative team name and opening presentation for the judges.  Team Erica Kane (Patty and Laura) went head to head with The Reiging A’s of Andrea and Amanda as the most obnoxious pair ever.  Gina and Hollis came out of nowhere to win the first competition and the unfortunately titled Blonde Bombshells were forced to pick up a pair of Bedazzled scissors and de-sash The Reigning A’s. 

We catch up with the lovely ladies as they return to Barbie’s Dream McMansion after the first competition.  The pairs are shocked (shocked!) that The Reigning A’s were de-sashed.  The Blonde Bombshells (Brenda and Heather–let’s be honest, I still can’t tell which one is the mom) brainstorm on a new name after being called out at judging.  If you remember, these are the women who are all about being “blonde” and “intelligent” and blah, blah, blah so they come up with the “Goal Driven Gals”.  That’s mildly better, I guess.  In other renaming news, Team Erica Kane (officially The Redhead Bombshells) become the “Sincere Sexy Reds”.  I’m sorry, that sounds like a cigarette tagline.  The Sassy Sisters turn into “The Goal Getters”.  Boring.  Silent But Deadly becomes Breaking Wind.  No, I’m just kidding.  They’re now “The Realists”.  Obviously no one in this competition is right brained. 

Bathing suit time!  Pageant Director Linnea instructs the pairs to put on their swim suits, heels, and sashes.  Do you ever think how weird it is that people wear bikinis and heels?  Posh Beckham does it.  Hell, I’ve done it.  I’ve never worn a sash though.  The ladies assemble outside and meet former Miss Teen USA Keylee Sanders who proceeds to coach the pairs on their swimsuit choices.  Awkward!  Wow, Keylee’s pretty harsh.  I fully recognize that these women had a choice in appearing on this program and whatnot but it’s never easy to be in a bathing suit in front of strangers, especially all four hundred viewers who watch this program.  Keylee’s acting like she’s Simon Cowell or someone.  Furthermore, I disagree with her opinions.  For instance, she tells Nicole that her swimsuit looks like something a five year old would wear and that she’s too old for polka dots.  Really?  Tell that to my Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Catalogue.  Then she walks over to mom Jill and tells her that “black doesn’t work in a swimsuit”.  Really, Keylee?  Where have you been my entire life as I rifled through the racks at Everything But Water?

Now for the most bitchy moment of the first segment: In an interview, Laura cackles as Patty drones on about their rivals Gina and Hollis.  Patty is all “Gina has an atrocious figure.  She definitely has the mom look”.  “The Mom Look” as opposed to the “I really, really want to be a red haired version of Susan Lucci Look”? 

Thankfully, Linnea steps back up and introduces the day’s challenge: the daughters must pick out new bathing suits for themselves and their mothers and present them to Keylee.  I would rather present myself in a bathing suit to Joe Francis.  Since the bathing suits are first come/first serve, the daughters speed off and now I can figure out which ladies are mothers.  For real, it’s like a stage full of Dina Lohans. 

Pamela and Felicia, who could rightfully be considered the underdogs of this series, interview about the suit selection process.  Pamela explains that watching Felicia pick out a bathing suit for her to wear was the worst feeling she’s ever had in her life.  I would like to have Felicia’s life.  Team Erica Kane has a tiff as Patty doesn’t want to try on what Laura selects.  Back to Felicia and Pamela, they’re intimidated by the other, more pageant-ready contestants.  Suddenly we’re in slow motion panic mode as we go to the commercial break.  Did the editors from Making the Team find work on this show?  I ask, because, you know…foreshadowing.

Critique with Keylee.  One by one, Keylee counsels the teams on their choices.  For the most part, Keylee is happy with their selctions, Pamela and Felicia included.  Disaster averted.

Now we’re back inside the house and Keylee announces Jill and Nicole as the winners.  For their prize, they must choose a present from a tray held by (no joke) Cabana Boy Kirk.  Oh my God, I think I just died.  A cabana boy.  Linnea gives some speech about how only some of the boxes contain treasures, but I’m still stuck on the fact that this show has a cabana boy.  Jill and Nicole end up with a corsage.  (A cabana boy!)

Meanwhile, it’s time for the bitchiest moment of the second segment: Angela of the poorly named Skin Deep team, interviews that she doesn’t think Jill and Nicole are beautiful.  She also says as much in the kitchen, calling them out for having “humps” in their noses.  Team Erica Kane is right on board, because they apparently noticed this from the jump.  Angela is carrying on that since Jill and Nicole think they are so perfect (which maybe they do, but it’s not something that we’ve been privy to as viewers) they should get their noses fixed.  I really don’t think that Angela has any room to talk.  Poor Nicole walks into the kitchen and realizes that she was being talked about, is hurt and walks away.  While all this is going on, the rest of the teams are eating in the dining room and can hear the two teams talking smack.  Great.  Let’s just feed into every stereotype about large groups of women in close quarters.

Here’s the saddest part of the show: Skin Deep Tenia, Goal Driven Gal Heather, and Hot & Not Christian eavesdrop on “that other clique” from atop the stairs.  Apparently, there are alliances now and Tenia is going to do everything in her power to make sure that no one in her group is eliminated.  Okay Tenia, this is a show with judges.  You don’t vote anyone out; the judges do, so you really don’t have a say in who goes home.  Although you have done a terrific job in making yourself look unnecessarily competitive and mean-spirited on national television.

After the break, we’ve moved on from bikinis to fitness.  The daughters must choose three types of exercises to incorporate into a routine to show the judges.  We are treated to a montage of the teams rehearsing.  Team Erica Kane is a mess.  Team Skin Deep will demonstrate boxing, running and their “own moves”.  I can’t wait.  From what I can tell, the moms are having a terrible time relinquishing control.  Really, moms?  First of all, the daughters are all adults (at least age-wise) and should be able to make decisions.  Secondly, it’s a short fitness routine.  It’s not like Shanna Moakler put the daughters in charge of the mothers’ 401k plans or something. 

Pageant time!  My BFF Carson is a vision in black sequins.  (Shanna and Cynthia Garrett are also present.)  First up Team Erica Kane.  In an interview Laura tells the camera that she put together “a vigorous one minute routine”.  Or an oddly intense routine.  Carson is scared.  I am too.  Surprisingly, the judges loved it.  Team Hot & Not confuses me and the judges.  The judges rightly pounce on them for not changing their name.  Poor Hot & Not mom has no self-confidence.  I ask myself why she is on the show but then I look at the previous sentence and I realize that I’ve answered my own question.  Pamela and Felicia’s routine disappoints.  Crying ensues.

Jenileigh and Moya present something straight out of Mortal Kombat. The Realists are up next with a routine that’s pretty boring.  They seem like nice ladies; they’re just way too reserved and normal for this show.  Skin Deep breaks it down with their “own moves” and by “own moves” I mean Kid n Play’s own moves.  The judges are underwhelmed.  The routine from the Gifted Dolls is pretty tame but the judges really like Rachelle’s exercise pants.  Hollis and Gina come out and while I thought their routine was cute and comical, the judges aren’t sold.  I don’t really pay attention to Jill and Nicole’s routine because I’m distracted by the fact that Jill looks like a younger Jane Seymour.  The judges don’t care for the routine and I feel vindicated for not paying attention.  The Goal Driven Gals come out and are really nervous.  Rightly so since they scored second to last in the previous competition.  Backstage Heather tells her mother that she let her down during the routine.  Nice.  Now we all have drama with our mothers but again, we don’t all put it all out there for viewers of The CW.

It’s time for de-sashing.  I wish de-sashing was something that happened in real life.  One by one the teams are called safe.  The Realists, Skin Deep, and the Tomboy Queens are in the bottom three.  I can make a case for each of these teams to be de-sashed:  The Realists should be on a better reality show like The Amazing Race.  Pamela and Felicia are the underdogs and would provide a great story arc if they stayed, but I’m not sure they’ll be able to reach the level the judges want them to aspire to.  Skin Deep is just mean (which means that it will be them and Team Erica Kane in the finals).  Finally after what seems like eons of waiting, Shanna instructs the Tomboy Queens to de-sash The Realists.  Shanna tells The Realists that “their pageant is over” and the ladies tear up again (except for Laura, who just looks like she’s smirking).  In their final interview, The Realists demonstrate once and again that they’re positive and intelligent people who somehow ended up on the wrong show.

Next week: Photo shoots and stormy callouts!