Just a Simple Girl with a Dream

Last week, The Realists got a reality check (I’ll be here all week!), the teams competed in swimwear, and a cabana boy delivers presents which may contain ”crown jewels” or cheap corsages.  

 We begin in the Bedroom of Bunk Beds and Broken Dreams as the “nice clique” toasts The Realists who “fell” in the last round.  Meanwhile, the “mean clique” dances around with little worry or care.  Just in case the audience can’t follow the heavy-handed editing, Tenia of Skin Deep explains that there are two (and she’s holding up two fingers as she says this) cliques in the house that don’t get along at all.  I sometimes wish Tenia would narrate my whole life; things would just be easier that way. 

Linnea shows up and tells the women to put on their evening gowns and meet outside in fifteen minutes.  Pamela explains that she has no pageant experience and has worked for thirteen years as a manager at a fast food restaurant.  She’s coming around to feeling more comfortable in the house, so maybe there is hope for her team yet.  Apparently Team Hot or Not changed their name to Blessed Beauties.  I must have missed this.  This is the team where the mother has no self esteem and the daughter had a discipline problem growing up.  They have “communication issues” they need to work through.  And everyone knows that the best place to work through issues is on reality TV.

So the ladies get all dressed up and assemble outside and I can’t believe that my old Project Runway BFF, Nick, is there.  Oh, Nick, why?  He’s still super adorable.  I think I love him because he’s always dressed up.  Like today, he’s wearing a vest.  Granted the women are in evening gowns but still.  He’s very European.  Apparently Nick designs for pageants.  Who knew?  I thought that was just Kane’s thing.  Speaking of Kane, why the hell didn’t he show up for this? So Nick slips into the Keylee role from last week and critique’s the team on their fashion choices. Nick tells Rachelle that the keyhole in her dress “cheapens” her.  Snap!  Moya needs to hem her dress as it puddles around her foot.  Nick tells Patty that her dress looks like “the mother of the bride”.  I think it looks more costume-y but I’m not the reality star.) Where’s Michael Kors?  Laura chimes in that Patty actually wore this to her wedding.  Wait, someone married Laura?  Patty pipes up that she didn’t want to look like the mother.  Of course not, she wants to look like Erica Kane.  Nick likes Pamela’s dress but doesn’t care for her black platform heels which he suggest should go into the dumpster.  Team Skin Deep are struggling.  Angela shows up in a wrinkled lavender dress and Nick quips that she looks like she’s “been having sex for three hours”!  Amazingly, Nick has silenced Angela.  I hope he sticks around.

In a total reversal of last week’s challenge, the moms must pick out coordinating evening gown ensembles for their teams.  We see numerous shots of the moms panicking from stress and the daughters having coronaries on the sidelines.  Time’s up and there are lots of sequins and jewel tones.  Nick notes that Rachelle looks so much better in her blue dress with gold accents.  Angela parades around in her yellow gold dress that is slit up to you know where and by “you know where” I mean there’s pixelation.  What a trainwreck. Tenia laughs it off but the other teams recoil in horror.  In a surprising move, Pamela keeps her original dress but changes the shoes.  I like that she sticks to her guns but that’s not going to win challenges.  Nick thinks Christian channels Liz Taylor in her silver beaded, Grecian-inspired dress.  I admit, it is lovely.

Back inside, Nick announces that Ada and Christian are the winners.  As the winners, they can choose a “beautifully wrapped gift” from Cabana Boy John.  Sometimes I don’t know which part is my favorite, the Cabana Boy segments or the de-sashing.  Ada and Christian end up winning gift certificates which is great, because I don’t know how well corsages would go with their new gowns.

Later, the bad girls use the intercom system in the kitchen to eavesdrop in on Hollis and Company in the living room.  In an interview, Tenia and Angela are all like “we listen to them on the intercom!” like it’s something to be proud of.  Coming from a team who flashed a guest judge, maybe it is.  So Angela tells the camera that she’s not into talking about people behind their backs which is in sharp contrast to last week’s episode when she called out Jill and Nicole…behind their backs.  Angela has ethics, y’all.  So Angela starts a huge throwdown between the two cliques (but it’s mostly just Gina and Hollis and Angela and Tenia).  Tenia calls Hollis a “big eyed girl”.  Wow, I’m sure Tenia was just a terror on the playground with those witty insults.  So Angela goes on and on about how Hollis must not have a vocabulary because she stooped to cursing and then Gina trumps her by reminding Angela that she pulled a Britney in the evening gown competition earlier.  Tenia gets up in Gina’s face and all hell breaks loose.  Afterwards, Gina and Hollis break away to regroup.  I feel for Gina and Hollis, but seriously, what part of living with other mother and daughters over eight weeks on national television seemed like a good idea?

The next morning, Jenileigh and Hollis sit in the kitchen making breakfast and then Angela arrives to stir up shit.  She actually greets Hollis with “I just thought you wanted to curse me out more this morning”.  Angela and Tenia can’t leave fast enough.  They make Team Erica Kane look like Team Laura Spencer. 

For the next challenge, the teams will undergo a makeover and subsequent photo shoot that will be supervised by the mothers.  The teams travel to a salon and get their hair and makeup done.  Mindy advises the hair stylist that she is “looking at the next Miss USA” (Rachelle).  Hmm, where’s Donald Trump when you need him?  Mindy, do you really want your daughter to end up on Pageant Place?   Pamela tells her stylist that she wants to look like J. Lo in Maid in Manhattan.  Oh God. 

At the photo studio, Mindy attempts to direct the shoot.  Not that many mothers would have experience with directing photo shoots, but Rachelle’s not exactly enthused by her mom’s ideas.  During their turn, Gina bursts into tears when styling Hollis.  I think it works though because you can tell that they have a special bond.  For some reason, Pamela decides that an off-white brick wall is the best background fro their shoot.  She also throws in a glass end table with candles for good measure.  Why?

At judging, Shanna Moakler pretends she’s the star of the show when in actuality all eyes are on Carson.  Cynthia Garrett is also there wearing some sort of turquoise choker. Team Erica Kane is up first.  Well, that picture of Erica and Kendal could definitely hang in their mansion.  Carson remarks that Laura looks like she could eat them for dinner.  You know, because Laura likes to eat (“and mama likes her hamburger meat”).  Skin Deep’s photo looks like a low rate Glamour Shot.  Tenia totally sells her mom out for not focusing enough on the shoot.  Good.  Send them home.  After they exit, Tenia remarks that it’s “the worst picture in the world”.  Finally, something we agree on.  The Goal Driven Gals finally seemed poise to break out of the bottom two when they deliver a quality photo.  The judges love Hollis and Gina’s photo and it truly is adorable.  I hope they win.  Nicole and Jane Seymour look at their photo (a full length shot of mother and daughter looking at each, holding hands) and love it.  The judges complement Ada and Christian on their photo (mainly because there is depth to it–they’re sitting on a love seat) as opposed to just standing in front of a background.  The judges are also impressed that the team seems to be gelling; Carson event comments that Christian seems more like a real person as opposed to the “biotch” (his word) she portrayed earlier. 

Okay, so Pamela and Felicia’s photo…hmm…well Carson says it looks like they’re “waiting to get their driver’s licenses”.  Yeah, that about sums it up.  Shanna points out that they look even more frightened in their photo than they do in real life.  Oh boy, this will not end well.  Pamela cries backstage and interviews that she tried to stage a good photo and that “a picture doesn’t mean anything”.  True, but it is what the judges are basing this round on.  Cynthia is horrified by Mindy and Rachelle’s photo.  She actually says their photos make them look like “ugly ducklings”.  Oh, this is not good.  They can’t go home.  It’s Skin Deep’s turn.  Mindy breaks down backstage and is afraid that they’ll be de-sashed.  At this point, it’s probably a blessing in disguise. 

It’s Rhinestone Scissors time!  Cynthia proclaims Team Erica Kane safe and I’m at peace with this since they weren’t that appalling this episode.  Carson totally ruins my night by telling Skin Deep their safe as well.   Oh this has to be producer intervention.  Shanna announces Ada and Christian as the winners but they don’t get to choose a beautifully wrapped gift from a cabana boy this time.  Mindy and Rachelle and Pamela and Felicia are in the bottom two.  The judges really pile on Mindy and Rachelle as Mindy cries silently.  Shanna instructs the Tomboy Queens to pick up the scissors and de-sash themselves.  Oh the shock!  Or not.  Come on, we all knew Shanna was going to fake us out sooner or later.  Crying ensues.  I know it must be sad, but it’s not like they’re being tasked to stab each other.  The camera pans across the remaining teams and I can’t decide who looks more smug: Laura or Angela.  Backstage, Pamela and Felicia take their de-sashing pretty well, relatively speaking.  Trust me, they’re better off.

 Next week: Team Erica Kane implodes and there’s hula hoops and trust clinics.