Just a Simple Girl with a Dream

Last week, The Blessed Beauties (formerly Hot and Not) swept the competitions and managed to work as a cohesive unit, Angela and Tenia grated on my last nerve, Nick from Project Runway upset me by appearing on this trainwreck, Shanna Moakler wore a dress straight out of a boutique on Melrose, and Pamela and Felicia were asked to de-sash themselves.

So here’s something I never expected: “The Bad Girls” clique loved Pamela and Felicia.  Who knew!  They arrive back in their room (filled with bunk beds natch) and discover roses on P&F’s beds.  Heather interviews that the competition is getting harder but yet she and Brenda are more determined to win.   Do you remember how cocky those two were at the jump? I think being in the bottom really softened them.

Linnea arrives and asks the lady to meet her in The Rose Court for a dance rehearsal.  The Rose Court: isn’t that what Donna Martin was on?  Hollis and Gina get ready with Jenileigh and Moya.  Jenileigh tells the camera that she enjoys hanging out with H&G and then we cut to an interview with Hollis and Gina talking about their relationship.  So, we’re barely five minutes into this episode and it’s all about Hollis and Gina.  You know what that means: either they win the competition tonight or they’re in the bottom two.  This isn’t my first time at the rodeo, Shanna. 

At The Rose Court, the teams meet Scott Grossman who will be choreographing the opening dance number.  I love cheesy opening dance numbers.  The Blondes brag about being good dancers.  Of course they are.  Jill may look like Jane Seymour but she can’t dance like her.  Scott incorporates some sort of trust exercise in the routine and brings out a “Trust Coach” to assist.  Where is  Awesome Ann?  I want to know why no one called Kitty Carter for this segment?  She could have shared her thoughts on not showing one’s “cash and prizes”. 

Team Erica Kane is up first in the trust exercise.  They have to sit back to back with their legs out and their elbows locked.  They’re supposed to stand up without unlocking their elbows.  The Blondes are the first to pop up while Team Erica Kane struggles and can’t get up.   Perhaps the Botox is weighing them down. I think I might have to take back the Erica Kane moniker because the real Erica Kane would never just give up like that.  She’d be like “I’m Erica Kane, dammit!”  Plus Kendal is awesome and Laura is…anyway…Patty can’t deal with the pressure and starts to cry.  There is a lot of crying on this show.  

In the next exercise, the mothers and daughters must stare at each other without talking or breaking eye contact.  How is this a trust exercise and not stalking?  What is this accomplishing that a high ropes course could not?  Some of the mothers and daughters tear up during the exercise.  Why?  Have they suddenly realized that this show isn’t a practical joke and it’s actually going to hit the airwaves?  As the segment ends, everyone claps but Team Erica Kane.  Apparently their only emotions are crying and smirking. 

Back inside, Brenda and Heather are announced as winners and as such, get to pick a beautifully wrapped gift from John the Cabana Boy.  They end up winning a gift package from Smashbox Cosmetics and everyone cheers.  I wonder what other gifts are available.  Is a one-on-one date with John somewhere in the mix? 

In the kitchen, Laura asks her mother to fix her something to eat.  Now Laura may look young and she very well may be young, but she’s also married so she must be capable of doing something.  Or not, because Laura has to go around asking the other women if they know how to turn the oven on.  Patty interviews that Laura is spoiled.  Well there’s the most obvious statement ever.  Back in their bedroom, Patty confronts Laura about her attitude and threatens to walk out.  There’s the Erica Kane I know and love!

When we come back from break it’s a new day so I’m not sure if a) the oven was turned on, b) Laura was able to eat and c) if Patty grew a spine and walked out.  Linnea asks the girls to get ready and meet her in the living room.  For the next elimination competition, the teams must put together a one minute talent presentation.  Christian is concerned since she and her mother don’t have a talent.  Something tells me a lot of teams will be stretching it when it comes to talent…like Angela and Tenia and Team Erica Kane.  Seriously, what would they do?  Pack a suitcase?  Shop?

Jenileigh is the current Miss Wyoming and plans to choreograph an aerial fabric routine for her team.  It’s very Cirque du soCrowned.  Good luck with that one, Sister.  Nicole and Jill will hula hoop.  If nothing else, those mad hula hooping skills can get them a job at Hooters.  Team Erica Kane will be singing “Climb Every Mountain” and I will be cringing.  Brenda and Heather “love to tell jokes” and will be performing “comedy” for their talent.  Kathy Griffin, watch out! Angela and Tenia will sing “I’m Every Woman”.  Of course they are.  Hollis and Gina will be singing and then assist the other teams with their routines.  I am seriously worried about H&G since they keep giving interviews.  They have to stay! 

The teams start imploding.  Nicole can’t deal with Jill looking at her stomach in the mirror.  Really?  Jill has a fantastic body, Nicole needs to chill.  Moya has a meltdown during the aerial fabric.  Patty isn’t confident in her piano playing.  Oh man, the talent portion promises to be the biggest disaster ever.

At judging, the teams walk in wearing hideous matching outfits.  Shanna wears her worst dress yet; it’s a red strapless mini dress that looks very Body Shop.  What is the wardrobe budget for this mess? $5o and a gift card to Forever 21?

Hollis and Gina start us off with their rendition of “Come Rain or Come Shine”.  Hmm.  Let me gather my thoughts: not fantastic.  The judges agree with Carson summing it up nicely: “Isn’t harmony supposed to sound good?” Burn!  Mindy and Rachelle are up next with their 40′s/Sailor Girl routine.  It’s cute and the judges seem into it and complement them on working together.  Jill and Nicole come out with their hula hoops and the effect is rather lackluster.  Cynthia Garrett asks J&N if they were terrified at the prospect of coming up with a talent.  Carson claims that the hula hooping is more a fitness instead of a talent and he’s absolutely correct.  When J&N tell the judges that they sing and dance, I know I’m not the only one wondering why this half-baked hula hoop idea appeared out of thin air.  Backstage, Jill tells Nicole that she had trouble hula hooping because she was wearing so many clothes, instead of baring her midriff like she wanted to.  Jill and Nicole, you could have come out in bikinis and the routine still would have crashed and burned.

Angela and Tenia wear purple iridescent dresses and “sing” and “dance”.  Carson and Cynthia do the sarcastic “slow clap” but then tell A&J that they made up for technical ability with attitude.  Meanwhile, Shanna loved the routine.  I can’t even deal with Shanna at this point.  Ada and Christian perform some sort of burlesque number that makes me think of Gypsy.  Or I Know Who Killed Me.   I think Carson secretly loves them because he keeps talking about Christian’s body.  Oh Carson.  You’ve worked with Kyan, don’t settle. 

Team Erica Kane brings the house down, and by bringing the house down, I mean shattering all the windows in Southern California.  To further piss me off tonight, the judges love their performance.  Now for the Blondes.  They tell a variety of dumb, Southern, blonde jokes.  Carson finds them really funny.  I think my honeymoon with Carson is over.  Cynthia and Shanna aren’t so sold.  Why isn’t anyone doing baton twirling?  The most original talent belongs to Moya and Jeniliegh with their aerial work.  It’s really spectacular and impresses me and Carson.  Cynthia and Shanna think that the focus of the piece was mostly on Jenileigh and that Moya could have been featured more as well.  Well yes, but then Tenia and Angela could have gone home last week but they didn’t.  Whatever. 

At de-sashing, Shanna calls Tenia and Angela as safe and I’m already bummed.  Jenileigh and Moya are also declared safe.  Carson’s girls Christian and Ada are safe as well.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Christian and Carson get a self-help reality show after this.  Team Erica Kane, Gina and Hollis and Nicole and Jill are called to the front of the stage.  One pair will be the winner and the other two will land in the bottom two.  Well hell just froze over because Team Erica Kane wins the talent portion.  My head is spinning.  I’m really frightened for Gina and Hollis.  I can’t believe the judges found them worse than Tenia and Angela or the Def Blondes Comedy Tour.  Shanna asks Gina and Hollis to pick up the rhinestones scissors.  Now will they de-sash themselves or Jill and Nicole?  This is just like that open-ended short story “The Lady or the Tiger”.  After an hour of waiting, Shanna tells Gina and Hollis to de-sash Jill and Nicole.  Hollis refuses and tells Nicole she can keep her sash.  Shanna reminds everyone that she is the host of the show and orders Hollis to cut the sashes and not to use wire hangers EVER!  Cue the requisite crying.  How much do you want to bet that Jill won’t let the extra clothes thing go?  I’m sure she’ll bring that up at every holiday gathering from now until 2015.

Next week: there is a smiling clinic and Angela promises to work my last nerve.