The teams arrive back at Barbie’s Dream McMansion dejected over losing Jill and Nicole. They’re not dead people; they just can’t run around The Rose Court anymore. Rachelle and Mindy seem to be taking this especially hard. Additionally, Mindy hurt her knee in the “talent” competition and has to be carried up the steps by her daughter.
In the Bad Girls Bedroom, Angela is talking some nonsense with the Blondes about how their sashes are “fortified”. In the Good Girls Bedroom, Jenileigh and Moya try to rally the troops into banding together against the other side of the house. Of course, the Bad Girls Clique are now downstairs and listening to this over the intercom system. Hollis calls out Laura for being “spoiled rotten” and talking to her mother “horrifically”. Laura crinkles up her nose and is like “me? Spoiled, really? Just because I can’t master the complex art of turning on an oven?”
Linnea summons the women to meet her at The Rose Court and to “bring their smiles”. Linnea introduces Keith, the director of the Miss California USA pagaent to teach the girls the proper way to smile. Keith walks up to Angela and asks to see her “swimsuit smile”. I’m too distracted by Angela’s hideous electric blue eyeshadow and matching headband. In addition to the swimsuit smile, there’s also the evening gown smile, the natural smile, the interview smile, the “I’ve got a secret” smile and the closing smile. What about the “ironic smile because this is the most ridiculous thing ever” smile? I use that one every Wednesday at 8 pm.
During smile practice, the Blondes decide to work on the interview smile, which they think should be easy since they’re “smart”. I love how they think they need to keep bringing that up. Look ladies, if you were really smart you wouldn’t be on this trainwreck, now would you? Meanwhile, Keith totally busts on Laura during his one-on-one with her. First of all, her smiles all look the same and secondly, they only emphasize that she’s not a cute girl. When it comes time for the evening gown smile, Keith laments that he doesn’t “see very much intelligence in it”. Preach it, Keith. Jenileigh is having trouble with her closing smile. Who is she Derek Zoolander? All the looks are the same.
After practice, each pair will have to stand on a rotating pedestal with a plastered on smile on their faces while the other teams try to break their composure. This will only end badly. Mindy and Rachelle are up first and the other teams start calling out insults, instead of asking difficult questions to throw off their game. Angela calls out that they’re “two venomous vipers rolling together”. Where the hell did that come from? She’s clearly just warming up because she tells Gina and Hollis that they look like “two mooses that need to be mounted”. Laura explodes into laughter. Easy Kendall, you’ll get your turn.
Hollis, Gina, Jenileigh, Moya and Mindy and Rachelle make a pact not to say anything negative during this exercise. This seems to throw the other teams for a loop. In an interview, Tenia drones on about how these teams were fake in an exercise that was supposed to be real or some nonsense like that. When Jenileigh and Moya are up, the Bad Girls totally insult them by constantly referring to how “poor” they allegedly are. Tenia is especially nasty and mentions that Moya entered the house wearing “brokeass stiched up pants”. Angela is right there and says that while Jenileigh and Moya are broke, “they have money”. Tenia and Angela may have money but they lack taste and class. Laura tries to get in on the action, but isn’t even clever with her putdowns. Go home, Kendall.
After throwing mild barbs at Angela and Tenia and Team Erica Kane, Jenileigh starts crying about her behavior. The editors rightly juxtapose this with the Bad Girls clique re-iterating all their nasty putdowns. What surprises me is Ada. I love that someone with limited self-esteem, trying to re-establish a relationship with her troubled daughter is happy to stand there and join in all the negativity. In fact, it seems like she supports it. Angela then launches into a monologue about how her hair extensions probably cost more than Moya’s house and I hope, hope, hope that someone not only takes the rhinestones scissors to their sashes but to their weaves as well.
Mindy’s leg continues to bother her so she and Rachelle depart for the hospital and from the madness. Inside the house, Moya and Jenileigh are picked as the winners and Angela and Tenia practice their best fake smile. As winners, they get to pick a gift from John the Cabana Boy. Jenileigh tries to take John and for the first time this episode, I let out a natural smile. They end up with huge corsages and Team Erica Kane looks smug (you know, their version of the natural smile). The whole time I’m watching this, it continues to amaze me that Laura is married. Seriously, she acts like a twelve year old (and I’m being kind).
Back from the hospital, Mindy has a sprained knee but vows to continue in the competition. Why? Is living with Angela really worth the prize money? In this week’s challenge, the teams must make a one minute video log to present to the judges on why they should win the competition. For their vlog, Team Erica Kane erupts again. Laura is “the director” and can’t deal with Patty’s inability to remember her lines. Laura asks her mother if she needs to tell her to “shut the eff up.” Oh, to be a fly on the wall of Laura’s marriage home.
The blondes perpetuate the myth that they are “funny” in their vlog. In an interview, they talk about how they’re “too smart” and “overthink” things. Yeah, I’m not seeing it. Mindy, drowsy from a Vicodin, falls asleep and Rachelle is tasked to write the majority of the vlog. Okay, it’s sixty seconds. I can improv that. Tenia and Angela quarrel as well but get it together at the end. Whatever, I still actively dislike them. Ada and Christan argue over their shooting location and Ada grows a spine and calls Christan a bitch. Finally, negativity well served.
At judging, Shanna wears one of those ponytails like the original Barbie doll. She also refers to Carson as a “maven”. Ada and Christan are up first to present their vlog. I’ll say this: it’s very scripted and not at all natural. Still, Cynthia Garrett eats it up and Shanna loves “the comedy”. If you’ve ever wondered who those people are that watch According to Jim, look no further than the judging panel. Angela and Tenia’s vlog talks about how they’ll try to raise awareness for HIV and animal rights. Really? I didn’t know that the Crowned title came with a speaking platform. Shanna loved their message. I’m furious because it seems fake and it also means that they’re going to stick around for another week.
In their vlog, the Blondes try to be funny and smart and fail at both. The judges don’t seem to get it and I finally feel like we’re on the same page for the first time in weeks. Team Erica Kane’s vlog is framed horribly and involves a horrid rhyming scheme and Laura’s ear-piercing singing. There’s also an unfortunate bit about Patty wearing a thong. Backstage, Laura berates her mom for answering the judges’ questions. I really can’t believe how many daughters on this show openly disrespect their mothers. I also can’t believe Laura can’t operate an oven or is married but I’ve already covered that.
Moya and Jenileigh discuss their financial situation and the tragedies that they have overcome. Their video is different from the others because they used more than one shot, had multiple locations and it was edited well. Shanna isn’t keen on the “sob story” aspect of their video and tells them that she doesn’t want to award them the title because she feels bad for them. Well I don’t think Shanna should host the show because she wears her hair like that. So there. Mindy and Rachelle’s vlog is cute if nothing special. Carson likes it because it’s direct, although he finds it short on originality. Well not everyone can shriek like Laura. Gina and Hollis are last and present a theatrical style video. The judges think it’s cute and original but not especially defining.
Before the de-sashing, Team Erica Kane is still in disarray. Laura can’t even look at her mother and I delight at the thought of them being de-sashed and making the long trip back to Pine Valley. After the break, the teams line up and Ada and Christan are called safe first. Also safe: Jenileigh and Moya and Gina and Hollis. Mindy and Rachelle are also called safe, leaving the Blondes, Team Erica Kane and Angela and Tenia. Oh God, this is hell for me, because I just know that in this group of three, Angela and Tenia must be the winners. Why, God, why? The entitlement, it burns! The judges love the fact that they talked about issues. Really, would they love how they talk smack about the other contestants? With hell freezing over, Team Erica Kane and the Blondes are left in the Final Two. You know that Laura is just hating her mother at this point. Shanna instructs Team Erica Kane to take the rhinestone scissors and de-sash the Blondes. Damn. Patty has no idea what just happened and Laura so eloquently (and by that I mean, not at all) tells her mother that she must de-sash them. Angela for some reason dissolves into tears, but not into a puddle as I originally thought. Patty sobs as she de-sashs the Blondes who try to keep up a brave face. Once again, this is the saddest moment ever. Why? You should be happy for them. No more Angela and Laura to deal with!
On the next episode: Patty calls Rachelle a bitch! Burn!
