At Barbie’s Dream McMansion, Ada and Christan lament the loss of The Blondes. They then get all weepy about how far they’ve gone in the competition. What is it with crying on this show? I secretly think John the Cabana Boy is constantly chopping up onions. That’s the only explanation for all this nonsense. There’s some contrived conversation between Team Skin Deep as Tenia doesn’t think Angela is serious enough about the competition. Finally, Tenia wises up. I’m just sad that its taken her this long to realize that despite winning the last round, ghastly eye makeup, “costly extensions” and negative attitudes will only get you so far. This being a reality show, however, means they’ll most likely make it to the finals.
For today’s competition, the woman must meet Linnea outside wearing pants and close toed shoes. They hop on a bus and end up at a Habitat for Humanity site. Oh, this will be gold right here. I only wish Ty Pennington was there so it would be five levels of annoying instead of just four (Team Erica Kane, Tenia and Angela). Speaking of Team Erica Kane, how in the hell is Laura supposed to build a house when she can’t even turn on an oven? Luckily, God smiled on them and gives them landscaping duty with Mindy and Rachelle.
Moya and Jenileigh are apparently bricklayers. Ha! They find this task especially meaningful due to their current situation of not having a brick and mortar house to live in. Angela and Tenia, those wealthy and classy ladies, are painting a fence with Ada and Christan. What is this, Tom Sawyer?
Back at landscaping duty, Team Erica Kane interviews that Laura asked Mindy and Rachelle to be on their team even though Patty thought it would be a bad idea jeans since “Mindy is crippled right now” so “she wouldn’t be able to pull her weight”. There’s so many things wrong with that sentence. First of all, Mindy is not crippled. She’s injured. Secondly, if any one isn’t pulling their weight, check out the Sincere, Sexy, Redhead beside you, Erica. Right on cue, Team Erica Kane decides to switch jobs when they’re told that they have to landscape the entire perimeter and not just the section they began work on. Laura complains that her arms are hurting her and she can’t pick up sod anymore. I guess the lawns are smaller in Pine Valley.
Back at the manse, Linnea explains that the Habitat Foreman was judging the teams on their work ethic and will thus decide the winner for this task. All the teams are on pins and needles hoping for their names to be called. The best is Angela just sitting there like she has this in the bag. Please, you painted a fence. To no one’s surprise (except apparently Team Erica Kane) Mindy and Rachelle are announced as the winners and must choose a beautifully wrapped corsage gift. Choose wisely, ladies! Mindy and Rachelle open the boxes and…guess what…they find the coveted crown jewels! In all seriousness, they receive pretty sapphire and diamond earrings. Cut to Team Erica Kane looking pissed.
Back at Fusion their bedroom, Team Erica Kane reconstruct the events of the day, mocking Mindy. Laura declares Mindy and Rachelle “big beyotches” because they allegedly put on a show landscaping. Really Kendall? Do you want me to start calling Rachelle ”Greenlee” and Cabana Boy John “Ryan“, because I will? Rachelle decides to clear the air and speak to Team Erica Kane. Patty looks a mess with a protruding ponytail and brown halter top (seriously does she shop at Forever 21’s flagship store XXI?). Laura melts down and talks about how she got her clothes dirty landscaping. Patty (in her teenwear) gets all up in Rachelle’s face and if I were Rachelle, I would truly be frightened at that sight coming at me. They keep arguing and basically call each other spoiled brats. Rachelle leaves the room and Patty calls her a bitch as seen in last week’s previews. Wow, Erica. I guess that house in Pine Valley must be made of glass.
At The Rose Court, Linnea explains that the pairs will have to take a position about a certain platform issue. Oh God, this will only end horribly. I naively think these platforms will be about serious issues (you know like world poverty) but it’s lame stuff like “do blondes have more fun?” So the teams will have to get together, figure out what they’re going to say and then present their platform at a shopping mall. (Where all platforms should naturally be presented.) The women go their separate ways to brainstorm and I’m really struck by how effectively Team Erica Kane communicates. Except when I say “effectively” I’m being a huge bitch and mean that facetiously.
The women get back on the bus and head to the mall. This is definitely the oddest thing to happen at a mall since the Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders selected their 2005 squad. A crowd gathers around the teams just like all those Vegas tourists stand around and watch the statue performance artists at the Venetian. We see little clips of each team but no one seems to be a clear winner.
After a hard day’s work at the mall, the teams go over their performances. Ada and Christan talk in their bedroom and I really don’t get Christan’s obsession with the fake hair. She’s like Jessica Simpson minus the Romo curse. Mindy, meanwhile, is really upset about her presentation with Rachelle. Rachelle tries to comfort her and and says that there’s “only one week left”. Really? Could my life’s work really be over by next week? What if the Writers continue to strike? Will the CW reassemble the ladies for a multi-week reunion show?
At judging, the teams step out on stage to that weird, “let’s put on a show!” music. Shanna wears another oddly-fitting Grecian-inspired number. I think the stylist must have a Clash of the Titans obsession. Where’s Harry Hamlin?
Jenileigh and Moya step up and Jenileigh has apparently raided Shanna’s wardrobe, because she’s wearing a Grecian dress as well. They then watch a video of their performance from earlier at the mall. While it doesn’t seem like it went over well in person, the judges seem to like that they engaged the audience. Mindy and Rachelle are up next and present their position that plastic surgery does not make a person perfect. I would have given them all the money and crown jewels if they would have started out with “tell me what you don’t like about yourself” and/or namechecked Dr. Rey. Unfortunately, they go over their time frame and the judges aren’t sold on their persuasiveness or public speaking skills. I’m pretty shy, but I think I’m a pretty good public speaker (I’m a debate champion, dammit!), but to be fair, I don’t really think I could get up there and talk about hair color and how it relates to my personality in front of Bebe Sport.
Speaking of hair color, Team Erica Kane waxes philosophic about how blondes don’t have more fun. Well, I’m glad they cleared that up. Where was Team Erica Kane when I dropped $200 at my hair stylist last month? Angela and Tenia are up to give their thoughts on body art. First of all, let me go over their outfits: Tenia wears some sort of electric green dress with cutouts and Angela sports a pastel color more suited for Easter Egg dying. Their taped presentation comes off horribly due to Angela’s stilted speech patterns. The judges aren’t really sure what she’s trying to say and frankly, I think Angela was just as confused herself. I guess she’s only verbose when insulting the other teams.
Hollis and Gina talk about how great bargain shopping is. Why is this a platform? On video, they are very “talky” and seem to relate to the audience. The judges agree and think they did a good job conveying their message of…finding sales or something. Ada and Christan’s platform issue is “do nice people finish last?” Hmm, how did this platform not go to Skin Deep? They would have nailed it. Speaking of nailing it, Ada and Christan are so far from nailing this platform, they’re at the Food Court at the opposite end of the mall ordering Sbarro. My favorite part is when Ada explains that nice people finish last for a reason. I would have loved her to follow that up with something about how winners eavesdrop on nice people over the house intercom system, but no.
Now it’s time for de-sashing, or the best thing about this show. Right off the bat, Jenileigh and Moya are safe. Carson declares Patty and Laura safe as well and I half expect Patty to bust out with “I am Erica Kane” all triumphantly but to no avail. Cynthia calls Mindy and Rachelle as safe and then Mindy cries with happiness. On to the winner. Three teams are called forward, one will win; two will be threatened with the scissors. The teams are Hollis and Gina, Angela and Tenia, and Ada and Christan. It’s no shock when Shanna announces H&G as the winner and I wish they would cut to Angela or Laura so I could delight in this moral victory. I don’t know if I’ve really explained this portion before or not, but each judge points out the flaws in each of the bottom teams’ performances. I’m particularly thrilled when Shanna tells Ada and Christan how “disappointed” she in them. Really, Shanna? What is she going to do? Put them on notice via her MySpace like she did with Lohan? Seriously of all the stunts Shanna’s pulled, I think it’s really condescending for her to be disappointed in anyone. (For the record, she’s also disappointed in Angela and Tenia, so I take back my earlier thought, because that’s totally justified.) Shanna instructs Team Skin Deep to pick up the rhinestones scissors and de-sash themselves.
Oh my God!
A miracle!
So just when I’m about to cackle with laughter, Tenia announces that “she’s running” and they depart the stage without cutting their sashes. Shanna is pissed and musters something like “and that’s why they weren’t crowned”. Backstage, Angela talks some nonsense about how she and Tenia are forever beauty queens and won’t be humiliated. Really? Explain the last five weeks.
Next week: Greenlee and Kendall fight and Laura has the quote of 2008 with “I just don’t want to show like any stupidity whatsoever!” Too late.
