Live studio audience finale, y’all! How sad is it that I realized it was Wednesday and I became super excited? Shanna narrates the longest “Previously On” segment ever as she provides backstory on the remaining four teams. We see lots of flashbacks to earlier competitions and I am reminded of how many unfortunate wardrobe and hair choices Shanna has made over the course of this series. Shanna explains that Moya and Jenileigh have been through difficult times with the death of Jenileigh’s father and subsequently losing their house. We then see that clip of Shanna telling them that she won’t crown them because she feels sorry for them. On to Mindy and Rachelle: they’ve done pageants, Mindy had a kidney transplant, and Rachelle is a pageant pro. Shanna describes Team Erica Kane as “intense” and “aggressive”. I admire Shanna’s (or her writers’ restraint). Hollis and Gina, meanwhile, impress the judges with their “big, Texan personalities” and then we see clips of them arguing with Team Skin Deep and winning like every competition ever. Cue opening montage which I get stuck in my head every Thursday morning.
The teams arrive to the undisclosed location where they will be rehearsing for the pageant. Since we’re down to just four pairs, each team has their own dressing room instead of the communal backstage area they’re usually privy to. In their dressing room, Laura almost has an aneurysm explaining some blocking to her mother. It’s scary because she’s running around in circles and talking really fast. I think she’s almost rabid.
In Jenileigh and Moya’s dressing room, celebrity hairstylist Christophe is working on the girls. Frankly, I’m surprised that Ken Paves isn’t all up in the mix. Seriously, can’t you see him trying to attach those Jessica Simpson hair extensions onto Hollis? Speaking of Hollis, she and her mother are near tears in their room. They’re very emotional. Mindy and Rachelle discuss Mindy’s curly hairstyle. Where was Christophe to consult on this matter?
This show is going really quickly because all of a sudden we see that an audience of tens of people has arrived to witness this. I’m not kidding, if I pause the TV I think I can count all the people. The teams take the stage as an announcer tells the crowd to “welcome the mothers and daughters of Crowned”. The pairs begin to sing and dance to “Anything You Can Do” and we get to see the magic that is Scott Grossman’s choreography. I would also like to point out that the teams are wearing the same dresses they sport during the opening credits. Also, I am assuming that the contestants are lip synching since no one appears to have a microphone on. At least give them headset mics, like they used to for Britney before she entered her unfortunate chronic Mercedes buying and British accent speaking phase.
Okay I think I just died inside because the opening number ends, the girls move to the sides of the stage and I see a figure walk down the stairs and onto the runway. In my head I’m thinking “no, it can’t be…can it?” But it is. Ladies and Gentleman, your host for this evening my Melrose Place boyfriend Dr. Peter Burns (Jack Wagner)! My entire week will be made if at any point in this program Jack busts out with “All I Need”. I will also be super excited if Heather Locklear shows up. As you can tell, I love, love, love Jack Wagner, but what the hell is he doing on this show? Did he take a paycut at The Bold & The Beautiful? If that’s the case, and I’m clearly just hypothesizing, there’s always General Hospital to fall back on. Now granted they’ve thrown Frisco under the bus only slightly more than Robert Scorpio and perhaps old Jack didn’t want to come back to be on the receiving end of a verbal bitchslap from Maxie Jones but hosting the Crowned Season Finale? Maybe we are in a recession. (By the way, it appears that Jack is wearing a purple suit. What is this? The Prince Show?)
Back on topic, Jack explains that the winners of this “historical event” will win custom made diamond necklaces, tiaras, and $100,000. They will be judged in swimsuit, evening gown, talent, and interview and each area will be worth 25% of their total score. Jack then goes on to introduce the judges: Carson, looking dashing in a tux; Shanna, “a successful model and actress” styled like Michelle Pfeifer’s character in Scarface; and Cynthia Garrett wearing a long white dress and trademark choker.
We kick things off with the swimsuit competition. I think I mentioned this in the “coming attractions” last week, but both Laura and Patty are wearing bikinis. They strut around the runway trying to look sexy. I’m sorry but the sexy walks need work. Carson tells Team Erica Kane that they have “sassitude”. Shanna thinks that they weren’t in sync and were lacking in teamwork while Cynthia believes that there wasn’t much differentiation between mother and daughter. I think that roughly translates as “Patty should have worn a one piece”. Moya and Jenileigh walk out next and wear more modest suits. Jenileigh’s bikini has more fabric than Laura’s and Moya covers up with a sarong, which earns points with the judges. Hollis wears a flattering halter style top and bikini bottoms while Gina wears a one piece with sarong. Cynthia and Carson find them off in their footwork yet Shanna comments that they appear “polished”. Rachelle and Mindy buck the trend of color matching suits since Rachelle wears a blue bikini and Minday a red one piece. Carson thinks that the suits should coordinate better and Shanna and Cynthia think Mindy looks too nervous. Jack assembles the teams back on stage and calls out their scores: Team Erica Kane is in fourth place while Jenileigh and Moya take first. Just as Jack tells the ladies to get ready for the talent portion, Mindy drops down and complains of dizziness. Some medics check Mindy out and take her backstage to rest. My favorite part is that she asks if someone can bring her some chicken or a hamburger. Mindy, hamburgers are for Patty!
Team Erica Kane starts off the talent portion and things just get wacky. Laura is doing that high pitched thing she calls singing while Patty plays the piano. All of a sudden, Laura announces that she’s messed up, wanders away from the mic, sings to her mother, comes back and starts again. The judges are SHOCKED. Or bemused. In fact, I’m pretty sure Laura messes up again but keeps on going. As she hits a high note, Carson looks like he’s afraid that he’ll shatter like a wine glass. After the performance, the judges seize on their mistakes and promise to take away points for their lack of poise.
Jenileigh and Moya come out with their aerial work and it looks much better than it did a few episodes back. I especially enjoyed it when Moya skipped around the stage with a ribbon like Will Ferrell in Old School. Cynthia is near tears and commends the ladies on their performance. Carson, meanhwile, thinks that Moya could have done a little bit more in the actual performance.
Gina and Hollis sing a re-arranged version of their song from the preliminaries. Instead of singing to the audience, they sing to each other. They totally could be The Judds at this point. While this number was roasted earlier in the series, the judges really think they’ve improved.
Mindy feels well enough to go back out there and perform the sailor dance routine with Rachelle. I’ll admit it; it’s a cute little dance. It’s also cute that Jenileigh and Moya and Hollis and Gina cheer them on from backstage. Team Erica Kane looks bored and yawns. The judges think that Mindy looks much less nervous and Shanna assures them that they will not judge them based on how Mindy is feeling. After a brief commercial break, Jack reveals that Team Erica Kane is still in fourth place, Hollis and Gina are in third, Jenileigh and Moya are in second place, and with a perfect score of 30 in the talent portion, Mindy and Rachelle take the lead.
It’s evening gown time and Team Erica Kane parades around stage. Laura wears a cobalt blue halter dress while Patty wears a purple and nude corset dress. Carson has issues with Patty’s dress and thinks it looks “dated”. I think it looks exactly like something that Erica Kane would bust out in Pine Valley. Shanna is “surprised by their lack of charisma”. I am too. Maybe the production assistants should have thrown out some hamburger meat. Jenileigh and Moya wear black, silver and white dresses and the judges generally seem to like them. Gina wears a plain black strapless dress while Hollis wears an interesting shade of green. The judges also seem to like them although Carson feels that Gina could accessorize more with her dress. Rachelle models a rich brown strapless dress while Mindy wears a sliver beaded dress reminiscent of my junior prom dress. Again the judges love them. Basically the judges are loving everyone but Team Erica Kane. It’s time for scores. Jack tells the audience that “anything can happen” and tells Mindy and Rachelle that they are in first place. Jenileigh and Moya are in second place. Before we can go on, there’s an “ambush de-sashing”. Say what? The rhinestone scissors come out and Jack informs the ladies that the team with the lowest score will be de-sashed and out of the competition. Jack instructs Gina and Hollis to take the stage and de-sash Team Erica Kane. How fitting! Team Erica Kane declared war on Hollis and Gina from the jump! I’ll be honest, I’m a little sad because I wanted to see Patty and Laura fumble their way through the interview portion.
Backstage, Team Erica Kane seem to take their de-sashing relatively well. Laura still can’t get over her faulty performance in the talent competition. Neither will I as I’m afraid it will haunt me for days.
Mindy and Rachelle come out first for their interview question. Jack asks them what their platform issue is and Rachelle explains that they support organ donation since it is so near to both of them. Unfortunately Rachelle dominates and Mindy only gets one sentence in. Jack follows up by asking them how much of their prize money they would donate towards their cause. I’ll be honest; I don’t like questions like that. Remember when Bunky got all up in arms because Evil Dr. Will said he didn’t want to donate any money to charity and instead buy jet skis for himself and Boogie on Big Brother 2? Well Will won and it’s his prerogative what he does with his money. Therefore, I think it’s sort of an unfair question to ask, but Mindy and Rachelle seem to handle it well, even if Rachelle does most of the talking.
Gina and Hollis are up next and I really think this is chance to win. They are also asked about their platform issue and seem to dance around the question for the first ten seconds. Basically they would like to teach children and parents to better communicate with one another. And sing while looking into each other’s eyes like they’re the second coming of The Judges. They would initially commit ten percent of their winnings to their charity and then they kind of sputter out the remaining part of their answer. Uh oh. That won’t translate well. Moya and Jenileigh support following one’s dreams. Jenileigh talks about seeing aerial work in a show and pursued it with the help of her mother. For their second question, Jenileigh and Moya vow to give away all the money to charity. They just committed the pageant equivalent of going all in during the World Series of Poker. I guess they won that round.
When we come back from the break, all the teams are assembled on the stage and the three remaining pairs walk forward, hand in hand. The suspense is killing me. Okay not really. Here’s a big shocker: Hollis and Gina are awarded Second Runners Up! I seriously had them pegged as the winners. Well, up until Jenileigh and Moya decided to give all their potential money away. Mindy and Rachelle are First Runners Up which makes Jenileigh and Moya the winners! Linnea makes her first appearance of the night as she presents the crowns, roses and new sashes. Speaking of the crowns, they’re kind of frightening. Do you know what else is frightening? The fact that Jack Wagner mentioned that Jenileigh and Moya are the “first ever” winners of Crowned which means that this show got renewed. Oh hell. See you next season!
