Just a Simple Girl with a Dream

True confession: I used to love The Real World, Road Rules and all those ubiquitous challenges that they’d crank out every five minutes.  Then Road Rules started eliminating people, The Real World showed up in Philly, and Coral and Abe became star crossed lovers on the challenges.  Oh, and then when Bunim/Murray (who once upon a time, did not hire me) realized that the same ten idiots showed up on every challenge, they started casting regular people like you and me, an idea which I hated.  If I wanted to watch “real” people, I would sit outside on my front porch drinking a tall glass of Country Time Lemonade.  What’s worse is that Survivor seems to have co-opted this idea for its latest “fan vs. favorites” challenge.  Hideous.

Anyway, here’s the point: In anticipation for their 20th season (Dear God, how did we get to 20? It started in like 1992), MTV is going to air a Real World Awards Show.   I find this appaling for many reasons, but most of which being that The Real World has not been releveant since Brad and Robin were both thrown in jail on the same evening.  (The TV elitist in me should probably have said “…since Melissa picked up Dan’s slides of the movie, The Birdgcage”, but I loved me some Real World San Diego.  Really, how could you not?  “Free Brad!” “That’s Agnostics!” “Don’t cry, Randy!” “I won’t cry, Brad!”  I could watch that all day!)

So against my better judgement, I took a peak at the categories, mainly to see if any of my favorites were nominated and also to see if I would have a clue who anyone nominated is.

Here are some surprises:

Best Brush with the Law-While this begins and ends with the aforementioned Robin and Brad getting arrested on the same night , there’s a nominee from Austin and Denver, two seasons that I feel ashamed that I know existed.  Why couldn’t MTV have thrown us old school people a bone and nominated Puck for landing in jail the very day he was supposed to move into the San Francisco house?  (Answer: because probably no one voting was born in 1994.)

Best Fight: Somewhat better: Our nominees are Brynn and Steven, Tami and David, Julie and Kevin, Pedro and Puck and two morons from Denver.  I’m going to go with Tami and David if only for the brief scene where Tami accidentally slams the door in Beth’s face.  Seriously, though, why no love for Dan and Melissa?  (“Are they yours?  Do they say your name on them?  I work at Ocean Drive!” yelled as Melissa clomps up the stairs in her mules.)

Steamiest Scene: The most ridiculous category yet!  The only nominee I know is that ridiculous hot tub session between Steven, Trishelle and Brynn! I can’t believe no love for Miami’s Mike, Melissa, and random cocktail waitress!  Bonus points for Flora and Dan trying to spy and Cynthia threatening to pour holy water on everyone!  The kids, they just don’t know what they’re missing!

Biggest Meltdown: Well, if you’re wondering where all the Dan and Melissa love is, look no further.  Although I argue with the term “meltdown”.  I mean, that’s more along the lines of San Francisco Cory whining about how she can’t work at a coffee shop or London Mike freaking out in the store over the lack of Ranch Dressing.  Or anything with Ruthie drunk in Hawaii.  Bonus if it includes Teck complaining about her throwing glassware (“What if we have company? Baby, you’re beautiful!”) Who makes these categories up?

Biggest Playa: If New Orleans David does not win this, I think I may have a debilitating stroke.  “Come on be my baby tonight?” Not only did David define “playa”, but he wrote a song about it and alienated the entire cast in the process.  Remember when he brought that random hookup home and then made her friend sit in the living room on the computer?  Where is he now?  Why isn’t he on Itunes?

Favorite Love Story: Oh my God, are any of these couples still together?  Not that I really watched The Real World Austin, but honestly, I see no difference between Danny and Melinda and Spencer and Heidi.  (Except Us Weekly apparently returns Spencer’s calls.)

Hottest Male: I am absolutely floored that somehow Eric Nies earned a nomination.  What the kids today might not understand is that back in the day, Eric was pretty hot.  Then he got all into himself, hosted The Grind, annoyed everyone on that All Star Road Rules edition and then took up jump roping.  Still, I enjoyed his flirtation with Julie.  What? I was 12!

Hottest Female: Jacinda Barrett is nominated in this category and I’m sure she’ll take a break from her busy schedule of actually working in the film industry (as opposed to making appearances at college bars) to pick up her trophy in person.

Favorite Season: Shock of shock, all the seasons are nominated, much like how Soap Opera Digest used to nominate all the soaps for Best Soap, even though As the World Turns never had a prayer to win since Days of Our Lives fans stuffed the ballot boxes.  Personally, I loved San Francisco, New York, Los Angeles, Boston, New Orleans and San Diego.  Miami was classic, London and Paris were hideous, Back to New York gave us Coral and The Miz (for better or for worse) and the bright spot of Chicago was that song about Tonya (“and kidney stones and not on the trip and not on the trip!”). With that being said, I bet some skankalicious season like Vegas or Austin wins.

I weep for the future.