I’ll be the first to admit that I watched Melrose Placefrom the jump. I was just at that age when I would eat what ever Aaron Spelling would feed me. Looking back, it’s hard for me to believe that Jake Hansen, the knight in white satin armor, began his humble Spelling existence as Jackie Taylor’s handyman. Come to think of it, didn’t Dylan know him too? Dylan knew every person over twenty five in the greater Los Angeles area. (Sidenote: remember that random 90210 episode during Senior Year when Dylan skips town to “clear his head” and ends up embarking on some faux-mance with Alice Krige? What the hell was that all about?) Anyway, let’s just say I was hooked early. In retrospect, I’m not so sure why. I have Season 1 on DVD and to be honest, it doesn’t get good until La Locklear shows up, but y’all already know that. My point is that MP would have been cancelled within a year and a half if the following characters hand not been introduced: Amanda, Kimberly, and Sydney. Sure Amanda was the bitch on wheels (and heels), Kimberly was a wig-wearing psycho, but Sydney had that rare combination of being wilfully naive and deranged at the same time. I just love her and it’s a shame that she’s not on Desperate Housewives. I haven’t watched that show in years, but I would set a season pass for it tomorrow if she came on as Bree’s sister.
Basically we’re thrown into the middle of the Mancini’s ugly divorce. Michael is with Kimberly, Jane is dating her boring yet mildly attractive attorney and Sydney is playing both sides and working at Shooters. Let me just stop right there: I know that every television show has to have a “main hangout” but it always rang so false to me that Amanda would eat there. And drink. And best Jake at pool. Where did Amanda hang out prior to buying the building? Q’s? The Saddle Ranch Chop House?
Back on track, Sydney attends Michael and Kimberly’s housewarming party at The Beach House (which according to the less than stellar commentary track, is on the Ventura County line) wearing the same outfit that Heather Locklear wears for her cameo in Wayne’s World 2, but in black. Don’t think that I didn’t stop and wonder if HL loaned Laura Leighton that outfit. Seriously, you know she dressed like that when she was married to Tommy Lee. Long story short, Michael and Sydney end up sleeping together, Sydney becomes emotionally attached to Michael, Kimberly flips out, and Michael gets really drunk and proposes to Kimberly minutes before driving his car off the road, setting up one of the greatest plot twists of the series. Honestly, I had no idea that Kimberly would die and then come back from the dead. I was young, the Internet was all about early adopters who used Prodigy, and I had no idea what a spoiler was. I couldn’t even imagine watching television like that today.
Brutally rebuffed by Michael, Sydney takes up high class prostitution like a bored housewife takes up knitting. This was my favorite Sydney storyline because it involved Kristian Alfonso. I was upset when she left Days of Our Lives, but I forgave her for showing up and rocking the hell out of this Heidi Fleiss wannabe-role. It gets better though! One of KA’s clients is Stephen Nichols! He plays a slimy producer (with slicked back hair and glasses) that tries to be Sydney’s first customer. Of course, Sydney freaks out and runs out of his gorgeous, hill top home. I can’t believe she ran away from Patch! Where’s the love?
Sydney snaps out of it however, when left alone to her own devices for the holidays, she accepts Lauren’s invitation to what I like to refer to as “A Whore’s Thanksgiving”. Suddenly she’s like Lauren’s number one girl. No disrespect to Sydney and all, but we only see her with like three or four guys and she’s only a prostitute for a month and a half. Plus, Lauren employs Gina Gershon and Famke Jansen.
Michael, meanwhile, is busy guilt-tripping Matt into changing his blood alcohol levels and trying to reconcile (for some unholy reason) with Jane. Why, Michael, why? Sure the short hair is “edgy” but as David Spade so rightly pointed out in that infamous SNL sketch, Jane “has the worst part on ths show”. Luckily, Sydney realizes that Michael was responsible for the crash and blackmails Michael into marriage, laying the groundwork for the first real catfight of the series, or as I refer to it: “You ruined Grandma’s dress!” Poor Matt has to come home and referee this nonsense (and I do mean nonsense–Jane is wearing clogs–clogs in the pool!). Speaking of Matt, if any of you were wondering, he was also dating some Navy guy on the downlow during all of this, but all they did was hug and he moved away, so that’s all that needs to be said of that.
Next time: Amanda and Jake: First Billy, now Jake, is Amanda afraid of dating guys in her tax bracket or what?
