Just a Simple Girl with a Dream

Sweet Jesus, what the hell was that trainwreck?

(Don’t judge me, I know y’all taped this shit, too.)

First of all, I knew within the initial two minutes that I should probably delete this from my DVR and pretend that it never happened.  Yet, still, I pressed onward.  Let’s be honest, at this point, I have no idea who most of these kids are anyway.  All the cast members I like are delegates to the Republican National Convention and therefore cannot be associated with this show.  With that being said, who planned this?  I could just see the good folks at Bunim/Murray brainstorming this: “all the kids watch that Entourage show now so we’ll rent some house in The Hills and trick it out with all the girls that can’t get into Le Deux”.  And how the hell did Jeffrey Ross end up there?  Come on, isn’t this more of a Dane Cook thing?  Or is Dane Cook too big for this now since he co-stars in movies with Steve Carrell?  Irregardless, this was the most insane disconnect between host and program since my beloved Jack Wagner emceed up the Crowned finale. 

Now I have no clue what’s been going on since San Diego, but I was pleasantly surprised that to learn that apparently there was a roommate named Dunbar.   He could be a huge ass, but that name just kills me.  Dunbar, ha!  Was he acutally at the awards?  I have no idea, I just saw him in one of the clip packages.  Besides, I can’t recognize half the cast members I do know, good luck with the rest of these jokers..  Take Robin, for example.  Doesn’t she look like every girl Jerry Seinfeld has ever dated?  Remember when she was a blonde?  What’s with all the different looks?  Who is she Madonna?  Then there’s Eric Neis, good God Almighty, what happened to him?  Was there anyone that doubted that he would attend this?  At this point, he’ll go wherever he’s invited as long as there’s free food.  In fact, I believe he attended the opening of the newest TJ Maxx in Deltona, Florida last weekend.  Just like Syrus, I couldn’t even recognize Eric at first.  It was like he saw Into the Wild, completely missed the point and thought: “I am really going to rock this mountain man look!”  Also, I must note the I briefly thought Syrus was LL Cool J.  If only.

I’m only like ten minutes into this and I know it’s going to be a long one, so get ready for the bullet points of perplexed mediocrity:

• Best Phone Call Gone Bad: Granted, any part of that magical night in San Diego where both Brad and Robin were thrown in jail is pure gold, but honorable mention should go to Montana.  I wonder, if she would have won, would Vaj have appeared from behind her only to yell “WHORE!” over and over again? 
• Sean and Rachel: I love them.  Rachel, although off-putting to many, was always my girl.  I also really loved Sean in Boston and imagined that my future husband would possess many of the same qualities (accent notwithstanding).  I just can’t believe they have so many kids!  Oh, and I have totally watched all of those AOL Home videos that Rachel made.
• Biggest Playa: Just call me Al Gore because I demand a recount! New Orleans David was robbed!  Why does no one want to be his baby tonight?  And who the hell is Colie?  I really felt sorry for her family.  I wonder if she can list this “award” on her resume.  Who the hell am I kidding?  She’s probably on that bar tour for life.
• Gone Baby Gone: I think Bunim/Murray did themselves a huge disservice by including clips form all 19 seasons because anytime there was a clip pre-Miami, you just realized how good and “real” this show used to be.  (To clarify: Miami was good times, but that was the beginning of the manufactured “let’s get the kids jobs” nonsense.)  Full disclosure: I totally voted for Puck.  I just wanted them to show that clip where they’re all fighting and Puck gets all flustered and says “get off your soapbox, Judd!”
• How old is Nathan?  I think he’s maybe a few years older than me, but he looks like he’s contemporaries with Judd.  Three words: Just for Men.
• Best Couple: Who likes Melinda and Danny?  Anyone?  I see no difference between them and Spencer and Heidi.  Completely insufferable, only I don’t have to see their faces when I’m checking out at the grocery store.
• Steamiest Scene: They should just call this “The reason why none of these people will ever be hired for anything not involving a pole”.  People, there’s been 19 seasons, the hot tub hookup is a little played out by now. 
• This just in: New Balance is sponsoring this.  Well, that’s one less reason for me to buy New Balance from this point moving forward.
• Roommate You Love to Hate: How is it possible that Coral looks younger now than she did in New York?  For real, watching it back in the day, I thought she was in her early to mid thirties.
• Why the hell did New Orleans Matt show up?  To hang with John Brennan, that’s the only thing I can think of.
• The fact that Kevin Powell is running for Congress gives hope that one day CT can run for Interim Tax Collector.
• Best Fight: Watching that clip of the Las Vegas fight, I can hardly believe how stable Brynn turned out to be.  She threw a fork, people.  Now she’s a soccer mom.  By the way, do you think the clip of Kevin’s fight with Julie will hurt his congressional campaign?  I can just see his opponent now: “Back in 1992, he may or may not have thrown a candlestick and…shared a room with Eric Neis.”
• Best Brush with the Law: Robin, what about “Free Brad!” Somewhere Randy must be crying because he treated this award show with “kitten gloves”. 
• The Real World Denver: that was just a cesspool of suck, wasn’t it?
• What’s up with everyone throwing their tacky fishbowl awards in the pool?  I mean, I  know they’re not Oscars, but these kids need to realize that things like that are why they’re not getting into the same clubs as Lauren Conrad.
• Favorite Season: Austin? WTF?  Did Danny and Melinda get one of those automatic vote things that the kids use on American Idol?  I can’t even deal with this.  No wonder Los Angeles Aaron severed ties and cut his losses so many years back.
• Apparently, there is also an “extended version” with thirty minutes of additional footage.  Since I barely could contain the vomit rising in my throat for the ninety minute version, I’ll pass.  Oh and Las Vegas Steven is allegedly married and expecting a child.  I hope that kid never buys the Las Vegas season DVD.  I figure Trishelle is something that needs to be explained but probably not until the kid is in his early forties.