Could Elizabeth please be more of a mess? Calamities just befall her all the time, or to be more specific, in February, May and November. She has a car accident like every other week. Forget Britney Spears, Liz Webber shouldn’t be behind the wheel ever. Of course, how convenient it is that Jason “just happens” to be in the area. What am I even talking about? Jason is ever present, looking out for all the good woment of Port Charles with dark hair under 5′3″. Even more convenient that they “just happen” to come upon an abandoned cottage in the woods in the middle of a rainstorm. What is this? Goldimobster and the Three Bears? This being Jason Morgan, however, I’m sure the Three Bears would just roll over and hand over the keys to the cottage and a one year, no interest mortgage.
I guess the rain brings out the animal lust in mafiosos, as Sonny’s busy hooking up with Carly in a limo while Johnny charms Lulu in what looks to be Alexis Carrington’s old art studio loft from Dynasty. It’s an intersesting contrast since Johnny and Lulu are clearly Sonny and Carly 2: Electric Bugaloo. Sure Johnny’s hot now with his John Black meets Cosmo Kramer hair, but sooner or later he’s going to be mumbling and throwing martini glasses at you while he’s shouting “whore!” over and over again like he’s Montana’s ex-boyfriend, Vaj. Plus, Lulu is Lulu, my all time least favorite character on this show, not named Leyla. No matter how much the writers try to shove it down our throats, Lulu is not the most beautiful girl in Port Charles who all men want and all women aspire to be. She’s rude and she’s screechy and she dresses horribly despite working at a third rate fashion magazine.
Do you know who I really feel sorry for? Sam. Yeah, I know she witnessed the whole Jake-napping and she’s a drunken loose cannon, but we never see her anymore, she’s got a bad hip and Lucky breaks his plans with her to babysit Jake, while The Lovahs traipse around in the rain. Does she still have her awesome Dream Apartment? Does she drown her sorrows in martinis while she’s chilling in her Cameron-approved hot tub?
At least she’s not as bad off as Claudia. You know I severly dislike her, but even I wouldn’t wish the horrors of Castle Greyskull Wyndemere on her. Not only was she stabbed and left for dead, but she’s being tended to by a 200-year-old butler and a prince recently recovered from life-saving brain surgery. Are they really going to go there with this Nik and Claudia romance? Naudia? Horrible. I liked him with Nadine. Sure she’s chipper, but I see them as a good balance of light and dark like Len Goodman always talks about on Dancing with the Stars. With Claudia, I can just see it being endless rounds of “My family is more Gothic and incestuous” than yours. Pass.
