I’ve never read Harry Potter but I read enough Wikipedia articles that I can bluff my way in and out of a short coversation. Why would I even bother, you may ask? Because it’s all part of my seemingly obtainable goal of knowing a little bit about everything, which would invariably bring me one step closer to world domination. Thus, when I heard all the buzz about The Twilight novels I read everything on Entertainment Weekly and poured over Wikipedia. The fourth book in the series, Breaking Dawn, was realeased at Midnight on August 2nd and, let’s be honest, I’m not sure if that was the most anticipated arrival of this weekend or if it was just slightly edged out by the Brangelina Twin photos. My vote: after showing up at Borders this morning and reading Breaking Dawn’s epilogue…after not reading a single one of the three preceding books, mind you…I’m giving my backing to the Twin Photos.
Later, I went online to read actual fan reviews. Apparently, if the boards at Amazon.com are any indication, there a lot of unhappy readers out there. I’m not going to spoil anything but I will say that I’ve been turned off ever reading the books. Sure, I’ll probably see the movie because vampires are sexy, but I’ll continue reading Bret Easton Ellis by the pool, thank you very much. Anyway, all the negative fan reviews gave me a great idea: I’m going to write a series of young adult novels about sexy vampires and the ingenues that love them, but I’m going to use Breaking Dawn as a template for what not to do. I mean, I kind of already do that with my General Hospital posts. Just find/replace “vampire” with “mobster” and there you go. I always got a Lestat/Louis vibe from Sonny and Jason, Lulu obviously equals Claudia, throw in the Zaccharas as those Crazy Eurotrash vamps and you have Interview with the Vampire for the Soap set.
Back to my young adult novels: I’m thinking they should be set in Florida and the vampires are able to disguise their real identies by constantly getting spray tans. Come on, that’s genius! The song “Cry Little Sister” from The Lost Boys movie will figure prominently, since a) that song is awesome and b) is to teen vampire movies as ”How Soon is Now” is to teen witches. Throw in some twins a la Sweet Valley High and maybe a younger sister that runs a baby-sitting club or an English exchange student that happens to come from a long line of wizards and I’m looking at a hefty advance and a Newberry Award.
