Just a Simple Girl with a Dream

In the spirit of full disclosure, I am much more interested in the behind the scenes gossip at 90210 than I am in any of the actual plotlines.  Just think: if this show manages to find a following (and that’s a mighty big “if”) we could be treated to “I Hate Annie” blogs.  What am I talking about?  Like Shenae Grimes could pull half of the stunts Shannen did in her prime.  While Annie is super annoying, I really don’t see Shenae breaking up with her boyfriend in Maui and then smashing an expensive crystal dolphin figurine just to spite him.  Come to think of it, I really don’t see Shenae starring in a show that makes it past the 13-episode mark, so there you go.

Speaking of the show, what’s up with all the shorts?  I know it’s LA and all, but California is deceptively cold, especially at night.  I mean Naomi practically lives in shorts, even better if they’re modified denim jumpers.  Even Brenda was in on the act in her cut-off jorts.  Seriously, was Brenda in London all of those years or Gainesville, Florida?  Sartorial choices aside, plot contrivances demanded that Brenda replace Lucille Bluth as director of Spring Awakening, thereby chatting it up with Ryan Matthews and then, after 39 minutes of “he”,”him”,and “my ex”, revealed that Dylan is Sammy’s father.  Great.  I’m really glad they got ShannDo to play the role of Maury Povich.  No wonder she didn’t sign for any additional episodes.  After paternity reveals, it’s all about teens that are all that and can only be rehabilitated by boot camp and we don’t need to see that.

While we’re on the topic of Brenda, my favorite part of the episode was her reminiscing with Kelly about high school days in the cafeteria.  Of course they’re going to bring up the whole “Donna Martin Graduates” debacle, but I think it would have been more satisfying if Kelly said “hey remember our Senior Breakfast when it was all about the eight of us even though we graduated in a class of 300 people?” To which Brenda would follow up with “and we sang that embarassing song about my brother and all the random extras he hit?”  Yeah.  The best part was when Brenda asked Kelly if she would go see her play and Kelly obliged.  I think it would have been more in character, however, if Kel had retorted “sure, I’ll see your play.  I’ll bring Steve Sanders and then we’ll tell everyone that will listen how you only got the part because you slept with the Eurotrash director.”

In case you were left wondering, Dylan grew up and assumed his rightful destiny as Jack McKay 2.0, although instead of seducing women and living it up in hotels, he’s an alleged globetrotting “do-gooder”.  As if.  Well it might make some sense.  Dylan has more money than God, his mother’s a New Age quack, and can’t you picture him in developing countries wearing bad hats and doing charity work like Brad Pitt?  Maybe (and this is a big “maybe”) if the show finds a following, Luke Perry could be lured on, reunite with Sammy, take him to his rented boat in the Marina and warble “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” only to get blown up in his car the next morning by Tony Marchette’s business associates.   Then Jason Priestley can come back, marry Kelly, adopt Sammy and they can all move back into the Walsh house.  Honestly, the CW can just hire me now.  I have at least three seasons’ worth of ideas.

Back to actual plotlines: so Naomi’s father’s mistress just moved to Los Angeles and took a job at a boutique?  Do you think this is that boutique that Donna owns?  Did anyone find it telling that Kelly and Brenda spoke of “Donna’s baby” and not “Donna and David’s baby?”  Do you think they divorced?  Maybe Mel and David share some sort of bachelor’s dream condo in Santa Monica overlooking the ocean.  David sits on the balcony composing raps over dope beats, while Mel thinks about the good old days when he was banging his dental assistants and serving champagne to minors on Prom Night.

Let’s face it: I only care about the adults on this show.  I spent a good twenty minutes wishing Rob Estes was my boyfriend.  (The other twenty two minutes was spent wishing that he was on a better show.)  And where was Lady Mossimo in this episode?  Not that I enjoy her character, but shouldn’t she developing some Kirsten Cohen-esque alcohol dependency or something?  Maybe when Silk Stalkings has the inevitable quasi-affair with Naomi’s mother and/or tries to search for their long ago adopted child, Lady Mossimo will become interesting (and by “interesting” I mean “having her own affair at the Bel Age hotel”).

One more for the road: how annoyed are you all by Annie’s “contorting” during the Spring Awakening rehearsals? I haven’t seen anyone sing and dance so simultaneously awkward and desperate since Jessica Simpson’s New York press tour last week.  Although is that really more annoying than Naomi’s inability to stand up straight?  I’m torn.