Okay, I don’t want to sound like a certain VP candidate from the 49th State, but is Spring Awakening appropriate for a high school play? I’m not being prudish and I know this is Beverly Hills, but…still…it just seems so wrong! I’m scared that if this trend continues, my future son will be performing the role of Ari Gold in a wildly inappropriate adaptation of Entourage.
Now I’m not against sex, drugs, and rock and roll in my teen shows, on the contrary, I champion it. Let’s face it: this incarnation of 90210 is a little boring. Not that the first few episodes of the Original were anything to write home about, I mean not every show can come out straight out the gate like The OC, but the show needs to pick up the pace if it’s going to compete with Gossip Girl. So far the most scandalous thing that happened was…what? Naomi’s parents bizarre, Bret Easton Ellis-inspired open marriage? Ethan’s before school blow job? Rob Estes playing the father role when clearly he is the hottest guy on the show? (Someone please resurrect Silk Stalkings stat!) It’s like the showrunners woke up and said “something needs to happen. Let’s throw in a girl on drugs, teen almost-sex in a fancy hotel room, and Brenda Walsh being fierce.
Oh Brenda, I’m going to miss you. Seriously, once she and Kelly ride off into the Sunset (Boulevard) we’re going to be stuck with Lady Mossimo and her bogus sex talks and a bunch of teenagers I don’t care for. I know she said no, but I wish Tiffani Thiessen would reconsider coming back. Granted, she never attend West Bev, but certainly she could smoke pot with the kids. Back to Brenda, what was up withthat strapless pocket dress? Color me nostalgic, but I want my Brenda in fade, high wasted jeans and leather jacket. I also want her to throw down with Kelly. I mean didn’t they have it out over Dylan last week and now they’re friends again? What are they? Adults? Adult conversations don’t equal ratings, y’all.
Speaking of America’s Favorite Guidance Counselor, what exactly do you think she’ll say to Adriana on Monday? “So you’re using drugs? I understand completely. My mother is an addict. My step brother briefly flirted with drugs, donned questionable head-ware and lost Silver at the playground. My ex-boyfriend got me addicted to coke and I ran around wearing black nail polish. The father of my child did so many drugs it’s a surprise no one’s found him dead in a bathtub in Paris yet.” Poor Adriana. She’ll either be dead in two episodes or a Series Regular.
What is the deal with Adriana anyways? She was on TV and then she grew up, developed into a Haley Joel Osment awkward stage and now she’s slumming it in high school plays? I love how deliciously bitchy she is. I’m sorry, but that whole bit with the towel and the champagne at the hotel was vintage Sydney Andrews. Honestly, can’t you just picture Kimberly (or Jane, depending on the Season) strutting up to the beach house to reconcile with Michael and Sydney opens the door wearing a man’s button down shirt? Adriana is everything Naomi isn’t but should be: vulnerable, bitchy, evil, drug-addicted, and entertaining. I just look at Naomi and I think “fashion victim who is probably a virgin”. (Not that there is anything wrong with being a virgin, but Naomi’s talking way too big of a game not to be one.) Besides, that explains Ethan’s foray into extracurricular blow jobs. I expect that to be reveled in a very special episode taking place in November.
Now on to far more serious topics: I no longer live in LA, but do people still go to The Roosevelt? I think JMTIV saw Kim Zimmer there during Emmy Week, but would a bunch of 16 year olds really take over the hotel (I know money talks and everything but these kids are rich, not famous)? Between this and Lucky Strike, I have a feeling the kids will be going to that “hot club” The Viper Room in a future episode.
Apparently, you also can’t swim in the Roosevelt pool after hours anymore. Yet another fallacy foisted upon us.
Seriously, this show is awful. Let ‘em ride out their full season order and then let’s be done with this fuckery.
Dylan is never coming back, when Brenda does it’ll be lame, and when you are praying for a character to overdose just so you get some jollies, you know there’s a problem.
I gotta go hit up a trendy new restaurant. It’s called Denny’s.
I do hope that when guidance counselor Kelly gives the hard drug lecture it includes something to the effect of: “And if I learned one thing about coke, it is that the best shit is in Torrance. Ask my artist ex. He once used me as human collateral when he went there on a run. So, clearly, I am way more hard-core than you. Put down the Robitussin, pound a sugar-free Rockstar, and get to your damn audition! I mean, fuck. I wasn’t this much of a whiner when I was a teen model. I’m sorry your mommy looks like Dina Lohan, but we all have to pay the mortgage for our mom every now and then. Get out of my office.”
Dennys? I still go IHOP…I believe you know the one, right on Sunset Blvd.
Nice dialogue for Kelly, but I will ammend it to add the following “Speaking of paying the mortgages, did your mother ever lock you out of the house while she was sleeping with some old dude for cash and coke, forcing you to crawl in through the doggie door in a bodysuit and wide-legged pants? No, I didn’t think so. Now get the Hell out of my office. “