So 90210sucks but I’ve set a season pass for it and continue to blog about it. At the most, I know now that Donna has a baby, Brenda is a somewhat successful actress with a T-Mobile cell phone plan, Kelly and Dylan conceived a child, and Brandon apparently is in Belize and has a family. On the adult front, Jackie’s bottomed out, Mel is most likely on his sixth marriage and Nat cashed in his nouveau-Johnny Rockets’ decor and turned The Peach Pit into a modified Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. At the very least, I’m stuck watching Naomi skulk around, trying to bring her parents back together. I’m sorry, but does anyone else look at Naomi’s parents and think “Cinemax Late Night Soft Core Porn Anthology Series?” Honestly, I keep expecting David Duchovny to walk into frame as Jake, the pensive host of the Red Shoe Diaries, you know, back when he just played a sex addict, as opposed to living the dream.
Tonight’s episode was all over the map and most likely the last for any character that I truly care about. “Dylan” called Brenda but spoke to Kelly and, in order to usher Ms. Garth off the show and most likely into the audience of the Dancing with the Stars Results show, invited her and Sammy to spend time with him in Wyoming. Of course, this prompts some anticlimactic come to Jesus talk between Brenda and Kelly, while I just sat there, wide-eyed thinking: “you graduated 15 years ago and you’re still fighting over Dylan? You live in Beverly Hills; guys that look like James Dean are a dime a dozen (and more often than not, stand in front of the Chinese Theater on Hollywood Boulevard between a Marilyn impersonator and some old guy dressed as Gandolf). Let it go, girls, let it go. Here was my second thought: what is Dylan doing in Wyoming? The whole thing makes me remember that episode where Dylan wandered off and took up with Alice Krige on a horse farm. Or maybe Dylan’s bought an entire town like he’s Bruce and Demi. Who knows? But what is Kelly going to do in Wyoming? Something tells me that she can’t live that far away from Saks and Mr. Chow.
Sadly Brenda is also leaving, which most likely means, that JMTIV will probably be the only person besides myself that will continue to watch this crap after this episode. (BTW, you have to keep watching…who else is going to call me late at night and sing “Mama who Bore Me” into my voicemail?) Brenda’s departure is a little more ambiguous. She’s allegedly going to visit Brandon, but she also deleted Dylan’s number from her phone (burn!) and then left the lamest fashion show ever with Edward Norton’s scruffy brother Ryan (I think that’s his name. I just refer to him as “Hottie Teacher”.) So what do we think? Did Brenda sleep with Ryan to get revenge on Kelly? I don’t know; I didn’t think Bren was much into younger guys; remember when Cindy forced her to go out with that nerdy kid from the Princeton Academy (”shaping boys into men?”)
In a totally unrelated and completely superfluous storyline, Lady Mossimo is now a top fashion photographer who runs around in cobalt asymmetrical dresses at fashion shows where everyone sports Velma Kelly wigs. I swear, this made The OC’s Fashion Island Fund Raiser (in the Pilot, no less) look like an early Nineties Gianni Versace spectacular. I was really disappointed that Brenda neglected to tell Ryan about her very own high school fashion show experience. I think it would go like this: “Remember how I told you that Kelly was a total slut in high school? Well her mom was way worse; got really coked up and started to berate my mother and I as we walked down the runway with our 35 year old newspaper editor. ”
Speaking of Jackie and her modeling days, is that why Silver objects to the Industry’s standard of beauty and what it does to women despite the fact that she weighs less than Kate Moss? When that creepy guy was hitting on her I kept expecting her to bust out with “oh yeah I could be a model. My mother was the Farley Girl and actually supported herself for a few years before becoming the Queen of Alimony. Then there’s my sister. You might recognize her from Seventeen Magazine. That worked out well for her; she was horribly burned in a fire, joined a cult and then chose herself.”
Is this Ty’s last episode too? Not that I liked him, or respected him as a character, but that had to have been the worst written breakup of all time. Annie: “I’m just a small town girl with perfect hair who can’t be bothered to have sexy times in the big city.” Ty: “I’m a major player who practically has a line of condoms named after me, but it’s okay. Let’s shake on it.”
Now for my favorite new character: Adriana! So is she prostituting herself for drugs now? If so, that’s awesome! (Disclaimer: not that I advocate prostituting one’s self for drugs; if you can’t pay for them in cash, don’t use your body. It has a worse interest rate than an airline credit card.) I mean, that’s soapy, right? I know we’re heading for the proverbial overdose, but people don’t watch shows about rich kids to see them get their crazy-eyed parents back together; we want to see them crash and burn. Hell, Bret Easton Ellis made a fortune on that premise. In fact, I want to see a scene next week reminiscent of Robert Downey Jr. as Julian in Less than Zero telling his dealer, Rip (played by the ever hot James Spader) that he’s done with the drugs and the pimping. But then Rip tells Julian he’s his best boy while Andrew McCarthy (in his hottest role ever) looks on forlorn.
