Just a Simple Girl with a Dream

The best show on television has just returned.

That’s right, put on your pantyhose and grab your hot pants, it’s time for the return of (the sadly Emmy-not nominated) Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team!

Even though in reality we’re into October, we begin this season last spring, where hundreds of hopefuls congregate in the parking lot of Texas Stadium for the world’s prettiest tailgate DCC Auditions.  In an interview, Kelli explains that this is the first day of tryouts and they will begin selecting this year’s squad.  I wanted to point out that when watching this opener, the show seems even more scripted and rehearsed than normal (I know, it seems impossible, but it just does!).  Honestly, I’m afraid that by the time Training Camp rolls around, it will be less real than The Hills and Judy’s nail polish will change color ever other shot.  I also wouldn’t put it past Brody Jenner to appear at some point in his quest for total Reality Show Domination.

As usual, we some familiar faces of girls that tried out last year but ultimately did not make the cut.  I see Candace Cook looking pretty much the same but Alexandra Benvenuto really picked it up this year.  Her hair looks great and she seems to be in better shape and we all know how much Kelli appreciates it when girls get makeovers.   There’s also lot of Juicy and faux-Juicy tracksuits and designer handbags that may or may not be fakes.  In fact, I spend more of my time wondering if the bags are real than writing down names of the new girls.  I snap out of my fake bag haze long enough to realize that a mother and daughter are auditioning together, and the mother seems way more into it than her daughter.  (Honestly, the mother has her bikini top hanging out of her tracksuit top, she’s loaded up with bright green eyeshadow and she dominates the interview portion.)  I love my mom but I can’t even imagine cheering next to her on the sidelines of Texas Stadium while a bored Jessica Simpson looks on.

A friendly security guard opens the doors and the hopefuls rush in to get their numbers.  Kelli interviews that the girls don’t know this, but the number can change their lives as this is how they will be identified throughout the audition process.  So in essence it’s kind of like going to prison. 

In our first “Meet the Cheerleader” segment, we are introduced to Jennifer who comes from Eugene Oregon and used to compete in barrel races.  Now she wants to break into professional cheerleading.  Well, she already looks more natural in a cowboy hat than Jessica Simpson, so I’ll give her that. 

Back at Auditions, Kelli briefs the Judges.  The panel includes sponsors, the team photographer, my favorite stylist, Michael Hutchence, and unfortunately Fitness Trainer, Jay Johnson.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Jay brings the show down and would it kill him to wear something that wasn’t Under Armour?  Kelli explains that the judges will be grading the girls using a “yes”, “no” or “maybe” scale.  Remember this, because we’ll be seeing plenty of scoring sheets throughout the episode.  It kind of reminds me of those old E! Oscar Specials where they used to show a “secret Academy Member” filling out their ballot for the select categories.

The hopefuls filter into the stands at Texas Stadium and take a seat as they wait for Auditions to begin.  Suddenly we hear a huge round of applause as a pair of legs stride across the field.  Thus begins the “It’s all about Kelli!” portion of the show.  Cowboys VP Charlotte Jones Anderson interviews that Kelli has been part of the Organization for over 20 years and is “very honest” among other things.  For some reason, the “very honest” comment makes me giggle.  Not that I don’t think that Kelli is honest, it just seems like something your mom’s friend writes about you in one of those recommedation letters for Sorority Rush, you know “Kelli is very honest and would make a great addition to Delta Gamma.  P.S. She has great hair! xoxo!”

Enough about that, let the dancing begin!  The freestyle round commences when the judges watch groups of five, shake it, bust splits, and break it down in varying degrees of frightening dancewear.  Kelli says the key to this round is to be noticed.  Multiply that times three because we have a set of triplets in the house!  We segue into a “Meet the Triplets” piece wherein The Hoffman Triplets lounge around by the pool and then choreograph routines in their family’s living room.  Doesn’t it seem like every girl on this show has a really nice home (and a pool)?  I also want to know what happens when they film these segments.  I can just see an Assistant Producer showing up with a cameraman and being all “oh you have a pool?  Quickly go get in your bikinis and we’ll shoot a couple shots of you talking unnaturally in your lounge chairs.  And you all have degrees in dance?  Well, let’s move the couch and start doing some turns and kicks.  It’s going to look great on TV!”  Kelli points out that the Triplets will be judged as individuals, which makes sense.  I wonder what kind of cache it would bring the DCC to have triplets on a team.  I know that the Texans had a pair of twins but they made them pose together in the “individual” picture on the team website.  Since the girls are identical except for bang placement, I also wonder how Kelli and Michael Hutchence would attempt to make them over.

Now we move on to arguably the funniest segment: the bad dancing montage!  I swear, do some of these girls do this on a dare or are they deluded enough to think that you can get up there with frizzy hair, long bike shorts, and mad running man skillz and think Kelli’s going to hand you a uniform?  It’s like going on The Amazing Race without knowing how to drive a stick shift.  It’s not going to happen. 

Our next Hopeful Profile is Crystal, whose sister, Tricia, has been on the squad for three years.  Legacy! There’s something about Crystal that reminds me of a young Lisa Rinna, back when she was Billie on Days, before she married Harry Hamlin, jumped ship to Melrose Place and went overboard with the lips.  She is also wearing a Victoria’s Secret bikini top that I thought about purchasing (the white one with the gold stars, for all you catalog readers at home).

Speaking of Legacies, Judy’s daughter, Cassie is trying out this year.  Judy interviews that her daughter has “been around the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders since she was born” while we see pictures of a young Cassie in various DCC costumes posing with the team.  What I find interesting is that Cassie is apparently a “real” cheerleader (of the stunting variety) as opposed to a “professional NFL Cheerleader” (of the dancing variety).  Cassie says that she gets nervous dancing in front of her mother.  No kidding.  Judy tells her that she needs to smile more and I agree.  Both mother and daughter look so nervous the entire time Cassie auditions.  Hell, I’m even nervous, depsite knowing neither of them and the outcome of the audition process.

It’s time for deliberations.  For some reason, we only get to see Kelli, Judy, and and Charlotte.  I’m bummed that Michael Hutchence is nowhere in site but psyched that Jay has disappreared as well.  After some discussion, Kelli begins writing numbers down on a dry erase board…wait…doesn’t she have assistants for that?

Back in the parking lot, the kindly security guard from earlier wheels in the Dry Erase Board of Broken Dreams.  Some girls are overjoyed that they are advancing while other others cry in disappointment.  Mother and Daughter do not make the cut, but both promise to be back (and I’ll be watching).

Day 2 begins and we meet up with Brittany, one of the girls cut from trainig camp last year.  Remember? The one who showed up to her wardrobe fitting late with no make up because she has a job working with children?  Well she’s back.  But maybe not better than ever.

The Hopefuls gather on the field as Judy and Company teaches them the routine they will perform in small groups later in the day.  The choreography is fast and some of the girls are having trouble keeping up.  Judy tells them that if they forget the routine, just to smile and do something.  (Don’t worry, they’ll still freeze anyway).  Then comes the kickline.  The kickline kills potential Hopefuls every year.  Although, we learned last year that if you’re pretty with long blonde hair, you can still make the squad despite having subpar kicking ability. 

The dancing begins and we see a few groups of girls as Britney’s “Piece of Me” plays.  I’m glad that CMT got the right to more songs this year, but I’m afraid we’ll be hearing this ad nauseum this season.  In other news, two former DCCs who were not on the squad last year (Kristin and Carrie) are trying out again but both seem to falter somewhat during the routine.  Cassie has a problem too, and makes the mistake of freaking out and looking at her mom.  Poor Judy looks like she’s going to have a meltdown.  And then the kickline rears it’s ugly head.  Cathie, a hopeful, interviews that she can “talk so highly about her kicks” and that she can kick her forehead with her leg.  Wow.  And why would you do that?

Back in the Judges’ Chambers, all of the Judges are present (yay Michael Hutchence!) as Kelli calls out names and the judges vote with a show of hands.  Why a show of hands?  Why not “yay” or “nay” or a red and green paddles?  Mix it up.  Make it interesting.  Maybe extinguish some tiki torches.  Anything.

For the final act, Kelli, Judy and Charlotte walk out to announce the Finalists. Holy Juniors Fashion, Batman!  Charlotte is wearing a short, ruffled black skirt.  Why?  And is Charlotte going to have a larger presence in this season?  I’m way too distracted by this ensemble to even note which girls are being called up.  I snap out of it when I realize that Cassie’s name is called.  Both mother and daughter tear up.  Judy recounts that Cassie texted her with “I’m sorry, Mom” after her performance and even I get a little misty.  I know I tease, but I have a soft spot for Judy.  Remember how sweet she was with Julia 2.0 last season?  Crystal, Kristin and Carrie are called.  The other featured girls look heartbroken.  Finally, the last name is called and it belongs to Alex.  The Triplets, Candace Cook, and Brittany are out.  I guess that makes two Brittanys (or Britneys) who didn’t come back this year.

Next week: The vets return to fight for their spots; crazy solo dances; and the interviews!