We begin with America’s answer to Simon Cowell, Kitty Carter, proprietor of Kitty Carter’s Dance Factory. Over the past three seasons I wonder if her studio was every called “K&C Dance Factory” with the motto “Gonna Make You Sweat” written on all the ads in the Yellow Pages. I’m guessing not. Some of the Finalists and Veterans have gathered together to go over their final routines. You know what that means: a lot of sass and sadly, a lot of really bad outfits held together by sequins and tulle. It’s like a super condensed version of Dancing with the Stars, only with worse dancing.
Kitty singles out Cathie by referring to her as “Pink Sweater” and tells her that she looks like she has a “turtle head”. Um, okay. The sad thing is that I’m sure that all of these girls have paid lots of money to be subjected to this. See, if I’m going to drop lots of money on a one-time dance clinic, I’ll at least wear a name tag so no one calls me “lime green tank top” or something ridiculous like that. Cassie, Judy’s daughter, is also in the class, and interviews that Kitty “has an eye for what she does”. And a mouth, I would like to add. Tia, whose haircut annoyed me all last season, says that she loves Kitty’s criticism because she’s brutally honest yet hates it because she’s brutally honest. Oh what a catch-22!
This week’s Meet the Cheerleader segment focuses on Alyssa who is of Thai descent and used to watch Dallas games with her father. She grew up with the idea that DCCs were blonde and blue-eyed and she wants to show little girls that you don’t have to look a certain way to be All-American and make the squad. That’s a nice sentiment that not all cheerleaders need to have the same hair and eye color, but let’s be honest: they all still have to be pretty and toned. They’re never going to get a heavyset, unattractive girl in that uniform. Look, I’m like Kitty Carter, I was just brutally honest! Love me. Hate me. Anyway, Alyssa apparently lives with two tall blondes or at least works out with them in her living room and then makes them dessert. The blondes are never identified so I don’t know if they a) are her roommates, b) candidates to fill the Bridget and Kendra roles on The Girls Next Doorc) also DCC finalists or d) random people off the street the producers picked to be in this segment. Sadly, this is only the first of my many questions in this episode.
Back at K & C Dance Factory, Alissa practices her final routine and wears some animal print bra top and poofed-out black tutu. To say that I don’t get that outfit is an understatement, but there’s not many final routine outfits I do understand sadly. Some blonde girl wears a black vest over a red sequin bra with pleather hot pants and sparkly fishnet stockings. This prompts the “if you’re going to wear something that sexy, then it better be provocative” quote from Kitty, something I heard from my mother time and time again growing up. Another girl is doing some bizarre split in the air while her stomach is on the floor thing that kind of freaks me out. Amazingly, Kitty allows her to keep this choreography in. Pink Sweater, aka Cathie, disappoints Kitty with her routine and “had every excuse in the world” about not performing well. Don’t quote me, but I think this is the same girl last week who was so high on herself about her kicks. I agree with Kitty, I’m not impressed. The only girls that do impress us (see, Kitty and I are “us” now) are the Veterans. Megan Sharp, who had a tough time in Training Camp last season is apparently a “rock star” according to Kitty. I’m not sure about that since Megan is dressed less like Axl Rose and more like a sexed up Tin Man with fishnet gloves. Honestly, what is with the fishnet tonight? I don’t see how fishnet fits the traditional image of “America’s Sweethearts” which is probably why my ass is at home writing this and not in Training Camp.
It’s time for Panel Interviews. I had such high hopes for this portion since in the past, Panel Interviews have given us such gyms as “If I only had a few moments to live I wouldn’t call my family, friends, or boyfriend, but Miss United States” and that perennial Presidential Candidate bringing both parties together “Condoleeza Jones“. Sadly, the most interesting thing about tonight’s interviews is that Judy is wearing a wrap dress that I really like. Outside the conference room, one of Kelli’s assistants tries to calm the girls down and gives them advice like “be yourself” and “don’t say ‘um’”. I decide at this point to try to count exactly how many times ‘um’ is uttered in this sequence before my head explodes.
Once inside, Charlotte, who is quickly becoming the frontrunner for Outstanding Supporting Character in a Reality Show about Cheerleaders, asks the girls what they would do if Tony Romo asked them out. Now, I know that as DCCs, the girls are not supposed to associate with players in anyway, but what if Tony Romo really wanted to stick it to Joe Simpson and started asking out Cheerleaders? What if he threatened not to play unless he could take a DCC to Outback Steakhouse? Would anyone say no to him? Would Carrie Underwood say something snarky to press about it? We spend way too much time answering this question (we hear from at least three different girls) and yet I’m way more invested in the scenario I just envisioned.
Charlotte next asks one of the girls if she knows if there is an “S” at the end of Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. I’m sorry, what? Even more astonishing is the fact that even though Charlotte clearly just said “Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders” the girl she’s directing the question to replies that there isn’t one. Then, in a lesson straight out of first grade, Charlotte explains that Cowboys is plural meaning that they are a team of Cowboys and not just one Cowboy. I guess this means that it’s not the Miami Dolphin and Oakland Raider or the New York Yankee.
Moving on from the grammar lesson, Kelli auditions for the part of Christopher Meloni’s new partner on Law & Order: SVU as she holds up what’s presumably a blown up MySpace photo of Whitney that looks very un-Sweetheart like. Whitney is rightfully embarrassed and stammers an answer and my “um” count goes out the window. Kelli explains that a photograph can be deadly to the applicants’ chances, however I counter that with the poor USC Song Girl who cheered for Texas in the Rose Bowl. Look how much mileage she got out of that one. I guess the important thing here though is to always set your MySpace and Facebook profiles to Private, which is probably one of the only life lessons you can actually take from this show and use in the real world.
When Alex’s group comes in for their interviews, Kelli says that she’s been doing really well so far, which means that she’s not going to go any further. Kelli asks Alex if she’s ever had any problems with the law and I wonder where this is going because I notice that we haven’t heard this question asked before. Alex replies that she had a “speeding problem” when she was younger, but I don’t think Kelli would withhold a uniform just for speeding tickets. Kelli continues that when she was doing Alex’s background check, thinks kept popping up that “couldn’t be ignored”. Yet, we never learn what they are. See, it’s these hanging questions that get me every time. I get that they are trying to protect her privacy but the only evidence we have to go on is Alex’s own admission that she’s an aggressive driver.
Moving on, Judy excuses herself when Cassie’s group comes in. Now, I understand that Cassie is the Judy’s daughter, but you should see how Charlotte and Kelli’s faces light up when she enters the room. I almost feel like everyone should have been excused and Cassie should have just been interviewed by Katie Couric. Honestly, is there no one who doesn’t think that Cassie’s going to be on the team? By the way, I’m still really upset that the worst thing that’s happened in this entire interview segment was a lesson on plurality and not-too-terrible MySpace photos. I don’t think I’ve been this disappointed that something hasn’t turned out to be a complete trainwreck since the VP Debate a few weeks back.
Finally, the last day of Tryouts commences. The Veterans arrive and start giving interviews about how one of the new girls could take their spot. You know what that means: foreshadowing! Judy interviews that the girls try to out-do one another with their “flashy” outfits. Oh they’re flashy, I’ll give them that. I spy bad leopard print, more sequins and beads than in Mood Fabrics, and two nearly identical sexy candy striper outfits. It’s like Halloween only on Crack and sponsored by fringe. Kelli takes her seat at the Judges Table and says “let’s get this party started!” to which Judy then pipes in with “Quickly!” For some reason, the editors have decided to play “Life is a Highway” over a montage of the solo dances even though I’m sure that a good portion of these routines are set to dance or hiphop music, but whatever. I totally think that I see Lisa Rinna in there and then I realize that it’s actually Crystal. Honestly, I keep expecting her to bust out with something along the lines of “Bo, I know you love me but you need to feed out if Gina is really Hope for Shawn-D’s sake”. Judy explains that a lot of girls will bring props to camouflage the fact that they’re not great dancers as we’re treated to a girl roller skating (???), a girl carrying a giant lollipop, and another girl carting around a cart full of candy…before it all comes stumbling apart. According to Kelli, some of the Veterans weren’t wowing the judges with their routines and while we only see a few seconds worth, I don’t think that some of these girls will be reclaiming their uniforms. I mean, it looked like one of the Vets just flopped on the floor like a drunken Uncle guy at a wedding.
Next, the girls change into matching blue outfits and perform a short routine and the kickline. I notice that all the judges seem to be drinking out of bright purple Bed Head cups but they also have rhinestones on them so they look more like Pimp Cups than anything else. I would also like to point out that Judy starts in with the company line about flexibility and the high kicks even though I saw The Rockettes perform on Dancing with the Stars the other night and even they didn’t kick like that. Just something for everyone to mull over.
In their chambers, the Judges deliberate on each of the girls. It goes like this: Kelli names off a girl and then the judges raise their hand if they think she should move on. Some girls receive solid marks across the board like Veteran Nicole while others get more mixed results like Alyssa. Kelli interviews that if the judges seem divided on a candidate, she likes to hear the differing opinions. One of the judges has a problem with one of the girl’s hair and Kelly voiceovers that she can fix hair, tans and makeup. It’s like a regular My Fair Lady up at Valley Ranch. From the way it looks on TV, Alex gets yes votes from everyone but Kelli and Judy. Interesting. Or maybe it’s just creative editing.
Afterwards, Kelli, Judy and Charlotte walk out with the names of the 45 girls invited in to Training Camp. Kelli begins calling out girls to walk up to the front of the stage: Justine is in, Lisa Rinna is in, Megan Sharpe is back, Cathie is in. Kelli announces that she has five names left and there are about five Vets left in the audience. To no one’s shock, Cassie is in. Three more names are called and then last, but not least, Alyssa. Five Veterans are left and the the tears begin. Leah, one of the Vets who didn’t make it, seems to be taking it better than some of her friends who did re-make the squad. The episode ends with the girls invited into Camp posing for a picture while Kelli comments that this could be one of the best squads she’s ever had.
Next time: Training Camp (and most likely Boot Camp) begins, body fat testing begins and Kelli tells the Vets that they could be cut just like the Rookies.
[...] “The Blending of the Waters” or Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team, Season 3, Episode 3 Last week: Kitty Carter showed up in all of her glory, to the shock of absolutely no one, Judy’… [...]