Tonight we begin at Hidden Valley Forge Ranch. Dressed in business/church wear, the Veterans and Rookies intermingle in a large, auditorium-style classroom. Each girl has a card with her name on it in front of her and the ubiquitous blue DCC binder that I am sure explains all the rules and regulations of being on the squad as well as a few select quizzes from Cosmo. Kelli sits in front of the class behind a podium. If I didn’t know better, I would say that this scene looks like something you would find in an all-women’s college, except that there are giant posters of hot pants-clad cheerleaders on the wall.
Kelli opens by saying that there are 45 women assembled but by the end of Camp, only 36 will take the field. Judy will critique them in their dancing each night so if they don’t practice their routines, they might as well not show up. Then it’s time for introductions. Each girl has to stand up and say where they’re from. It’s just like Sorority Rush, again, except that there are giant posters of hot pants-clad cheerleaders on the wall. Veteran Nicole starts things off by announcing that this is her fourth year on the squad. I have to hand it to her: four years of Jay is four years to many for me. One Rookie, Katelyn claims to be starstruck and asks Julie Jacobs for her autograph. Laughter ensues. That gets me wondering: people actually ask cheerleaders for their autographs, don’t they? I mean, I know that they do because you always see cheerleaders at swimsuit calendar signings but it’s not like they’re real celebrities…or are they? I mean, I guess that hasn’t stopped Heidi Montag in her quest for world domination.
Jordan C. (I think there are like five Jordans or Jordyns or Jordons on the squad this year) tells the group she is from Hobbs New Mexico and suddenly we’re in a Meet the Cheerleader segment. Jordan interviews that she was a finalist in the Miss New Mexico pageant, taking home the Miss Congeniality crown. She has a degree in Education and hopes to be a teacher, but right now she’s working on just being a DCC. I think I may have mentioned this during my recap for the Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders, but are elementary schools okay with their teachers moonlighting as professional cheerleaders? What if some poor first grader’s dad walked into your classroom during Open House Night and recognized you from the sideline? Would you offer to autograph the swimsuit calendar that you’re on the cover of? Oh and then I realize that she was the one that wore that “provocative” pleather, sequins, and fishnet costume. I ask myself, how is that any better than some picture you may find on Facebook?
Back in the auditorium, Professor Fineglass asks the girls if they would like the bad news or the good news. I can only imagine what is in store for them but I don’t have to wait long as Kelli reveals that she’s about to call out the names of the girls who flunked the “general knowledge” test. Oh snap! I forgot about this. Apparently this test is comprised of questions ranging from Cowboys Football knowledge to current events. Kelli rationalizes the test by saying that as ambassadors for the team, the cheerleaders will be expected to know a lot about the Cowboys. True. Humiliating the girls on national television, even it is only CMT? Pretty standard reality fare. Let me point out that Kelli isn’t holding back either. As she passes out the failed exams, one girl way in the back tries to reach for her test and is hoping another girl will pass it to her so she won’t have to get up. Kelli’s all “if she failed it, she can come get it.” Burn! Oh and Nicole the Veteran failed the test too! This upsets Kelli immensely since her expectations for Nicole are “not short of perfection”. She continues her lecture to the class by saying that the girls need to be on top of their game so they don’t embarrass the organization. The plus side is that Training Camp starts tomorrow (is that a plus?)
First Day! Kelli and Judy walk into the dance room and I notice that Kelli is wearing some zebra print dress that looks like something Jennifer Lopez would own. They immediately call the Vets into the locker room where they’re greeted by a bulletin board with everyone’s picture on it. Kelli explains that this board shows where every girl ranked in the final audition process and some of the Vets scored way lower than they should have. Nicole fell somewhere in the middle because she failed the test which Kelli repeatedly says is “ridiculous”. I actually agree because I don’t think this test is something new. It’s not like it’s hard to glance at MSNBC every so often. Erica receives her fair share of criticism as well. Kelli claims that the judges thought her solo was artistic but she was under dressed (she wore a long sleeve button down shirt and hot pants—I thought she was going for the Tom Cruise in Risky Business homage) so as to mask her recent weight gain. Kelli continues that unless Erica starts to lose weight, she’s not going to “defend it”. By this time both Nicole and Erica are in tears and Kelli makes it known that Vets could be cut this year. She ends the meeting by telling the girls to “look at their locker and thank your lucky stars that you still have one”. Go big or go home indeed.
In her interview, a crying Erica defends her routine in both content and costume choice. She says nothing at all about her weight. I think she knows that she’s gained weight and that is what is truly bothering her so she is concentrating on the arbitrary matter of the solo routine to vent her frustrations.
Practice finally begins and Kelli and Judy take their usual spots in their directors chairs at the front of the room while former DCC-Megan leads the group in a routine. Besides the routine that she led in Auditions, do we ever see Judy teach the girls? That would be something I would like to see. Surely they could cut out one of Jay’s pointless segments in favor of Judy actually doing something. Rookie Leah remarks that it’s overwhelming because Kelli and Judy keep staring at them. Kelli comments into her tape recorder that Lisa Rinna Crystal is fun to watch. Kelli just loves her some Crystal. I bet she was a hardcore Melrose Place fan back in the day. The camera focuses in on poor Rookie Kathryn who just looks really uncomfortable during the routine. She’s obviously lost and both Kelli and Judy pick up on this.
Tonight’s most uncomfortable segment involves Tracey, a Body Image Consultant and Cooper Clinic “the premier health and fitness institute in the world” (as per Tracey, I have no idea how valid this is). It’s time for weigh-ins and body fat calibration testing. This would be my nightmare and I’m thin (I just don’t eat very well). Thankfully, I don’t see any bod pods, but Tracey does mention that the ideal body fat percentage is between 11 and 15% body fat, which if we go back to the chart that I freeze framed from last year, is “risky“. “Risky”, “Ideal”, who’s really to judge? In this exercise, the girls get into a water tank and sit in a plastic lawn chair. Really, this is state of the art? My brother and I did this in my mother’s hot tub when we were little and got yelled at for it. Just think I could have said that we were just doing state of the art body fat testing. I don’t know what’s more gratuitous: the slow motion shots of the girls exiting the water tank, the wet hair tossing, or Tracey touching various body parts. See, not only does Tracey tell you what your percentage is, she also touches you: some girls just on the stomach, but I also saw some butt and leg touching. I’m just glad that none of these girls exhibit any Howie Mandel-no touching phobias. One of the Jordans (who is actually Jordyn) has a body fat percentage of 20, which I’m pretty sure is really good in real life but prompts a lot of touching from Tracey. In an interview Tracy mentions that “you don’t want to put that body in that little, tiny Uniform”. Jordyn resolves to give up peanut butter and jellys. I have a feeling that Jam Master Jay will force her to give up a lot more, but that’s another episode. Tracey closes by reminding us that “The Uniform is unforgiving as Hell”. Oh the return of The Uniform. She’s a harsh mistress, she’s gotten rid of many, many girls.
The next night at Camp, it’s on because Kelli and Judy are taking “serious notes” and will be talking to several girls after class. Cuts so soon? This is the first time that the rookies will be attempting the jump split and what a time it is. I have no room to talk since I can’t kick that high nor do a split, let alone a jump split, but this is a serious mess right here. Another Jordan is called out for her lack of kickline experience. This is my thing: if they notice that the girls aren’t good kickers during auditions, why bring them on? Are they trying to find the next Loni?
Tonight Kelli and Judy will see Jordan, Jordyn, Kathryn and Erica. I am not sure if this was discussed ahead of time but when Kelli’s assistant calls “Jordryn” the correct girl gets up and goes inside the office. Kelli’s office hasn’t changed much since last year, Kelli still sets behind the desk with Judy perched on the stool next to her, however I do notice a few DCC Barbies in the backgrounds. Look, I’m an avid Barbie collector, but even I think the waists on this particular doll is tiny. I wonder what the ideal body fat percentage is for molded plastic? Back in reality, Kelli informs Jordyn that she is a “mystery” to them and that she has real potential and would be a candidate for a makeover. Is that backhanded? Jordyn just nods. Kelli tells her that she needs to work on “the wow factor” and project more to the audience. By themselves, Kelli whispers to Judy that she “can’t stand how nervous they are all already”. Hmm, do you think it’s because they’re having to come in and see you on the second night of camp? Or because you announced to the group who failed a general knowledge test? Or is it because you told the Vets that they, too, could be gone?
The next Jordan comes in and is told that she looks out of place in the kickline. To this I say: “but what about Loni?” Kathryn is next up and Kelli lets her know that she needs to step it up and get it together.
Erica saunters in last and is told that that she was the lowest scoring Veteran. Kelli reiterates the concern that her weight is a problem and guesstimates that Erica has gained at least ten or eleven pounds. Erica defensively responds that she fluctuates in weight and that it’s going back down. Kelli counters that she also had the highest body fat percentage. Erica brings up the solo routine again and Kelli shoots her down by saying that the bigger issue was the weight. Erica starts to cry and Kelli says that she needs to go home and work on the attitude. I don’t really think that Erica was being that bad, if anything, I think she was really upset that she was being called out for her weight on television and she was trying to justify her behavior accordingly.
Next time: Uniform fittings (already?)! Plus the return of Jay (and subsequently the return of my fast forward button).
[...] Return of the T-shirt or Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team, Season 3, Episode 4 Previously, Training Camp began and there were already problems: tests were taken, tests were failed… [...]