What follows is the actual transcript of my texting session with JMTIV:
Me (waking JMTIV up because I am three hours ahead of him): Breaking news! Laura Leighton in at Melrose Place.
JMTIV (hours later): Now we have to watch. (editor’s note: Earlier this year we vowed not to watch, a decision we felt really good about when Heather Locklear passed) EXACTLY How are they going to bring Sydney back from the dead?
Me : Cryogenics? She could have shared a capsule with Dr. Troy.
JMTIV: We know Sydney is fond of roommates. In cults. Chriiisssttttian (editor’s note: our impression of Joley Richardson’s pronunciation) would be a step up. She loves living with doctors in loveless partnerships.
He brings up an excellent point: Sydney is dead! I know what you’re thinking: we thought Kimberly was dead but she came back with a lace front wig, a wicked scar and ten different kinds of crazy. We all saw the car hit her in front of the church! Or did we? (We did.) I mean, Melrose Place was over the top but it’s not like Days of Our Lives where characters are routinely buried alive or brainwashed in basement laboratories. To compound the crazy, Sydney’s not alive but she also owns Melrose Place. Huh? As much as I loved Syd, I can’t see her owning the building. It’s way too legitimate. Speaking of which…
…what is up with Thomas Calabro returning to play someone’s dad? Now, don’t quote me, but isn’t Jake’s son one of the characters? So you’re going to have Jake’s son living in the same apartment building as Michael’s son? How Muppet Babies is this? And who is this kid’s mother? I hope they’re not going to magically age that baby that Jane was carrying during the Series Finale. Why does Michael have to be a dad? Why can’t he just be that swinging single that he always was? (Or as my father used to refer to him: the JR Ewing of the mid-Nineties.)
I’m dreading watching this, people. Can’t you just see it? Sydney busting up a late night rendezvous in the pool: “Have some respect, Character Played by Ashlee Simpson! Brooke died in that pool!” Or Michael downing a beer with his sad sack, lovelorn son at Shooters: “Don’t ever date two redheads at the same time!”
Not only are the Bad Idea Jeans off the shelf at Mancini Deeeesigns, but now we actually have to wear them. (Hopefully with the strategic ass-rip that was prominantly featured on the faceless denizen from one version of the opening credits.)
“Nanny, why does a former bartender/hooker/madame/Deeeesign partner/receptionist/vehicular-homicide-bride own the building now?”
This is a disaster. But I shan’t look away.
I read on EW.com that Sydney was allegedly in a women’s prison. Reminds me of a certain Anderson Cooper interview…
Instead of throwing a chair, I bet Sydney makes a cocktail of cell toilet corn mash liquor and throws it in someone’s face. I’m guessing it doesn’t work. Cut to Syd tied down as the prostitute from the Models Inc. finale tells her, “You’re in hooker hell, baby…”
Or I like to think she makes a shank out of a toothbrush, Reese Witherspoon in Freeway-style. I had a horrible thought…what if she has to wear an ankle bracelet and can’t stray past Fairfax?
Oh, no! She’ll never make it back to the beach house (or Don Cuco’s in the Valley) if she’s under house arrest!