So I’m late in my Bachelorette post, but in my defense, it was a crazy week. First of all, I moved from Alaska to LA, changed my name to Ricky Hollywoodand started to iron all of my Ed Hardy T-shirts. Then I had to go back to the East Coast for a sit down with a bunch of Karen Hill clones, got annoyed and flipped a table. I’d had it, so I told my office that I was hiking on the Appalachian Trail but I was actually in Argentina. When I got back I learned that TLC was putting my reality show on hiatus until August.
But enough about me. Let’s talk about The Bachelorette. I find it funny that a show most commonly described as a trainwreck would actually tempt fate and film an entire episode on a train. Seriously what is up with all the traveling? I feel like this season has been subsidized by the Canadian Tourism Authority. Honestly, perhaps it has. Times are tough. It’s not like we’re pulling in Chrysler ad revenue or anything.
Here’s something that I don’t like about The Bachelorette: the humiliating way in which they dump the guys. First Sasha with the city bus and Robbie, cast from the train like a wino. At least when Jason cut Natalie loose they gave her a limo. Although, in retrospect, it would have been awesome if she had been forced to give up her jewels and board a Sedgeway.
Apparently Robbie’s lack of career enthusiasm finally got to Jillian. And his age. Yet Michael, who I think is actually 20 years old, is still there. I’m sure Michael is a very nice young man, but he makes me tired just looking at him. If I were ever to be around him I would feel the need to shotgun Red Bulls. Then there’s Wes. Oh Wes. As much as I enjoyed that bizarre interlude where he expounded on his plan to extract as much fame as possible from this mess, it was too scripted and almost Bond villain-esque. You know, how the villain finally catches James Bond and then spends an inordinate amount of time telling him how he’s going to kill him allowing 007 to think up a way to escape? Well, Wes may be a Bond villain but Jillian’s stuck in Austin Powers mode. She just doesn’t get it. Now, some would say that the producers are making her keep him. Fair enough, but she seems more into him than Young Michael, so there.
The highlight of the week was learning that Reid is a neurotic. I love it! Why wouldn’t I! As much as I like fondue (now) it freaked me out at the beginning. I actually sat there and timed how long I put my food in. I was terrified I was going to go into shock at The Melting Pot. And you have to stick it out at The Melting Pot…if only for the chocolate fondue.
I know a lot of people were upset that Jake was cut. I like Jake but there was something too earnest about him. Also, he spoke like he was one of the characters on the now defunct soap opera, Passions. I, on the other hand, was much more concerned about my new favorite bachelor, Tanner. Oh Tanner! How I will miss you! What a loon! It’s such a shame that we won’t be treated to a home town date. I imagine that in his home, you’re forced to sit down in those massage chairs with the pedicure bowls like in nail salons. I’ll admit that the pants dropping was bizarre, but think of how many careers have been built upon that premise (Mark Wahlberg). Feel the vibrations!
