Just a Simple Girl with a Dream

I apologize for that title.  I was punning so hard that Michael Patrick King (writing as Carrie Bradshaw) was like “Geez, enough already!”

This week, Ed did himself a favor and left this trainwreck “amazing journey”.  I’ve always wondered how people can take off work for weeks on end to be on reality shows when I can barely take time off for a dentist appointment.  At least Melissa actually quit her job to go on Dancing with the Stars.   Can you imagine that resignation letter? “Dear Employer, after six weeks of looking for love domestically and internationally and being humiliated on national television, I’ve decided to tenure my resignation so that I can fulfill my lifelong dream of dancing in feathered sequins with Tony Dovalani.  P.S. Can you please recommend me on Linkedin?”

Here is my opinion on Ed: I enjoy him, he seems lowkey and and I liked that he seemed a little freaked out by the slowest zipline ever.  Did I want Jillian to pick him?  No.  I think Ed deserves better than a closet full of flannel shirts and supermarket trips via kayak.   I also fully support his decision to leave the show for work, who in their right mind would jeopardize a job (that pays actual money) in this economy to make snow angels on a glacier? (Answer: the unemployed, aging frat guys who hang out in my complex’s pool.)

In other guy news, none of the bachelors have copped to having girlfriends.  But they like riding snow mobiles.  Whatever.  The whole group date reminded me of the speeder bike sequence on Endor from Return of the Jedi, complete with Jillian as Princess Leia and Tanner as an Ewok.   You know, I think Taylor’s growing on me (insert foot fungus joke here).  While at first I found him creepy, now I like him because he’s an amusing sidenote.  He’s like the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of this show.  I know that’s he likely to go home very soon, but I secretly wish we could see a home town date with him.  I imagine his mother’s home to be a giant shoe, like in the nursery rhyme.

Is it wrong that I can’t wait a few weeks to find out about the “manly performance problem” on the overnight dates?  Seriously, I feel like this show is dragging on forever…get to the good stuff!  Also, I feel as if Wes could wear a puffy paint T-shirt that reads “I’m just here to be on TV” on the front and “My album drops June 23″ on the back and Jillian would still give him a rose.

As much as it pains me to admit this, The Bachelor/ette is apointment television for me.  What’s even sadder is the fact that even though last night’s episode was painfully boring, I was still somewhat into it, which is more than I can say for 3/4 of the guys on this show!

I have this theory that sometimes people in the television industry purposely try to make barely watchable programs.  Honestly, that’s how I explain Days of Our Lives from 2004-2006 and General Hospital since Jason became the epicenter of the universe.  But last night’s Bachelorette?  Dear God, there was at least twenty minutes spent on curling! (That was interesting, because that’s about five minutes more than it gets on NBC’s Olympics coverage.)  That date made Deanna’s little “let’s drive a race car around a track and drink beer by a double wide” seem glorious and awesome in comparison.  Speaking of Deanna, how awesome was the Rose Ceremony meltdown last night?  Of course, nothing can compare to Deanna’s “I’m putting my heart out there” tantrum (in rolled up T-shirt and shorts, no less) but I love the flipouts.  Plus Jillian has a Canadian accent which makes the whole thing seem more like a Kids in the Hall sketch.

The whole “which guy has a girlfriend” scandal cracked me up.  Do you honestly think that if a guy in a “committed relationship” is that big of a famewhore to date a woman on national television, he’s going to own up to this “betrayal” in Week 4?  Oh no, he’s gonna ride out this treachery until the home town date at least.

How crazy was Dave’s behavior on the boat?  He reminds me of why I don’t like going to bars anymore.  He’s so the guy that walks up to you at 1 am, asks you to shots with him, and then flips out when you tell him that you’re the designated driver.  You know, because nothing is cooler than taking shots! Especially when you’re in your late 20′s.  And looking to beat up your 35 year old bunkmate.

At this point, I guess I like Reid.  I think he’s cute and he reminds me a little bit of Matthew Modine (I think it’s the glasses).  I also like Ed which makes me hope that she chooses neither of them and one will come on as the next Bachelor.  It’s practically like the Bible now, Brad begat Deanna who sired Jason who in turn begat Jillian…

So I feel so out of sorts lately.  My work has been keeping me very busy and my Internet has been sporadic at best (definitely not “Comcastic!”) and I have no idea what’s going on in the world.  I do know, apparently that Spencer and Heidi have quit and rejoined that horrible Celebrity Jungle show a billion times now. 

I did finally get around to watching The Bachelorette and let’s be honest: we’re probably watching the most boring Bachelorette of all time with the hottest crop of guys ever assembled on this suckfest.  It’s unfair, isn’t it?  I mean I’ll throw on an unfortunate denim romper and pumps if it means making out with hot guys like Kipton and Ed.  To make matters easier, I’ve narrowed down my top three problems with the show:

1. Jillian as Bachelorette: She just doesn’t do it for me.   I find her boring and surprisingly inarticulate.  Remember how all the women on the message boards just loved her during Mesnick’s season? Yeah, didn’t get it then; don’t get it now.  Plus she really seems into Wes.  Why?  He belongs in a Branson, MO dinner theater.
2. Producer shenanigans: Haven’t we seen these dates before?  “Hot” film set?  Yeah, it was better the first time I saw it, when it happened on the General Hospital soundstage and Melissa had a meltdown.  Serenaded at a private dinner by a music star?  Check.  Even the new dates suck: ziplining through downtown LA?  Seriously, the traffic below them moved quicker.  And you know that they made her keep Juan and Dave. Because apparently the producers think that we want to see blood lust instead of true romance.  It’s like a bullfight and we’re all Hemingways.
3. Not evough Chris Pine.  (Seriously, he should be everywhere).

So what is up with Dave and Juan?  Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t date Juan but I’m not dating “Big Fish” David either.  Despite my griping about producer manipulations, I would kind of like to see David and Juan in the Thunderdome, however.  Perhaps Chris Harrison could strap on a Tina Turner wig and sing “We Don’t Need Another Hero”.  Jillian, meanwhile, will just stand there and say “wicked” repeatedly.

Is it wrong that I’m more interested in Jillian’s fashion choices than her “journey with 20 men?” (No.) Although, I do enjoy watching douchebags self-destruct, I guess I’m just more into looking up how much her bathing suits cost in the Victoria’s Secret catalog.

Since I still can’t tell these guys apart (and by the way, I keep getting everyone confused with the guys on Deanna’s season…I referred to someone as “Graham” earlier in the evening) I’ve highlighted the few who stand out:

• Wes.  I have horrible taste in men and even I see the red flags.  It amused me to no end how all the guys sat in the bar watching his date with Jillian on a closed circuit feed in shock and horror.  Then at the Rose Ceremony cocktail party, he cuts in on The Drinkmaster.  Oh yeah, make no mistake: Wes is the Molly of this season.  I also think he’s not in it for love.  Is he too old to make the cut for Nashville Star?
• Jake.  I don’t know; I’m watching this from the comfort of my own home and I think he seems cheesy.  Of course if I knew him in reality I’d probably be trying to pick out names for our future children.  I have to hand it to him for suffering through that country nightmare that was his one-on-one date.  Honestly, what is up with the country music and boots fixation?  I like hip hop.  If I were The Bachelorette do you think ABC would spring for LL Cool J to sing “Hey Lover?”  No.
• Tanner P.  Besides the foot fetish thing he reminds me of Andy Bernard from The Office.  To clarify, not the “fun, banjo-playing and harmonizing Andy” but the “fist through the wall, Anger Management Andy”. 
• Speaking of anger management, David.  This kid’s ripe for a meltdown of epic proportions.
• Michael.  Reminds me of a skinnier Miz from The Real World.
• Mike.  Looks like Patrick Dempsey with a fuller face.  And the Speedo thing was weird.
• Brian.  My friends in other cities wonder why I’m single.  I live in Atlanta.  Brian lives in Atlanta.  Brian stripped down,  jumped in the pool and imitated a humpback whale.  That’s Atlanta!
• The ballot box.  Yeah this worked so well last season with Megan.  Although it did produce an obscenities-laden stormy call-out so it was not for nothing. 
• I was disturbed by how badly Jillian’s diamond necklace clashed with the crystals on her dress.  Hell, at least she wasn’t wearing boots.